#i love summer but damn i do miss autumn

[kiss-me-muchoo]

𝐂𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐠𝐨 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐨? || 𝐉𝐨𝐞𝐥 𝐌𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

summary_ when medical supplies run out in Jackson, you volunteer to go to the mall as an alibi to get goodies for your family, only that your husband Joel isn’t pleased with your decision.

warnings_ age gap! (20s/ 50s) but not specifically stated so do what u want, protective! Joel, chill mother! reader, fluff, implied sex, smidge of angst, fallacy references. NO PROOFREAD

notes_ fallacy family is back, I missed them so much, I just re-edited the whole story, recommend reading it again although is not necessary for this fic.

✰ 𝙄𝙉𝘿𝙀𝙓 (𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡����𝙨𝙩 𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚)

♪ ♫ 𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙨𝙩 𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙮𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙋𝙚𝙙𝙧𝙤 𝙃𝙀𝙍𝙀

• 「 𝐅𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐲: 𝐑𝐞𝐣𝐞𝐜𝐭 𝐦𝐞, 𝐈 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐢𝐭 」 

𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆ 𓆸⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆ 𓆸⋆｡𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆ 𓆸𖦹°⭒˚｡⋆ 𓆸⋆｡𖦹°⭒

1. Wash hands and prepare the wound. ... 

2. Use your needle driver to grab the needle. ... 

3. Use the tissue forceps to expose the side of the wound you'll begin the suture on. ... 

4. Push the needle through the skin at a 90-degree angle about a centimeter to the right of the wound.

You read out loud with perfect grammatical rules, leaving perfect timing between commas and periods. It’s been a year and a half since you started teaching and a new cycle had begun by late summer. 

“Now follow the pattern I just demonstrated and I’ll pass around to see your progress” you softly indicated with a smile to your students. 

Everyone was great, you held back a new smile when you passed by Ellie’s table. She smirks at you in disguise and you give her a thumbs up to cheer her up.

Mrs. Miller is so hot, you’re so lucky to live with her….

You want to laugh so hard after hearing Ellie’s friends failing to whisper those words. 

Everyone knew you were married to the mighty Joel Miller. The town knew you were Tommy and Maria’s sister-in-law. They knew you were a great nurse and teacher. And they loved it when they heard Mrs. Miller would organize the holiday events of Jackson. 

“Okay, guys. You did great. Tomorrow we’ll keep the practice of sewing and cleaning superficial wounds. Now get out of here” They happily started leaving one by one saying goodbye to you. 

Ellie seemed to be arguing with his friend. She continuously rolled her eyes and sighed until the boy smiled at you and left. So you raised an eyebrow towards the girl and she stood up finally.

“Are you coming back home with me or are you gonna go play with your friend?” 

“Jesse is not my friend and of course, I’m going home with you. Rosalie and Rae are still coming for dinner, right?” You nod at her, giggling because of her attitude.

“You should take Jesse as your friend. He is a nice boy” Ellie only rolled her eyes once again.

“He’s annoying as well as his other friend named Dina. They are awkward and they are not as funny as Rosalie, Cerise, Joel, and you” she admits closing her backpack.

“Aww, Ellie! That’s so sweet of you…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah… But let’s go, your baby must be very fussy” 

Damn, she’s right. Your little baby was a bolter, Cerise Miller was eleven months old. She had started trying to waddle and she often repeated vague words. Usually courtesy of her father; Joel loved his little angel and always talked to her.

You would never get tired of going straight to your little family after a long day.

“Would you like non-flour biscuits and steak for dinner?” Ellie nodded smiling but then frowned.

“You know I’d love to but… our rations for the week won’t be enough… Oh, and don’t you dare to ask Maria and Tommy for more, that would be very embarrassing” she said as you could only be laughing at her.

“You wouldn’t mind if I asked them, you don’t want me to do it because that would give you less right to be mean to them” 

“Maybe…” 

After closing the classroom, you and Ellie exit the little building that served as a school. It was the middle of the week and summer remained peaking as autumn was around the corner.

“Hey… Can I ask you a question?” Ellie nodded at you.

“Sure…”

“Do your classmates think that we are like… mother and daughter?” You asked with a shy tone. 

The streets were kind of busy as you and the fifteen-year-old girl started your way towards home.

“Nah… they know were like… friends or sisters? Besides… everyone knows you’re very chill” she admitted.

“I ain’t a chill person. I’m fair… that’s it”

“You’re chill, y/n. With your students, with your friends, with me, with your daughter, and even with Joel. And that drives him crazy” You smiled at the thought of your handsome husband.

A couple of weeks ago, the man came and decided to celebrate your first wedding anniversary by taking you to the same strawberry field where Cerise was born. It was romantic, then Maria arranged a little dinner for you two while she and Tommy took Cerise and Ellie for the night. That night Joel fucked you so damn good that you had to be very careful the following weeks, thinking you were pregnant once again. False alarm.

“But you shouldn’t be very chill with the other kids in class,” Ellie said.

“Why?”

“The boys are always drooling for you, especially the older ones. They keep saying you are a MILF” your eyes were wide open after she said that.

“Oh.”

“You know what that means”

“I sure do,” you said avoiding her gaze as you crossed another street.

“Can you tell me what it means?”

You’re a chill teacher, friend, mother, and wife. So you nodded at her.

“I can tell you, but I don’t to hear you saying it”

“Sure, man. I promise” Ellie sweared.

“It stands for Mom I’d Like To Fuck…” Ellie blushed immediately, making you laugh embarrassed as well.

“I told you so…” you said, finally arriving home.

You open the door of the house and the first thing you notice is Maria and Tommy’s kid there. He smiles and you lock the door before kneeling to greet him.

“Hello, kid. How are you? Have you been taking care of my angel?” You questioned the two-year-old boy with a kiss on his cheek. He could only coo and giggle.

“My little man has been a gentleman with Cerise since we arrived” Maria appeared with your daughter in her arms. She immediately asked to be in your arms and started squirming.

“Hi, little heart” you greeted her, kissing her hair that smelled like plums and sugar like her shampoo. She had the same soft hair and kind eyes as Joel. Something that always made you smile.

“What’s up, Cerise?” Ellie greeted your daughter, taking off her shoes and hanging her backpack near the entrance of the house.

“Okay, little man and I need to leave. We promised Tommy to have a movie night and they are almost back from patrol. Must get going…” Maria announced giving a quick hug and a squeeze on the hand of Cerise before saying one last goodbye and leaving with her kid.

“Hey, y/n. You never said how you got more meat for dinner?” You smirk to yourself, placing Cerise in her baby walker. It was old as hell, probably from the nineties. Joel had said it looked very similar to the baby walker Sarah had. 

“Let’s say Star and I went to have a little hunting trip” you revealed, entering the kitchen and being followed by Cerise.

“If Joel finds out, you’re dead” 

“I’m the chill wife. What can I say?” Both of you started laughing. 

“Just be careful, y/n. Please…” Ellie said, so you reassured her by squeezing her shoulder.

“Always, Ellie. For my family, always…” 

“Sudden change of subject but you know what would be awesome? A new lunchbox…” you turned to look at her backpack. It was the same backpack that traveled from the Boston QZ to Jackson. The lunch you made for her usually was a mess after a couple of hours.

“I’ll see what I can do to get you a new one. I also need new clothes for Cerise, farting isn’t enough to deflate her, she keeps growing” Ellie started laughing.

“Mind you, she’s your daughter, y/n”

“So? She’s my little heart but she’s still a stinky furball at times” you said kneeling to kiss and annoy Cerise, who cooed and screamed in happiness.

-

When Joel arrived home the sun had almost disappeared completely. He opened the door and was greeted by the sight of Ellie and you chasing Cerise, who was still on her baby walker, cooing loudly. 

A big smile was planted on his face.

“Joel… Is that you, honey?” You asked, sounding agitated.

“Yes, dear.” You appear in his line of vision, wearing a pink sundress and bare feet.

He greets you in his arms, giving you a big kiss.

“Mmm… I missed you” you admitted.

“We made love this morning, y/n”

“So? We can be apart half an hour and I’ll miss you like I haven’t seen you in a year” he chuckled, kissing you once again. Only to be interrupted by something colliding at his feet.

Both of you look down, encountering Cerise, who has a toothy smile.

“Da-da… dad!” Joel immediately picked her up. Ellie came to the scene too, drinking from a glass of water and spreading some hair away from her face, only to greet Joel and then disappear upstairs.

“Hello, angel” It was a rare day when Joel didn't wake up questioning if he wasn’t dreaming. Even a year after coming back from Salt Lake City with Ellie and you, he couldn’t believe his new life. Where he lived near Tommy, he was married again, now working, unlike the first time. His wife was a young woman and gave him a daughter. 

“Rosalie and Rae got caught up with work so they won’t join us for dinner. But they’re coming tomorrow with Tommy and Maria” Your husband nodded at you, playing with Cerise as she fought to grab Joel’s beard, which tickled her but couldn’t stop doing so.

“Oh, that’s terrible” his sarcastic tone was evident, which made you smile.

“What? Darlin’ you know I only want to be with my girls” Before he could hug you from behind, he placed Cerise on the carpet of the living room.

“Go take a shower and tell Ellie to come down, Texas” Your playful smile resulted contagious to him, so he got closer to kiss your cheek and spank your ass before leaving upstairs too.

-

Just by the time your family and you finished dinner, Cerise was already upstairs sleeping with Ellie. You and Joel were cleaning up the dishes as you listened to an old cassette player and said bad jokes.

Suddenly, someone knocked on the door and both of you exchanged looks.

“I’ll take it…” you said.

When you open the door, you see Rosalie standing.

“Rosalie… What happened?” 

“We need you in the clinic. One of the technicians had an accident and needs a little surgery” you gasped, feeling Joel coming to the door to slide a hand in your waist as he heard Rosalie.

“That’s why the power went out for some seconds?” Joel asked and Rosalie nodded.

“Yup… please, y/n” you nodded.

“Let me get my hoodie. Joel, Can you stay and check on the girls?” 

“Sure, go on, darlin’…” 

After another big kiss, you hurry along with Rosalie to get to the clinic.

-

“He is going to be fine, just one broken finger. There’s just one problem, we don’t have any cast…” Maria and one of the council members sigh, looking at each other. Jeremy was a thirty-four-year-old male technician who fell while trying to fix some wires. He had a little concussion and you stitched two of his fingers that were slightly burnt. His broken finger was the issue until you remembered the mall near Jackson. 

“Maybe we have some materials to improvise a cast…”

“Or I can make a quick trip to the mall and get some supplies.” 

“Maybe it’s not the best idea, y/n…”

“You know it’s mostly clear, perhaps one or two infected but it’s okay. Besides… I’ve proven to be trustworthy to go…” you had done some patrols along with Tommy and Joel, and they didn’t have any complaints about you. 

“I guess not… Have you been inside the mall before?” 

“Yes…” you lied.

The truth is you wanted to go alone to take your time. You had gone to the little abandoned market before, but the mall was different. While your priority was the medical supplies, you also had other interests. You wanted to get Ellie a new lunchbox, clothing for Cerise, and some flannels for Joel.

“Alright. Joel is going with you” Maria said and you nodded but maybe you wouldn’t let him know. He’d lock you before letting you go to the mall alone.

“Hey… Is it too late for a haircut?” You asked her.

“Nah… let’s go.”

-

The following morning, you leave a note for Ellie telling her the truth. And for Joel, a note that said you were going back to the clinic and then to school, that he take care of Cerise, and that you loved him so much.

After a quick breakfast, you ended up at the stables, saddling up Star.

“Goin’ somewhere, darlin’…?” Startled you don’t dare to turn back, but you know it’s your husband.

Shit, he’s gonna fuck me… and not like I’d want to.

“Oh hi, honey”

“Don’t bullshit me with that. Were you planning on tellin’ me you’re going to the mall alone?”

“You would’ve said no and we would’ve argued…”

“I’m coming with you. Now quit talkin’ 'cause I’m not very happy with you right now” he said, going for his horse.

Once you are ready to go, Joel finally faces you.

“You changed your hair…” you looked different, still gorgeous to his eyes.

“Yeah... Maria helped me out yesterday after the clinic incident. You like it?…”

“I love it, baby.” He had you blushing like a teenager and you hadn’t even left Jackson yet.

“Thanks, Joel” he smiled, knowing he couldn’t be mad at you any longer.

“Oh what the hell, come ‘ere, gorgeous.” You get close and he leans to passionately kiss you.

“I have the hottest wife, you know?” Pushing him gently, you start going back towards Star, avoiding his eyes with a giant smile.

“And I have the hottest husband, you know?” 

“Deaf with a demolished back but I’m your old man,” he said, hugging you from behind, letting you he was half hard while feeling his cock against your ass.

“You got hard with my new haircut?”

“Course’ I would, darlin’. Can’t wait to see those little bangs against your forehead when I get you riding me” You sure reached a new level of embarrassment at that moment. And you thanked the stables were clear of humans.

“OKAY-… where did you leave my daughter, Texas?”

“Our daughter is with Tommy, California Dreamin’…”

“Good. Let’s go then…” you said smiling, finally leaving the town.

-

The mall was definitely not what you expected.

“So people used to come here to eat, shop, and just hang out in general?” Joel nodded, cautiously holding a flashlight with one hand and his rifle with the other.

“That’s right, love” 

“This reminds me of the library you took me back in Boston” Joel sighed.

He remembered the man he was back then. Still grieving his past, being cold and mean towards the woman he saved. You were a broken and weak woman. And yet, you always smiled at him.

Your birthday was coming and Joel was tired of your intellectual talks, so he took you to pick some books. Now he understands he did that because deep down he already loved you back then.

He could also see you had bloomed into a new woman, and he couldn’t help but feel like he had fallen in love again. 

“I was an asshole towards you.” He admitted walking through the mall.

“You were. But neither of us gave up on each other. And look at us now….” you optimistically said.

“We have a house, we have jobs, two kids and we’re having a date in a scary abandoned mall” Joel chuckled.

“This ain’t a date, baby”

“It is, shut up, Joel,” you said.

Since the priority was the medical supplies, that’s where you headed first. Then, you dragged Joel to get Ellie’s lunchbox, the only one available was one of Wonder Woman so you took it. Then, thankfully, you found a baby store.

“Oh my god! Look at these, Joel! She’s gonna look so fucking adorable!” You said showing him a pair of cowgirl boots.

“She could match you. Since you really love your boots, baby” Joel teased, crossing his arms, allowing himself to relax just a tiny bit. He knew you loved your brown boots, you wore them the whole year. With jeans, skirts, dresses, everything.

“Okay, just the boots and this adorable set of seasonal pajamas” One set was purple with orange and corn candies for Halloween, the other had pumpkins and pies, the other one of hearts, and a last one of snowflakes, cookies, and Christmas trees.

“Have you seen how Cerise is starting to bite everything?” 

“Her teeth must be coming soon…” Joel confirmed, taking your hand to lead you out of the store.

Besides the baby store, there was a place full of underwear, perfumes, and feminine stuff.

“What’s Victoria’s Secret?”

“Lingerie and womanly stuff store” you nod, getting a closer look. Some pretty sets had you imagining modeling them for your husband.

“And what was her secret?”

“Oh c’mon, baby, let’s keep going.” He said gently pushing you.

“Wait. Don’t you want to fuck me in one of those sets?” Joel blushed and acted like he was debating whether to agree with you or not. But both of you knew the real answer.

“Your silence says it all, Joel.” And with that, you entered the store.

It was completely stocked and seemed like nobody had come in hopes of scavenging something.

“This is so pretty…” you say grabbing a black bra. Joel could only follow you like a lost puppy.

“Joel… pink or purple?” He looked at the two options and pointed at one.

“Pink…” 

“Naughty boy…” you said smirking and he rolled his eyes.

“I like this one…” Joel showed you, it was a seen-through tulle nightgown in maroon and lilac tones.

“Then we’re taking it home with us too” You finally start packing all of your favorite ones and you notice there's still some available space in your backpack.

You load your gun before nodding at Joel, letting him know you are ready.

“Where is your bow?” He asked.

“Left it at home…” you had gotten very good using the bow and arrows and with Joel teaching you how to skin animals, you often went on solo hunts. Not that he knew that.

Suddenly both of you grow quiet after hearing something shatter and then crashing nearby.

Joel indicated you to keep quiet while peaking through the entrance of the store.

A clicker passed by and you had to hold a big scream by covering your mouth. Since those things were blind, you were safe for a moment.

“Stay behind me…when I tell you to run… we run, y/n. Understood?” He whispered inches away from you.

“Joel… “ you whispered back when you saw the clicker entering the store. He protectively stood in front of you and pointed at the infected in case of anything. You also gripped the trigger of your weapon.

The disgusting sound of click click click was driving you insane. But you and Joel were so close to the exit that neither of you noticed the frame of a poster on the floor, so when Joel tripped over, the clicker immediately reacted, jumping towards the sound, and ending on top of Joel.

“JOEL!” 

One bad aim and you could kill Joel, so you have to act quick and smartly. The clicker moved extremely fast while your husband tried to push him away. 

“Run, y/n!” you wouldn’t leave your husband alone. Never… 

With zero patience and lots of faith, you shot twice, and to your luck, both bullets went straight to the clicker’s head. The dead body of the creature was lying beside your husband. So you ran to help him.

“Are you okay? No bites, right?” Joel hurried to calm you, leading you outside of the store, finally.

“No bites, baby. I’m okay” You nodded, sighing in relief.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here” you added, hearing the distant sounds of more clickers approaching, probably from the second floor that was actually below where you had been collecting stuff.

-

The way back home is slightly quieter. Joel knows you were still a little taken aback by the incident back at the mall. So as the two of you were still riding your horses, he turned to see you.

He adored his wife so much.

“You were amazin’ back there, baby” 

“What?”

“Yeah, the way you perfectly pulled the trigger and killed the clicker. Your hand never shakin’…” you smiled briefly.

“I just wished you were… immune too. It would be a little less stressful” Joel sighed.

“Hey, I’m not immune but I’m perfectly capable of coming back to you. I’ve done this for more than twenty years. And for you and the girls… I’d do it forever” 

“Aww, honey. I love you so much!” 

He is in love. He can’t recognize the woman you have become. You are stronger, funnier, and more vivid if that was even possible. And he knows you can’t recognize the man he transformed into. A man who treated you with adoration. Who wasn’t afraid of showing how much he loved you. 

“You know? You were my savior once but now… you are the reason why I will save myself every time. To come back to you and the girls too…” 

“I love you too, y/n. So fucking much, baby”

“I know…” you said cheekily, smiling at him.

It was then that a sudden memory came to you, making you giggle.

“Hey Joel… Want to know what Ellie’s classmates call me?” Joel frowns confused but then nods.

“Sure?…”

“They say I’m a MILF” Joel couldn’t help but laugh hard, on the verge of tears.

“Well, you are, darlin’… But that’s a pleasure I will be the only one to have” you blushed.

“Of course, I would not risk my life at Victoria’s Secret for any other man than you, Joel” he remembered the sets you got and he could feel himself getting hard again.

“Fuck… I miss Cerise and Ellie but I really want to get back to having you in bed with all those sets you borrowed” 

“Fine, but you clean the dishes and kitchen today” he nods, smiling cockily at you.

“Sure, now let’s get going, Mom I’d like to fuck…”

“JOEL!” He loved teasing you and seeing you get all flustered. 

______________________________________

[kitsuga]

Daily. {March (FOM) x Reader/Farmer} 

Description: 

A fic in which March doesn’t like changes to his daily routine. 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────  

Tags: fluff, a swear word or two (or three), drinking, alcohol mention, hemlock spotted!!! Being a dad!!!, CLINGY and PATHETIC march agenda, not betad, not edited, gender neutral reader, fields of mistria/fom x reader/farmer, march x reader, march (fields of mistria)/(FOM) x reader/farmer, whatever tag you want i guess go crazy with ur imagination, 

Word Count: 2,879 

A/N: Written on: October 7, 2024  

I wonder if i love march because i usually AM the march. Self-conscious. Angry. Unapproachable. Dyed hair. Likes to hit things with hammers and gets way too happy when drunk. Anyway, LKSJDFHIUE fields of mistria helped me through terrible time recently; i scooped up its early access almost IMMEDIATELY and have been so in love with it since!! 

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───── 

He hadn’t realized it, but March grew fairly used to seeing that new farmer pass by the forge day after day. It became almost... routine, to see them from his peripheral and feel the twitch of his brow, ignoring the sudden increase of heat against his face that was surely from the forge he busied himself with.  

Some days they’d stop to annoy him, while he’d spare a few words out of the kindness of his heart, other days they’d simply throw him a smile and a wave, continuing their walk to wherever it was they’d decide to go that time. There were days they even ignored his presence and hurried on by—those were the days March liked the most, he was unbothered and uninterrupted—coincidentally, they were also the days he had the most trouble trying to fall asleep. Whatever. 

It was a constant, something expected, he would see them walk by his forge at least once a day. They’d dance along the path—hopping, skipping—frolicking through flower petals that danced in the wind alongside them in the crisp, spring air. They’d have days where they would practically sprint by and rush their hellos to make it to the beach, and others where they’d drag their feet and loudly bark up the wrong tree about the heat in the harsh summer sun. Fallen leaves would make constant crunching sounds as they’d make sure to find and step on every damn one just to get on March’s nerves with a giant smile on their face when autumn would roll around. He did get a laugh or two in when hidden ice had made them fall as they goofed around during the winter—he'd be oh-so-kind and let them warm up by the forge for a minute before they went about their day.  

Even through the seasons, this daily greeting was a constant. March hadn’t realized just how much of an impact this would have on his day-to-day schedule—or maybe he had and pushed away the thought—regardless of the true reasoning, it only donned on him when he found himself fidgeting and attempting to keep busy one day, to stay outside just a bit longer to catch sight of them, only to be graced by the lonely presence of the moon instead. 

Where were they today? Not that it mattered to him. They were probably out doing God knows what, making everyone in the town love them even more. Gross. March shook his head, trying to dispel the images of the farmer that continued to pop up in his mind. He didn’t want to see them. It didn’t matter that they hadn’t come by to annoy him. It didn’t bother him. 

But where in the world were they? He stepped onto the road, looking as far along the horizon as he could every which way. Had he just missed them? Maybe they snuck by him earlier, deciding that they’d leave him alone—maybe he’d just gotten so good at tuning them out that he never noticed them go by. Did they make it home alright? Whatever, it wasn’t his problem. He’d go inside and wash the day from him, relax, have a nice dinner with his brother, and get some sleep. 

He thought it’d be so simple. March felt as though his night passed him by—like he was looking at it through a stack of different paintings rather than living it first-hand. He couldn’t get that damn newcomer out of his head! Every waking thought was either accompanied by their face, their voice, or events including them replaying in his head. Now he lay in bed, looking up at his ceiling as the moonlight poured through the window, unable to get his mind to stay still. 

Did they go to the mines today? If they did, were they alright? Did something happen? Were they hurt? Had they exhausted themselves and passed out somewhere? Were they home? Had they eaten, washed up, tucked themselves into bed? March held his head in his hands, hoping if he squeezed it hard enough, he’d shut off his brain. It was driving him crazy! Why was he even thinking any of this—he didn’t care about them, he didn’t like them one bit! They were an annoyance, a pain in his ass, some... outsider! Why couldn’t he just go to sleep!  

The break of dawn welcomed him far too quickly, dragging him out of bed without a wink of sleep. Fine, whatever. He’d see them come by today and he’d just ask what their problem was. Maybe they were just home sick yesterday; sucks for them—maybe they should get better. No, not in a caring way! March rubbed at his face, smacking his cheeks lightly to snap himself out of it. He had things to do, he was going to do them. He was going to set his mind straight, focus, and go about his own day. 

Why weren’t they walking by! March held the hammer in his hand so tightly he started to shake, his teeth would shatter if he kept grinding them as hard as he was. The sun was setting and he still hadn’t seen them—not even a glimpse! He only got a fraction of his tasks done today; constantly looking over his shoulder to check if they had gone by, or standing out in the middle of the road to stare in all directions for a while to see if he could catch them coming. That makes two days now, don’t they know they were ruining his schedule? He found himself tossing and turning again that night, hardly getting any sleep as worry started to creep into his chest. 

Another day, then another, and another after that. Each day that had gone by without so much as a glimpse of them had now made his chest heavy—he didn’t like it. He didn’t know why it was bothering him so much. He entertained the thought of going to their home once or twice just to check in on them—yell at them for ruining his work—but something gnawed at him each time. What if they were avoiding him?  

Yeah, he wasn’t the nicest to them. He didn’t care that he wasn’t. Maybe they DID start avoiding him—that was their choice. It’d be good for him, after all! He wouldn’t have to deal with them distracting him, or... trying to be his friend. Maybe it did bother him that he wasn’t very nice to them. Maybe he did care, just a little bit. 

When Friday rolled around, he ended up at the tavern early, and drinking heavy. He just wanted to rid himself of these feelings, these thoughts. If he couldn’t work as a distraction or sleep them away, maybe drinking them away would work instead. It usually didn’t take much for his head to get lighter, to shed all his worries and let himself be all smiles and laughter, but he was desperate to keep his thoughts at bay. What if they were avoiding him so much that they’d even stop showing up to tavern nights? He knocked back another drink and laid his head on the bar’s counter. 

“You doing alright there, March?”  

March turned so he could face the voice, closing his eyes once his cheek touched the cool counter. 

“I’m FINE, Hemlock...” Was that voice coming from him? Which way was the room spinning? “Just fine...” 

“I’m thinking you’ve had enough for tonight,” Hemlock shook his head and tried taking March’s half-empty glass, “but you can talk about what’s wrong if you want. No pressure.” 

“Nooo,” March drew out his protest, not bothering to raise his head as he grabbed onto his glass, “don’t take that.” 

“Fine, alright. It’s the last one though, alright?” 

Hemlock leaned against the counter in front of him, staring at the young disheveled boy in front of him. He cocked an eyebrow, thinking for a moment before his eyes lit up in realization. Mischievously, he leaned even closer to the faux red-head and called out just loud enough for him to hear, while keeping his plan believable. 

“Oh, hey (Y/n)!” 

“WHERE?” 

March sat straight up, unsure if the deep red creeping over his features was from being drunk, thinking about seeing them, or if all the blood rushed to his head at once from how quickly he moved. He did not last very long before laying his head back on the counter, a fist crashing down beside it. 

“Spinning, spinning, should NOT have done that...” 

“Ah, I had a feeling that was the root of your little problem.” Hemlock teased, once he caught his breath after laughing at the poor boy’s expense. “What issue do you have with them now?” 

“No... no issue,” March had to calm his breathing. Was he flustered? Oh, no, just trying not to throw up. Wait, was he sure? “Maybe an issue. I don’t know. Why are they avoiding me?” 

“Could be because you aren’t very nice to them.” 

“I’m sooo super nice to them.” 

“Uh-huh...” Hemlock pushed a glass of water onto the counter, trying to slowly switch out March’s two drinks. “Have you tried going to see them?” 

“...I don’t want to find out it’s because they hate me.” 

“Oh, so that’s the real reason.” 

March lifted his head enough to peek up at the older man before turning his gaze to the hand beside him, now dragging his finger along the counter in circles to distract him. 

“I don’t get it. Why haven’t they been by all week? Why... does it bother me so much in the first place?” March closed his eyes again, trying to steady the room. “I like to come here and have some fun; why am I still all upset?” 

Hemlock pushed the water glass further towards March, slowly bringing his glass of beer closer to the back of the bar counter, stopping whenever March stirred slightly. It was a pity, really; Hemlock was well aware of what (Y/n) had been up to—if they were purposefully avoiding March, then they certainly never expressed it. If he remembered correctly, he questioned why they were walking so painfully slow from the tavern the other night, almost comically dragging out each step as they looked up the road behind them. 

‘Should I book you for your new comedy routine?’ 

‘I’m just... takin’ my time, Hemlock! Nothing odd about it.’ 

He remembered watching as they drug their shoe against the road to make their next step, slow as a snail. 

‘Uh... yup, nothing odd about it all right. Everything alright, (Y/n)?’ 

They had given him a sigh then, their body almost melting to the ground as they voiced their woes—too busy to make it anywhere but their farm and the tavern for some dinner at the end of the day, something about cleaning up the old place. It was almost killing them having to stay there instead of running off—or rather, running by the blacksmith. 

‘Isn’t March always giving you a hard time, anyway?’ He remembered asking, putting the back of his hand on his hip and smiling—he already knew the answer. 

‘That won’t stop me!’ They stood triumphantly then, stomping their foot on the ground. ‘I WILL get that boy to be my friend, whether he likes it or not!’ 

Hemlock remembered the shy heat that crept up their neck, touching their ears first before it reached their smile and they had to turn away from him before getting embarrassed further. 

‘Besides...’ their voice was soft, he thought, ‘when you get into a routine, the withdrawals... suck.’ 

Hemlock was brought back to the present by March blindly dragging his drink back to him, reversing all of his hard, secret work. He sighed, a smile on his face as he gave up and picked up an empty glass to start washing it. 

“Well,” he put on his wise father voice, “’when you get into a routine, the withdrawals... suck.’” 

Silent hung above both men a moment before March lifted his head with a confused glare. 

“Huh?” 

“Huh. I thought that would’ve been much cooler than it was. Context was probably better, in hindsight.” 

Both turned their attention to the opening tavern doors, a familiar figure now gracing the open room. A few others called out to them first, receiving a smile, a wave, and a short conversation in return. March sat up straight, ignoring how light headed it made him feel this time. 

“(Y/N)! Heyyy!" He practically drawled out his greetings. “C’mere, c’mere!” 

The heat from his blush was intermingling with the heat from being drunker than Hell, so he no longer paid it any attention. March eagerly patted the counter next to him, practically begging for them to come sit with him. If he were a dog, his tail would have wagged so intensely as the wide smile on his face mirrored theirs as they made their way over. 

“Uh, hi there March! Had enough to drink already?” 

“You’re here!” March let a genuine, heartfelt giggle bubble up from his chest at how light their presence alone made him feel. 

“I am—oh! Okay--” 

March practically threw himself against them, his head against their shoulder while they tried to hold onto the drink Hemlock has just offered them. His bottom lip jutted out, a very prominent pout, as he started to drag his finger along their extended arm now, drawing little shapes like he had done previously to the counter. 

“...Where were you?” His voice grew oddly quiet. “You haven’t been by in days.” 

“Well, I--” (Y/n) tried to explain. A heavy wave of guilt washed over them, a huge pang of pain shooting through their heart at how March looked up at them—sad, puppy dog eyes, his metaphorical ears and tail drooping as though he were sopping wet from the rain. They had to grip at their heart, almost comically, dramatically, throwing their head back in despair at just how evil they had been! 

“I’m sorry! I had a lot of work on the farm, you know? There’s a lot of cleaning up to do there before I can think about maybe expanding my crops, or working on a barn, you know?” They stuck their lips out into a pout of their own, gently patting March’s exposed cheek with their other hand. “Didn’t mean to make you worry.” 

March looked back down at their arm again, now dragging his finger up and down it, quietly mumbling, hoping that they wouldn’t be able to hear. 

“Wasn’t worried...” he started, mumbling even softer, “Just... missed you.” 

Though he thought it were quiet enough, a drunk person’s reality never seems to match; (Y/n) stared down at him, almost dumbstruck at how loudly he had professed his feelings—they weren’t much, but those words alone proved to (Y/n) that there really WAS some sort of fire in that frozen heart of his! Their gaze softened as they slowly turned their arm over, opening and closing their palm a few times to signal an offer. 

March almost immediately, willingly, took their hand and interlaced their fingers. He kept his eyes trained on their hands, studying the way their fingers seemed to fit perfectly between his. After they gently leaned their head against his, he spoke again—a little more clearly this time. 

“So... you don’t hate me?” It sounded pained. 

“No, I don’t hate you in the slightest, March.” 

“...You weren’t avoiding me?” 

“Not at all.” They gave his hand a little squeeze. “Is that what you thought this whole time? Is that why you’re so clingy tonight?” 

“...No.” March huffed, closing his eyes and turning his face away, though he doesn’t dare take his head off of their shoulder. Their soft laugh surrounded him like a soft melody, and he relished in it a moment before speaking up again. “Don’t ruin my daily schedule. Come by at least once a day.” 

“Alright,” they laughed again, “Demanding, much?” 

“You’re making it difficult to get my work done. To sleep. Just—come by at least once so I can see you and have a good day.” 

(Y/n) nuzzled against the top of his head slightly, a smile hidden from his view as they agreed, choosing to ignore the nervous way March started to fidget, and ignoring the way butterflies flew rampantly in their stomach. With their free hand, they brought the glass of water Hemlock had been trying to push on him all night up to his lips, encouraging him to drink at least a bit. 

At least for the night, tension between them had settled—whatever tension they chose to believe there was. March’s chest felt lighter, a weight lifted off his shoulders, as he basked in their glow rather than the cold, lonely moon’s, just for tonight. A goofy, genuine smile made its way up to his eyes, watching as he messed with (Y/n)’s hand and easily accepted any time they gave him water. 

“You’ll forget all this tomorrow, huh?” 

“Yup.” He smiled, giving their hand a squeeze and slightly cuddling further into their shoulder. 

“You’ll go back to hating me tomorrow too, then?” 

“As long as you remember to come by, absolutely.” 

[themotherofhorses]

pairing: aemond targaryen x handmaid!reader

summary: ...aemond realizes he’s fallen in love with his handmaid five months later as he stands outside his bedchamber.

warnings: explicit language. aemond's kinda horny but mainly a lovesick dude. steamy makeout session towards the end??

notes: welcome back to another short episode of "aemond targaryen being a total fucking simp for his handmaid bc vic is too damn obsessed with this pairing."

his handmaid's tales | main masterlist

Aemond realizes he’s fallen in love with his handmaid five months later as he stands outside his bedchamber.

Through the doors comes your soft voice from the inside, feminine and melodious, absolutely beautiful to him. It’s muffled by the thick walls, but he can hear the verse you sing to yourself. I loved a maid as fair as summer, he chants along in his head, with sunlight in her hair...

He sneaks a peek inside the room. You sit on the settee, crossed at the knee like a highborn lady, with an eyepatch in one hand and a thread and needle in the other. Aemond recognizes that one eyepatch at first glance. The sight tugs at his heartstrings. It was a favorite of his, a rare gift from his father on his thirteenth nameday. Viserys had his name embroidered along the inside in pretty cursive.

Aemond One-Eye.

Viserys’s smile was as brilliant and big as the blue summer sea. My boy…three-and-ten. How you’ve grown so fast before my very eyes.  

But the eyepatch grew too small for him as the years passed, and he hid it away, never wishing to see it again. His father now was nothing more than a half-decaying corpse still sitting the throne in pure mulishness, who hadn’t muttered his second son’s name in two long years. He doesn’t know how you found it, nor does he feel any slight bit of bother.

“I loved a maid as red as autumn, with sunset in her hair,” you hum next, turning the eyepatch around to thread the loop. Your feet are bare, pretty hair tousled, and the servant’s robe does little to veil your blinding beauty. His gaze focuses on your face. Your lips look pink and plump- ripe for him to kiss and bite and swallow in all the endless kisses he yearns to give you, and your eyes twinkle as bright as the midday sunlight.

I love a maiden as beautiful as all the seasons.

“I love a maiden as white as winter, with moonglow in her hair-”

He strolls into his bedchamber, striking you off guard, your singing breaking off abruptly. “My prince!” you exclaim, bolting up to slip your feet back into your shoes. “Oh, my sincerest apologies, my prince. I was told you would be gone for the better part of the day.” Amid your babbling, you drop the needle and thread onto the floor, “is there anything you need from me?”

He wanted to laugh.

“I had no notion that you had such a…lovely voice,” Aemond instead tells you, lacing his hands together behind his back. The compliment widens your eyes, and he hears how your breath hitches in your throat. You resemble a fairytale maiden, doe-eyed and flustered at the sight of her wooer. “I’m very sorry, my prince….”

“Do you sing a lot?”

You bite your lip, and it causes his cock to stir within his pants. No, no, stop that at once, he wishes to say aloud. Only I should be allowed to bite your luscious lips like that. All mine. “My mother sang to me as a little girl,” you admit, braving a faint smile up at him. “Sometimes, when I’m missing her, I sing. Perhaps it sounds a bit silly…but it makes me feel as if she is in the room with me.”

Aemond hums, nodding his head. He then looks down at the eyepatch within your hands, raising an eyebrow. “Pray tell where you found my old eyepatch. I swore I hid it well all those years ago…” and he hopes you catch the thin amusement in his tone.

“Oh…” you fall silent, unsure what to say next. “I was tidying up your desk and bookcase, my prince…I opened a drawer, I believe it was the second to last one to the left of the desk, and I found it there….” you glance at the eyepatch, running a finger over the black cloth patch, “-I thought, perhaps, it would be a nice surprise if I extended the straps so that you could wear it once again. It is very pretty!”

You hold it out for him to take. “Would you like to try it on? Just for me to check if I need to loosen it up some more.”

Aemond stiffens. “Perhaps later,” he says, a bit sullenly. “I do not like to take off my patch when others are still around. I’ve found that my missing eye is quite the…dreadful sight to many.” He clenches his jaw so tight he wonders if his teeth might shatter. But you just shake your head.

“My prince, believe me when I say that no such thing would ever terrify me.” Aemond could hear his brother snigger in the back of his mind, and he shifted uneasily. “I’m your handmaid. Please trust every word I tell you.” He remembers the cool night under the stars when he claimed Vhagar for himself, gazing out into the darkened sand dunes where she slept. Your smile is the warmth he needed.

He tilts his head, searching for any sign of deceit amongst your features. Gods, but you’re too damn beautiful for your own good, he thinks as he sighs and slides the patch from off his face.

Do not dare mock me…flinch…or run away…

But you just stare up at him, studying the dark sapphire he’s stuffed inside his missing socket. The skin stretched around it is rather uneven and tender and pinkish, and his healed scar cuts through his eyebrow. “May I, my prince?” you ask. He nods, and you gently trace the scar with your fingertip, up and down. Your touch is soft, and delicate, sending a shiver up his spine.

“You did not deserve this, believe me when I say that,” you whisper, and he feels your hot breath, “—you were just a boy….”

Gods be good, no one has ever told Aemond those words before. He does not know what to say, remaining silent and still.

Then, without warning, you stand on your tippy toes to kiss his cheek, your eyes shutting as your soft lips press against his skin.  

I love a maiden as beautiful as all the seasons.

“You are still handsome and strong and worthy, my prince,” you mumble, stroking his cheek, a smile flickering across your pink…plump…luscious lips and Aemond…

…Aemond pulls you flush against his chest, swathing an arm tight around your waist as the other tangles his fingers through your hair, his mouth slamming down on yours in a heavy and wet kiss that leaves your knees buckling beneath you. Kiss her. Take her. Make her yours. Your arms fly up to his neck as you sink into his grasp.

“She is yours. Your handmaid. Everything she does next is at your own will and mercy…but do treat her well, Aemond…it is through kindheartedness that you receive devotion.”

And he lays a kiss on your lips, and another, and another…and with them all, Aemond swears himself a man obsessed and blinded by love. He knows he will not survive this miserable, torturous life without you by his side. You, his precious handmaid- his maiden as beautiful as all the seasons.

By the time he lets you go, you’re breathless and dizzy and as giddy as a young girl. He gives you only a few more seconds before he kisses you again, flinging you onto his bed. “My prince…!” you cry out, bouncing as he begins to chuckle, swallowing the rest of your words in his mouth. “Oh, this is improper,” you gasp, toes curling as he pulls at your bottom lip, “it’s so….gods, it’s so wrong…I need to…I need…”

“Shhh,” he answers, kissing your nose and chin, and temple before your lips again. “You don’t leave this room unless I dismiss you, remember?”

tag list: @aemondsblog @dc-marvel-girl96 @neobanguniverse @missalycat21 @enchantingcupcakecollectionfan @padfooteyes @alexizodd @kravitzwhore

[superblysubpar]

steve harrington x you

1,184 words

warnings: overall, this is, I guess, a fluffy moment with Steve, but there is some angst - slight (like slight allusions) "mentions" of mental health things like depression, feeling a little lost/alone, etc | minor alcohol mention/use | your eddie's best friend in this

A/N: I actually have no idea what this is? It just poured out of me. I blame re-watching Wednesday while writing today. but also, I have thoughts and ideas for this to continue and I'd love to hear what you think/if you'd like more of these two. Anyways, thanks for reading 💛

a blurb for the "Trick or Treat, Freak?" event - don't forget to vote for tomorrow's fic at the bottom of this blurb

The sliding glass door dulls the noise of the party inside, long vertical blinds sway behind the glass, glimpses of red solo cups, heels pressed close to sneakers and intertwined hands on their way to up or down staircases and around dark corners illuminated by flashes of neon.

Your shoulders relax in a deep sigh as you take a step back from the door, breath clouding up in front of you from the brisk autumn air. The beer in your cup tips up to your lips, lukewarm and super shitty as it flows over your tongue, but it’s something.

Something to sip on while you wait for your best friend to finish selling whatever it is he needs to sell to make tonight worth it. Something for your hands to fiddle with as you take a step down the nice porch stairs, dark stained wood clunking beneath your sneakers as you go.

The pool belonging to whoever’s party this is, is dark, water still, its surface glass and reflecting the trees and stars above it perfectly. Standing on its edge, something about it calls you to jump in, to disrupt the calm. It makes you miss Summer despite hating the season. It makes you wonder if you screamed loud enough under the water, would someone still hear you?

You’re kneeling down, fingers about to glide across the water when a voice says, “Tommy H peed in that like,” a raspberry is blown between lips after the words from your left before they continue, “Two hours ago? So you’re probably fine, but…”

Steve Harrington watches your fingers hesitate, then return to your side as you frown at the water.

“Good choice,” he finishes, then flips over another card on the lounger he’s straddling with a pout of his lips. “Damn.”

“Losing?” You question, curiosity getting the better of you as you place one foot in front of the other on the edge of the pool, like your own little tightrope, daring the universe to do what it pleases. Ending up in a pool with Tommy H’s piss seems like something the fates would think was funny and fair when it came to your life at this point.

You’re not one to talk to Steve Harrington, The Hair, King Steve, or any of the other ludicrous names the town of Hawkins had granted him, but it’s also not like Steve, to be outside, alone, at a raging party such as this one.

“Always,” Steve sighs. He runs a hand through fairly unstyled hair and looks up at you. Moonlight illuminates a face full of freckles and gold green eyes that sparkle a little when their gaze meets yours. “Ever feel like that? Like, really, truly, you are never winning? At anything?”

Your chest hurts at the tone of his question, at how un-joking he is. Steve Harrington truly feels like he’s always losing, and someone like you can’t fathom such a thing.

“Always,” you repeat back to him, your admittance whispered and carried with a larger puff of your breath into the air for a mere moment, then gone.

Neither of you push the subject further, and eventually both of your gazes drop. The shared tortured feeling just sits between you two, a chasm neither care to inch closer to in order to help the other cross it.

Steve flips over a Queen of Hearts and glances back up at you. You’re teetering on the edge of the pool, red solo cup being nursed, cradled to your chest as you pout at the house. One that seems to only be getting rowdier, so he asks, “Didn’t you hear? There’s a party happening inside.”

Your laugh echoes in the night, it disappears into the trees as you speak to the star filled and cloudless sky.

“ ‘Fraid I’m not much of a party gal these days.”

Which, Steve understands. He never really pegged you for one anyways. He doesn’t know you, not really. He’s just seen you around, with Eddie. You seem to offer a certain sarcastic rain cloud vibe to balance out his theatrical and loud personality. Occasionally you’ve chatted with Robin at Family Video longer than it took to grab your rental and he’s learned a few things then, he guesses. You hate math, and the color blue, and brass instruments like Robin’s trumpet - but you love your cello. You’re not too fond of frogs for some reason and you doodle birds when you’re bored. He knows you prefer m&m’s with your popcorn and a gory slasher flick, but that you also rented Pretty In Pink four times.

“Me either,” Steve offers and you grin and he winces, realizing his mistake.

“Well, you know what they say,” you tilt your head and knock your cup to your cheek, hiding part of your smile he thinks is really pretty and wishes you’d show it off more. “Can take the gal out of the party, but never the party out the gal.”

Steve groans around a pity laugh, and then he shakes his head, fingers fiddling with the Queen of Hearts. “Speaking of gals and parties, you see Robin in there?”

“Yeah, like,” you blow your breath out as you finally reach the bottom of the lounger he’s on. “An hour ago? Leaving.”

“What?” Steve looks up at you, incredulous.

“I take it you’ve been waiting here for her?”

“Son of…” Steve curses under his breath and then points at you, and you can tell he’s not that mad actually, not really. “You’re my witness, alright? She told me I couldn’t leave two hours ago, because I was her ride. And what does she do? Leaves! Without telling me! Typical!”

He starts to pack up the cards, patting his pockets as he stands with a groan. He holds his arms to his chest and spins his torso, stretching stiff joints from being bent like that for so long. Now that he was standing you can see that his hair and un-party attitude aren’t the only abnormal things about him tonight.

Steve Harrington is wearing a bright yellow sweater.

Somehow, the color seems even brighter against his tan skin. He was a golden boy down to the color of his shirt, and it made you miss the warmth of the sun that much more when he covers it up with a gray Member’s Only jacket.

Your gaze wanders to the pool again when his zipper closes over the color, a longing sort of look on your face that Steve watches as he starts towards the gate of the yard. When you still haven’t followed, he calls your name.

Steve Harrington smiles at you shyly, like he’s a little nervous, like he’s trying to figure you out just as much as you are him. He nods his head to the gate behind him and asks:

“Well, you coming or not?”

Your eyebrows raise in shock.

“Wha…what? Where?”

Steve looks at the house that’s practically vibrating now and then back at you. His shoulders lift and fall as he spins car keys on his pointer finger.

“Does it matter?”

I decided that for this one, I'll share a little snippet from some wips that may or may not have already been hinted at in this event. Have fuuunnn

*voting will close at 10am CST tomorrow, 10/10

*as a reminder the results of this poll will be combined for the results of the same poll placed on the other fic posted today - so go vote twice if you'd like!

[mcuamerica]

Legacy | Eris x Reader

For Eris Week 2024 - Day 2: Childhood | Legacy @erisweekofficial

Summary: Eris and his mate have two girls, but Eris starts to doubt his ability as a father as you’re about to have a boy. 

Warnings: parental abuse (Beron), child near-drowning (let me know if I missed anything!)

Dividers by @tsunami-of-tears for Eris Week.

Calida and Rhea ran around the Forest House garden. Callie stuck to the areas near the bushes while Rhea played by the brook, always so much closer to water than Callie. It was a trait that you nor Eris had a clue where it came from but Rhea loved the water. If you didn’t know better, you would think she was a daughter of Summer and not Night and Autumn. Nonetheless, you were both proud to call her your daughter. Callie too. 

Eris frowned as he watched Rhea stumble into the small brook, sitting up in his chair to prepare to help her. 

He paused, a memory of when he was a child flashing through his mind. 

Lucien was showing Eris how he caught fish. A mere boy of 10. He had no business being in the river. Certainly not when a dam suddenly broke and rushed the water towards him. Eris was too late, watching as his youngest brother was devoured by the waves. As we went to help, his father’s hand landed on his shoulder. “Do not help him,” he said sternly. 

Eris looked up, frowning. “What do you mean? He will drown.” A slap for the talk back fell upon his cheek. He was used to it, should’ve known better. 

“If he does, then he is no son of mine.” He said and frowned as he watched the red haired boy fight against the raging water. Eris looked towards the broken dam, frowning at the singed bark around the edges. His father. Beron had broken the dam. Knowing Lucien would drown. 

Eris turned towards his father. “Mother will be-“

“Your mother will not say anything.” Beron said, his hand coming up to Eris’s throat. “Shall I throw you into the water as well? See how well you survive, Eris?” He growled. 

Eris shook his head, taking a deep breath as his father released his throat. “Let him die… or save him and face the consequences of ensuring the weakness of your brother. Of my legacy.” He growled. 

Eris watched as Lucien struggled. He could swim. Not well… but he could. He was struggling to stay afloat… and being pulled further down the river. To the waterfall. Damn the consequences, he wasn’t going to let his brother die because his father was a bastard. 

He ran towards the river, leaping in after Lucien. He helped Lucien to the shore, his arm wrapping against his waist. Lucien coughed out water as they reached the shore. Just as he was about to say thank you to his brother, Eris was snatched out of the water by Beron. 

“Find your way home.” Beron growled to Lucien then winnowed away from him, Eris’s dripping body going with him. 

Eris received the beating of his life that night. And two days afterwards. Lucien was fine, but was forbidden to see Eris for weeks. What did it say about Eris that his daughters never experienced such things? It was good, they never met their grandfather. Never knew the abuse he endured. But did that make him weak? For keeping it to himself? 

Just as he had the thought, Callie ran over to her, helping her up. 

“You okay?” Her small voice asked, ever the protective older sister. 

Rhea frowned at a rock beneath her foot. “It tripped me.” She said, crossing her arms. 

Eris let out a small chuckle, leaning back as he watched his girls talk. They ran off together, two of his (their) hounds running after them. He looked over his shoulder as you slept on the bed, perched up by a few pillows so your pregnant stomach would be supported. He still wasn’t sure how you two had managed to get pregnant so close in years, but he wasn’t complaining. 

He loved you so much it hurt. And he loved your two girls even more, if it was possible. Though, you know your were having a boy this time around. And a boy was different. 

Raising the girls was new. There was nothing for him to compare to… his father raised all boys, if you call what he did raising… The girls were different. They were bright and soft and strong and full of life. And he knew his little boy would be too. But… his father raised so many boys. And all but two were truly decent. If Eris counted himself decent. 

Would he be different towards his boy? Treat him harder? Worse than his girls? Would be expect more from him just because he was a male? 

The inner turmoil raced through his head, so much that it was communicated down the bond to you. 

You stirred from your afternoon nap, seeing Eris chewing on his lip. It was a quirk he didn’t show often but when he did you knew something was wrong. 

You slowly got out of the bed. You were 8 months pregnant, very much ready to be done with the pregnancy and have your little boy in your arms. But something was bothering Eris. And that was something you needed to fix. If only because you wanted to go back to sleep. 

“Eris.” You whispered, a hand resting on his shoulder. 

Eris barely moved, his eyes glancing up to you. “Are you well, my love?” He asked you. 

A small smile danced on your lips. “I should be asking you that. You’re a nervous wreck. Are the girls okay?” You asked. 

“They’re perfect… that’s the problem.” He said. 

A confused frowned made its way to your face with a slight tilt of your head. 

“It’s just… What if the girls are this way because… I’m meant to raise girls. Because my father-“ Eris took a shaky breath. “My father raised terrible sons. What if I do the same?” He asked. 

“Eris… are you the only one raising them?” You asked, walking to stand in front of him. His only answer was a shake of the head. “Are you planning to raise our boy differently?” Another shake of the head. “And will you love him just as much as you love our girls?” Another one.. “Then why would you raise a terrible son?” 

His eyes finally met yours, amber burning into violet. “Because I don’t know how to raise a son.”

“You didn’t know how to raise a daughter until 10 years ago,” you said, cupping his cheek. “And now you have two. Maybe not perfect, but damn good daughters. Who love you more than anything.” You said. “And I would not decide to have a child with you, male or female, if I thought you would make a bad father.” 

Tears lined his eyes. “But my father-“

“Was a terrible man… and you, Eris Vanserra, are not your father. Not by a long shot.” You said and leaned down, pressing your lips to his. “Don’t you forget that.” You whispered before turning away from him. “Let’s go get the girls, I’m hungry and we should make some apple crisp.” You said. 

Eris followed after you, soon seeing the girls wrap themselves around your legs. And when he looked at the three of you, and soon to be fourth growing in your belly, he knew this would be his legacy. The strong, loving family you built together. And he was proud to have it.

A/N: I love the thought of Eris being a girl dad (and being amazing at it) but being insecure when a boy rolls around... ugh I love him.

[danibee33]

The Queen’s Guard- Chapter 4: Enough

knight!simon riley x queen!reader

CW: dark themes - no graphic depictions* but non-con, sa, domestic violence, suicidal ideations *read at your own discretion*

word count: 3.5k

[<<< chapter 3]

“Hen..” Johnny turns to walk backwards, looking at you with a lopsided smile before you see his eyes cast up and to the right- lids narrowing for a split second, but the expression passes as he continues, “It’s swelterin’ out today, what’s with the fashion choice, eh?”

It had been a terribly, unseasonably, hot day- the sun was bright and oppressive as you walked through the hedges. You can feel the individual pearls of sweat beading off your skin under the high collar, your teeth clenching at the way they trickled down between your shoulder blades and collected in your cleavage-

And may all the gods damn this forsaken corset..

You don’t say that, though you sorely wish you could. No, instead, you fan yourself; fighting vainly to keep your breaths measured and at a normal pace.

But that’s incredibly hard to do when your lungs can only expand as far as the rigid boning that lines your torso would allow.

Your handmaid, Elia, had fallen ill late last night, and her temporary replacement seems to have a grudge against breathing, apparently..

“It is supposed to be autumn-”, you mutter back, gratefully taking his arm when he returns to your side, “not bloody summer.”

“My, my.. Do they teach ya how to speak like that at Queen school, Your Grace?”

He belts out that wonderful, smooth laugh at his own awful joke- nudging into you when you give more of a strained huff than the actual chuckle you’d been going for.

This would be his last day here. The week had gone by so quick, far too quick; the days had felt like the usual whirlwind and calamity that is your life, though you admit that as soon as the King left the castle walls, you were quick to reschedule nearly every event that you could manage. Not wanting to miss any more time with Johnny than you absolutely had to-

Then there’s Simon.. Wasn’t it also a week ago since the night in the hedges? Oh- right here, actually! How painfully convenient-

You fight the urge to roll your eyes at the thought, recognizing the specific spot you had been with him- fight the urge to wonder desperately if he feels the same turmoil over what occurred.

Nothing had changed between you, well, nothing outwardly, anyway. Internally? You were confused, and ashamed, so fearful, and yet, every time you let your mind recount how sinfully good it felt- to have him so close, to have his lips caress your skin, and that deep, brassy voice reverberate through your ears- you feel that awful, terrible ache for him grow even more.

“Earth to Sunny…”

You look up too fast, or maybe it wasn’t even that fast; but the moment your head tilts toward his voice, and the sun bears down on your face, you see a flurry of black stars dance across your vision, thickening until there’s nothing at all. No more light, no heat, no heaviness, no restriction around your lungs- just pure, blissful nothing.

”Mm.. My Queen..”

Warm lips press a long kiss behind your ear, his voice silky and muffled as he speaks- calloused hands roam your body, they leave the most delectable chills in their wake. Your skin impossibly hot and cold at the same time-

“I’m not your queen anymore, Simon. Remember?”

He moves to hover over you, his mouth never leaving your skin as it traces every curve, and slope, and freckle with the softest kisses you’re sure you’ve ever felt. The sensation of them is more like a feather being dragged over your flesh, slow, every delightful stroke made with purpose, intention.

And when he chuckles, you can't help but to suck in a sharp gasp at how his breath tickles the skin of your tummy, how it seems to fan out, warming something much, much deeper inside you-

“Love.. You’ll always be my queen. Or, do you not remember the first time I kneeled before you? The oath I took- my fealty sworn to you, and you alone, for as long as I live.”

The image of Simon kneeling at your feet makes you squirm under him; recalling vividly how large and menacing he was even in such a vulnerable position, how he had looked up at you under his brow- molten amber irises practically dancing in the light, so full of guile and adoration, even then.

A shrill noise parts your lips when he hoists your thighs over his shoulders, your heart racing, blood rushing to your cheeks and neck as you dare to look down at him-

And you know the minute you meet his eyes, see the intensity behind them, even with the rest of his face obscured as he nuzzles further against your cunt, that it would be your undoing.

How would anyone, or anything, ever compare?

Certainly not your King- no, not yours anymore. Wait.. is that right?

The thought disappears just as quickly as it had come, the pain of it replaced by the reverent worship of Simon’s tongue-

You’re slammed back into reality by a rush of cool water streaming over your face- it feels heavenly, since you now also feel that ungodly heat wrapping around you again, your senses slowly coming back into focus-

The earthy, sweet smell of the garden filling your nose, the feel of the water evaporating from your skin, the dry taste that coats your tongue, and urgent voices resounding in your ear.

“Steamin’ bloody Jesus..”

“My Queen?”

You’re gently shaken, large hands holding your face- but it’s your name spoken in that voice you’ve dreamed about, so deep and laced with concern, with worry, that settles heavily in your heart, bringing you even further into the moment. And you so badly want to reach for it, for him-

But when you try to raise your hand, it feels like lifting iron chains, your energy thoroughly depleted; you move to sit up anyway, needing to fix this- whatever this was.

“W-what.. What is it?”

Gods, it even feels impossible to speak- but, finally, it seems your eyes have decided to work again, even if the view before you is blurred and hazy at first. You blink away the remaining starbursts, seeing two imposing silhouettes perched over you-

“Grianach..”

It’s when your gaze meets Johnny’s, your brain able to register the horror, the anguish- that you scramble to clutch at your throat.

Oh no.. no, no, no-

In their efforts to relieve you of your many insulating layers, it seems they cut the laces of your corset, and ripped the collar of your gown apart at the seams-

The high collar that you insisted on to cover the angry purplish bruises that currently wrap around your neck, the outline of a hand turning green and yellow with age. There were other bruises in much the same state on your arm and your thigh, and you thank the gods that those could not be so easily seen- because the murderous gleam in Simon and Johnny’s eyes is scary enough.

What would they do if they saw the rest…

You order them to help you up, dismissing their reservations as you simultaneously plead for them to call no one else-

“This is.. embarrassing enough. I do not wish for anyone else to see me, there are too many rumors and baseless speculation as it is-”

Simon is close again, right there supporting your weight, his body tense and ready for anything- but his eyes..

A shiver wracks through you as the image of those same eyes settling between your thighs flits through your mind; a motion they both mistake for the start of another fainting spell, judging by the way they grip you a little tighter- Johnny’s hand at your waist in an instant,

“Let me fetch the physician-”

“No.”

“Sunny..”

Looking between them, between cobalt blue and rich copper, between the man you’ve known your entire life, and the one that has somehow upended everything you thought you knew, your knees feel weak again.

“Please- Just.. Take me to my chambers.”

Simon moves immediately, leaving Johnny no choice but to follow as the towering man leads you through the hedge- but he doesn’t go towards the usual entrance you should be taking. You follow his long strides to a shadowed alcove, one you never would look twice at; but, to your surprise, when he pushes against an odd section of wall, it opens.

Johnny casts you a sidelong glance, and you wish you had an answer for him- hells, you wish you had an answer at all. It shouldn’t be surprising there are secret and hidden passageways within the castle, you suppose you’re just surprised you were never made aware of them. Especially since the corridor he chooses takes you directly to your rooms-

Your mouth opens the moment he closes the three of you in, a demand already on your tongue to know exactly how Simon knew about this, but all coherent thought turns to mush when he turns on you, pulling the black glove from his hand,

“Did he do this to you?”

The feel of his bare fingers on your skin sends your entire body reeling, unable, or maybe just unwilling, to pull away from his touch, even when you see Johnny’s eyebrows furrow in equal parts confusion and anger.

“Yes.”

“The King?” Johnny nearly choke on his own words, running a hand through his mess of hair as he watches Simon back away.

“It’s not-” You start, but you don’t have a justification, or an excuse, just the horrific memory of how angry your King had been, how he stormed into your room after the feast- his breath so laden with the smell of wine that it made your stomach queasy.

He took you that night before he left, by force. Pinned you down, and hissed the most obscene and vile things in your ear, his hands marking you for everyone to see; but you think it was mostly for his own depraved pleasure-

”Tell me about this Lord of yours- hm?” “Dancing with him like some common whore- you’re a fucking embarrassment to my crown-” “Well, since you want to act like one, I’ll show you exactly how I treat my harlots.”

As much as you tried to reassure him, he wouldn’t listen, didn’t want to hear what you had to say; and it was too easy for him to silence you with a strong grip around your neck-

You feel the hot tears threaten to spill at the memory, but you won’t, you refuse to let them fall- you refuse to shed one more single fucking tear for that monster, and certainly not right now.

So, you swallow the agonizing lump in your throat, pinning the men in front of you with a determined glare, “This shall not leave this room, am I clear?”

Johnny steps forward, “What?”

You raise your hand to stop him, holding your ground, “It isn’t a suggestion. It is a command-”, your feet move on autopilot, crossing the distance to the spacious washroom.

“But, Sunny.. You can’t let him get away with this! What else is there, huh? How else has he hurt-” Simon moves to cut him off, a strong arm reaching out to hold the Scot back, “Get your hands off me.”

They stand toe to toe, Simon’s eyes practically burning a hole through Johnny, the shorter man giving it back just as severely,

“Enough..” You sigh, moving quickly to push yourself between them, an open palm placed over their chests- Johnny’s, solid and warm, the muscle underneath heaving with every breath, and Simons.. The obsidian steel, cold and unforgiving, but it’s impossible to miss how his breathing is just as labored.

He’s just as livid-

“Please..”

At the same time, they relax under your touch, the sound of your plea softening both of their hearts for a moment- long enough to hear out, at least.

“Come back with me.” Johnny says, his voice so strong and steady that you swear you could feel the conviction behind the simple statement-

You shake your head, stepping from between them, “You know I can’t. That’s my home, our home, which you stand to inherit. The King would-“

Yes.. What would the great and benevolent ruler do? Would he make up a reason to attack your beloved homeland, to round up your family and have them executed? Would he make you watch Johnny’s head roll before casting your own off with it? He had already shown you a taste of how far his jealousy could go, how truly malicious and cruel he was willing to be when you angered him- and that only seemed to be happening more as of late.

“I will not go. I will not endanger your-” He tries to speak again, and you can see the flush of anger color his cheeks, his bright eyes so dark now, so full of turmoil, rage, “I WILL NOT.. endanger your life, or the lives of any of my people, Johnny..”

“Then I’ll take ya somehwere they won’t find us! Somewhere, where we’re nobodies, not a lord, or a queen- somewhere our names won’t matter. We’ll pick new ones, and it’ll be just us, just like it used to be, Grianach-”

A series of knocks at the doors throws the room into an eerie silence, agitation still hanging thick and heavy in the air around you as you look to Simon with a small nod; watching him cross the space and walk out of sight; your ears straining to hear who has come to seek you out, eyes staying glued to the wall, waiting to see him round it once again-

Johnny’s voice is sudden and low in your ear, so close it almost startles you as he speaks in your native tongue, or well, the bastardized slang you had always spoken to each other as children, ”Do you trust him?”

You turn to look up at him, eyebrows furrowed and your tone just as low, ”Yes, I do.”

There’s a moment when he seems to question your answer, question how little hesitation there was behind it- his eyes dancing over your face before darting up and back down to you just as quick,

”Bring him, then. Would that make you say ‘yes’?”

A familiar sequence of taps causes you to look back towards the entryway, where Simon stands as casual as ever, hand resting on the hilt of his sword as he looks between you and Johnny,

“Lord MacTavish’s horse has been prepared, along with his things, as previously requested-”

“Well, tell ‘em to take him back to stable, ‘m not leavin’.” Johnny spits back with a venom you’re not you’ve ever heard from the man.

But Simon, characteristically, is entirely unfazed by the outlash, looking back through his helmet, his expression almost comically bored.

“I answer to the Queen.” He hums out, eyes now on you in a way that feels far too personal, too intimate, as he moves forward with slow steps, “Not you.”

No.. No. I can’t do this- not here, not again. I don’t even know what this is, but it’s too much.

“All right, both of you- out.” You seethe, your hands clenching and unclenching as you all but shove Johnny back to the secret entrance- because the last thing you needed was for one the King’s many eyes in the castle to see him departing from your chambers.

He doesn’t try to stop you, but he does beg once again, softly, quietly- a plea for which you don’t have an answer to, not right now anyway. What he wants is impossible and improbable, it would never work. Right? Right.

There is no way out of this for you- there never really was.

“Later, Johnny. When we’ve calmed down and had time to think. I need to dress, now, go. I swear, I will find you.”

You watch him go, watch him spare one last glance before disappearing into the damp shadows of the tunnel, leaving you alone yet again with your Ghost. And that same, awful ache that never seems to leave you, makes itself apparent at the thought- your reeling mind certainly not helping to quell it by any means.

“You, too.” You say, squaring your shoulders and steeling yourself to face him, “I just need-”

When you do finally look up, your stride falters- seeing him already looking at you, his hand reaching for yours as if it were the most natural thing in the world to do- but, at the last second, he stops himself. His long fingers curling into a fist as they fall back in place at his side, and you don’t know why his restraint only serves to enthrall you more.

“I understand, My Queen..”

You want to scream and cry as you watch him slip his glove back on, covering the pale, scarred skin again-

“Si- Ser.. I’m sorry-”

“No.” He cuts you off gently, his voice warm and kind as he turns into you fully, “You have nothin’ to apologize for.. Not a single thing.”

Gods, why does he have to make it so difficult to be in his presence? Just standing here with him, his frame dwarfing your own, tall and broad, so immovable, so powerful; and yet, he somehow manages to make you feel like you’re the one looking down at him, like a deity gazing down on their devout disciple; like just allowing him the grace of your time and attention is what he lives for-

That is absurd.. And blasphemous. What is wrong with me.. It’s just a silly infatuation that I’ve aggrandized, that I’ve made more important than it is, obviously. I don’t know any better, anyway. This could be a ruse, and I wouldn’t know it, only ever having been with one boorish man; they could all be like that, Simon included-

“I’ll be at my post, Your Grace.” His voice is closer to normal now, not low and rich, spoken like it’s only meant for your ears-

All you can manage is a lame nod, turning away as he leaves because you know you couldn’t bear to see him go. Instead, you busy yourself finding another dress to cover your neck before calling in the handmaids for help.

Yes, busy, that usually tends to ward off the wayward and errant musings, the fantasies of what can never be- you’ll hone your focus on the mundane, on the way this new dress is softer than the last, the dark green velvet hugging you tenderly. Focus on the pinch of the corset, your eyes glancing at the wardrobe where you know the mutilated one now resides.

You simply won’t think about him. Or Johnny, and his preposterous proposal-

Oh, your sweet Johnny.. still ever the bleeding heart he is. You’ll send him back home with grand gifts, and hope he finds the letter you wrote for his eyes only, hope he can move on, and forget what he regrettably had to witness.

It will be ok. You’ll make sure he’s taken care of, that he won’t be cast into an unsavory light, or blamed.

Not when you’re so painfully aware that he’s the only wonderfully bright light you had been blessed with in so long, and gods forbid it’s your fault that his light is snuffed out-

The mirror catches your eye, reflecting someone so different back to you now. Different from a few short months ago, different from just a week ago, an hour ago, even. And while you don’t know if you particularly care for the woman you see, you know she is necessary for what’s to come.

It will be ok.

Simon stands guard at her door, unwavering and vigilant- but his mind races.

How could this have happened to his Queen, on his watch no less, how could he have allowed that monster to enter her chambers?

To hurt her.. defile her- his Queen. He swore his life to protect her, but he never imagined the one she needed saving from would be his own sovereign.

No matter. Because at the end of the day, the King is just a man; mortal, made of flesh and blood, a beating heart that can so easily be pierced by a sharp blade. A soft, squishy neck just made for cleaving-

And he doesn’t know this cousin of hers, doesn’t know what kind of lord he is, but she seems to trust him implicitly- they seem close in ways he can quite grasp. But, perhaps he’s on to something, Simon could get her away from here, away from this hellish place that drains her more and more, every waking moment.

He would take care of her, it would be so easy to make them both disappear.. they already called him ‘Ghost’, why not live up to the idea the mindless drones of court already have of him?

Hm.. Ghost-

The name rolls around on his tongue, Simon Riley has been called many things in his life, but none of them ever sounded so fitting.

[chapter 5>>>]

[lovebillyhargrove]

@akioukun remember the wonderful harringrove au you came up with? It still gives inspiration every damn day - if not to create, then to get on with life ☀️🍂

***

Summer is slipping away unnoticed, dissipating into smoky pre-dawn mist,

Caressing Steve's eyelids with gentle sun rays that cut through the thin white lace of clouds in the bluest sky,

Still setting the weightless dresses of orange-yellow leaves, that cover dark tree branches, on fire.

It's leaving quietly, retreating into the fading sounds of the forest.

Kissing autumn with tender touches of petals —

Last meadow flowers are the bravest, the sweetest.

In return, Steve swirls Billy in a lovely sudden swish-dance of falling leaves, wherever summer goes —

Autumn follows.

Billy doesn't go too far, not yet

Until the day when he finally has to.

..

Summer's waiting for Steve, at twilight, standing barefoot on the cold sand of the little river shore where they used to spend so much time together.

Steve's running late,

And summer is restless, slightly bitter.

It has to go, it doesn't have a say in it anymore.

When Billy steps into the calm chilly waters, there's a hand on his shoulder

"Did you really think I wouldn't come to say goodbye?"

A smile breaks on Billy's beautiful face, and the air itself starts singing

Oh, how it sings.

"I know you are busy, autumn."

"I am." The hand holds his shoulder firmer

"There are not enough raindrops to pour out my sadness at how much I will miss you."

Billy turns around, their eyes cross and

"I will be missing you as well." Comes as a whisper, as a sigh

Their hands touch and then part, and summer starts walking down the river, splashing its cold waters softly —

A lullaby,

As autumn watches it go, disappear around the curve, the current inevitably taking it away.

Like it does to all.

..

That night when Steve is only half asleep to the monotonous sounds of persistent drizzling rain, he sees Billy in his dreams, he dreams of those days they spent together, recalls their every meeting, every conversation.

He dreams of the way they leisurely strolled through vast fields and boundless pastures, holding hands.

The way they looked into each other's eyes, and there was no need for a single word. The way they greeted hazy dawns, casting spells on the eerie fogs, that slowly crawled out of damp, deep ravines,

And saw off colour-bursting sunsets, bringing coolness to the nights.

How they greeted the moon unhurriedly emerging from behind the outlines of the forest,

And watched the magically twinkling stars reflected in the dark depth of the quiet lake amidst the woods.

Utterly, bewitchedly lost

In love.

..

There's never enough of summer, and autumn knows it.

***

Do what you feel is right, and if nothing feels right, let go? .. You have a gift and the mere fact is amazing. You can't even imagine how many people you've made happy with your art, how far it goes. The gift might have gone silent for the time being, just like forces of nature do, only to be woken up again, when the time's right.

Thank you so much, always 💖

[codfanficedits]

One more mission.

CW: ANGST. A lot of angst </3 no proofreading because i cried while reading it

Fem!reader x Simon 'Ghost' Riley.

One more mission.

That is what Ghost and you had agreed on. Just one more mission until the two of you would go on a little getaway. A nice, well deserved vacation. Something to relax at after countless missions, countless late nights, countless piles of paperwork. To celebrate your relationship, the five beautiful years that had flown by, to celebrate his stubbornness, to celebrate your kind nature. The best place to celebrate how you had gotten to be his sunshine.

The memories of planning the trip are as warm as the blood that drips through your fingers as you hold your chest. A guttural scream from Ghost is heard from the battlefield. The man sprinted towards you, the thuds of his boots being deafening. He drags you to safety, hiding behind a slab of concrete. Ghost drops on his knees, his hand over yours, pressing on the wound on your chest.

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

“Don’t.”

“You are going to make it lovey, don’t worry.” You can tell that he wants to believe his own words, but you both know he’s lying. “I’m sorry.” You whisper once more, as your free hand reaches for your dog tags, taking them off and offering them to Ghost. “So you can keep me close to your heart.”

It was as if his soul came apart as he listened to your words. “No, no, no. Sweetheart. Don’t you say a word. I’m not losing you. You hear me? God damn it, I will tear this world apart for you.” His voice breaks into sobs when he speaks to you.

You had never seen Ghost crying, and all it took was for you to die.

The hand he has on yours tightens its grip on you, if God would’ve asked him what he wanted in exchange of his soul, it would’ve been you. More time with you. More cuddles with you, more kisses from you, more love making. More. More. More. But God had abandoned his best soldier in times of need.

Blood kept seeping through your fingers, it stained your hand, his hand, your uniform and his too. But Ghost didn’t mind, not at all. You had gotten dizzy from the amount of blood you had lost, a wave of nausea came over you. You were running out of time and the both of you knew it. “There is a picture book under my bed.” You say, a faint smile on your lips as you struggle to keep your eyes open. “I’ve captured our moments for the past five years. It was a gift for our vacation. But..” You don’t want to say the last part. If you don’t say it, it doesn’t have to feel real. “Look at it when you miss me.”

“Then it’s all I’ll ever see again.”

You want to tell him to move on after you, to continue with life, but the look in his eyes tells you enough. He always thought soulmates were stupid, after all, he loved you on purpose, but Ghost changed his mind, right there and then.

The skullmask gets lifted, the balaclava too, and his soft, warm lips pressed against your forehead.

“Let me see your face.” You murmur and he obeys.

It’s a sight that breaks your heart. A trembling lip, tear filled eyes and so much guilt on his face. “I can’t do this.” He whispers. “I can’t live when you’re gone.”

“But I won’t be gone.”

“What?”

“Look for me in the beauty of life, look for me in the sunrise, the moon, the stars. I’ll be the beauty of the auburn leaves in autumn, a soft breeze on a hot summer day. I’ll be with you through it all.”

His sobs are no longer silent, they’re raw, painful. His lips press kisses against your forehead, your nose, your cheeks, and finally your lips. As If he is trying to keep you alive through his love. And to be fair, if love would be enough to survive, you would’ve lived forever.

The both of you knew the risks of being in the military, but it never occurred to you that it would be the reason you would die, that it would be the reason you would never marry, grow old, get your own kids, or a few dogs for that matter. It was bittersweet. The army would cost you your life, but you had gained Ghost, you had gained Simon, and your life seemed like a fair price for the love he had given you.

You could feel that it was time, there was barely a pulse left. What you would’ve done for a little more time with him. “Flowers.” You whisper. “I want so much flowers on my funeral.”

“I’ll get you all the flowers I can find.” He answers with a choked voice.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

You can close your eyes after his words, you’re tired, and while your mind isn’t ready to go, your body can’t hold on much longer.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He holds you while your body goes limp. Holding your head against his chest as he cried, wailed and screamed as loud as he could, halfway through, he hoped you could hear him scream on your way to heaven, so you would turn around and come back to him.

One more mission. And the two of you would go on vacation. One more mission and Ghost would have some time off with the love of his life.

One more mission and you came home in a body bag instead of in his arms.

He kept his promise to you. Getting all the flowers the funeral home would allow him to and then a few extra he had snuck in through his suit. The two of you had jokingly discussed him wearing royal blue suit on your wedding day, and now he was wearing it to your funeral.

Ghost tried to speech on your funeral, he really did.

“I wish we had more time.” He started. “I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.”

His voice left him after those words, his eyes filling with hot tears as his vision got blurry. But they all understood. No one needed him to finish speaking to understand the love he had for you.

And so the hours after your passing turn into days, they turn into weeks. Ghost finally had the courage to look for the picture book you had described. The sight of all those pictures made him curl up into a ball and bawl his eyes out. He never knew you had taken so many pictures of him when he wasn’t looking, and he was thanking the Gods that he could see himself through your eyes.

The picture book is located in his bedroom, accompanied by a black, velvet box. An engagement ring that never made it to you.

One more mission, before he would propose to you.

The hours after your passing turn into days, they turn into weeks, into months.

And now Ghost can finally see your beauty in the world. You’re the soft blue sky filled with white clouds. You’re the eclipse he went to see with Soap. You’re all the flowers that bloom around him, the mushrooms he finds in autumn, the soft blanket of snow in winter. You’re it all and he is no longer afraid to open his heart for it.

The hours after your passing turn into days, they turn into weeks, into months, into years and Ghost opens the door to his balcony, watching over the sunrise you promised him you’d be.

“I miss you more than I remember you.”

[writingsforwhatever]

Part 1: Love letters to Matthew (m.s.)

summary: matt never felt the same way until he finally did.

warnings: very very slow burn. this is a long read, go get a snack! if you don't like reading, don't read it. ALSO, i have one shots based of this story. Their little moments leading up to the reader and matt confessing their feelings for each other. Let me know if you all are interested! enjoy my little bored mind.

A/N: Hi, before you continue reading this story, please be aware that I wrote this work of mine two years ago for my creative writing. It's my baby, and I hold it close to my heart. I lost inspiration for it a while back, but now I'm sharing it with the world. This is a long read because it's the entire story in two post. (Part 2 is posted). It's in no way connected or affiliated with Matt Sturniolo. I just made him the character because he fits the character's personality, and I needed to envision someone while I continued writing it, so I thought, why not?

word count: 27,231k

"If I could choose to live anywhere in the world, I would still choose to live here," she remarked, passing the bowl of Cheetos to Matt. "I mean, I could also pick a place in Sweden, somewhere in Northern Europe, but who could leave Massachusetts?"

Matt, sprawled out on the couch with the TV playing in the background, shrugged. "You could," he replied, smiling down at her. "Come on, don't be so negative. You can't possibly stay here forever."

"Why not? What's wrong with here?" She asked, standing up. She was now facing Matt, and a change of heart suddenly took hold. "I mean, I guess you're right." She flopped down next to him once more, sighing. "Do you think we'll ever fulfill our dreams and go to Europe together?"

"Of course, you idiot. We will, don't worry about it too much," he reassured her, glancing at her. It was the 19th day of December, a snowy day in the Bay State, and excitement was in the air. Airports were busier than usual, which meant one thing: Christmas was just around the corner.

September 2023

"Damn it," she cursed as she unpacked her suitcase. It was September, with summer in the process of ending and fall about to arrive. She couldn't believe her parents had thrown a "party" to welcome her back from her two-month long vacation. Before leaving, she had made it crystal clear that she didn't want any crazy shit, but it turned out that Luke had talked to her parents behind her back while she was spending time with him abroad. She glanced at the poster on her wall once again and whispered with a smile, "That idiot."

Luke.

The boy with light brown eyes reminiscent of autumn leaves, the one who swam throughout college, briefly dropped out, and then returned to college. He was the boy she met at Samantha's birthday party, the one her little cousin had a crush on - Luke.

"I'm so sorry," she apologized frantically, searching for the green tissue pack in her little bag while setting the glass of beer on a nearby table. Her white shirt was now stained with liquor, which was just great. The embarrassment of the situation was overwhelming, leaving her unable to think straight.

"No worries," Luke chuckled, clearly taken aback by the unexpected encounter. "I should've been more careful."

She handed him the tissues, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "That was so embarrassing. I'm truly sorry," she said with a sheepish smile.

"Don't worry about it. It’ll dry," he replied with a reassuring smile.

In that moment, she wished she could vanish into the ground, hoping some higher being might intervene and make it happen right there and right then.

"I’m going to miss you so much," Luke sighed, embracing her from behind.

She turned to face him, her expression softening. "Me too, but we'll see each other again on Christmas, okay?"

"That's a long time. I'll really really miss you," he admitted with a sad smile.

"Oh, shut up. You're probably tired of seeing my face every day," she giggled while still unpacking her suitcase.

"I could never. I love you too much." He chuckled, shaking his head.

"That's a nice touch," she pointed at her wall, changing the subject.

"You like it? Your mom helped me," he replied, smiling at her.

"Ya’ll are so dramatic," she chuckled.

Welcome back! – Haley, Mom, & Dad

After that fateful night in March when she met Luke, she had slowly stopped composing letters to Matthew altogether. The dynamics of her relationships with him had shifted, leaving behind a stack of handwritten words that now belonged to the past.

Matt.

Matt, with eyes as blue as a warm sunny day's sky, was someone she could lose herself in. He was the boy she loved so deeply that if her heart were torn from her chest, his name would be etched there. Matthew, the only one she had ever loved before Luke.

During the summer of ’20, she came to the realization that she had developed a crush on her best friend. On the night he drove her home, she silently prayed for God to make her feelings for him disappear. It seemed absurd; this was Matt, her very own Matt, her dearest friend in the world, and she was in love with him.

As they both grew older, she began to perceive him in a new way. He underwent changes; growing out his hair became something she loved. His height increased too. Whenever she sees him, a permanent smile adorned his face, and she found herself deeply and irrevocably in love with him. Everything he did captivated her, particularly the moment he slept on her shoulder in the car. It was ridiculous how loudly her heart throbbed at that time.

"Do you think they'll mind if it's just the two of us, Matt?" she asked, settling into the passenger seat.

"Why? We've done this plenty of times before; they'll be okay," he reassured her, quieting her with a gentle shush as he started the car.

On the day they left for LA, tears streamed down her face, staining Nick's shirt. "We'll be back for Thanksgiving, you goof," he reassured her.

No matter if it was for Christmas or her birthday, she didn’t care but the fact that her best friends were leaving at that moment weighed heavily on her. "You’re moving to the other side of the country, and I’m heading to college," she sniffled, the airport surroundings continued to add to her gloom.

Chris, empathetic, offered her a comforting a hug. "The other side of the country is crazy,” he said. "You can visit us, you know."

Her response came with a hint of frustration, "I'll be in college, Chris."

With a warm smile, Chris reassured her, “You can visit us during breaks. We're just one flight away."

She gazed at Matt, noticing his pink cheeks. "Everything's going to be okay. We'll see each other again in no time," he smiled sadly at her. She wanted to believe Matt wholeheartedly, as she always did, but deep down, she knew that things would never be the same.

August 23, 2021

Dear Matt, I miss you all so much. Mom and Dad just dropped me off at college, and my roommate, Samantha seems nice. She's from San Diego. You don't think my Boston accent is interesting, do you? She keeps saying it is, but I don't think so. I hope you're having a blast over there. I know you are. I really wish you were here. I miss you the most. Massachusetts sucks without you guys.

September 15, 2021

Dear Matthew,

I already miss you. It's funny; we just spoke on the phone, and here I am writing you a letter already. You sounded really happy, which makes me happy too. By the way, I just realized I brought Nick's shirt with me and your white hoodie too!! I didn't mention it earlier because I thought you might want them back. Haha.

Anyway, I can't wait for Fall; maybe we can visit a pumpkin patch. I know how much you love those. I'm looking forward to seeing you and everyone. Homesickness is setting in, and I miss home, especially you. I miss you the most.

P.S. Samantha thinks Nate is cute, but I don't think she’s his type.

The days went by, and she found herself missing him even more. The calls and texts lessened, she became busier, and Matt was texting her when she was at class and would reply to her when she was face down on the bed, asleep.

She struggled to admit it, but the Instagram posts featuring their new friends tugged at her heartstrings with a sense of longing. She couldn’t shake the feeling of being left out, as if life was in full swing without her presence, playing out somewhere in Southern California with her friends and the love of her life, while she sat alone at UMass, eating a sandwich in the cafeteria. She yearned to turn back time to those carefree 9th-grade days, where she’d laugh at Chris’s antics in class or when Matt and Nick would whisk her away for impromptu beach adventures.

September 28, 2021

Dear Matt,

I saw a guy today who I thought looked just like you in an ice cream shop while I was out with my friend. I think I might be losing my mind. College is going pretty well so far. Alahna sent me a snap from early 2021 last night, and it was of you getting annoyed at Nick because he had the megaphone while we were in the drive-thru. It was so funny. I thought you looked great that night, but then again, when did you ever not? Congratulations on hitting 4 million!

Oh, and does Chris have a crush on Natalie? Never mind, I'll ask him about it later. I miss you guys so much.

Years had passed since she last laid eyes on the photos that adorned the walls of her childhood bedroom. The pink and white paint of the room served as a poignant reminder of the unrequited love that had once consumed her heart.

The photos of her, Matt, and their friends playing in the snow, or the selfies Nick snapped during sleepovers when Chris and Matt would crash on the floor of Nick's room - memories she cherished dearly. The thought of past Thanksgiving gatherings tugged at her heartstrings, recalling how he'd tower over her at the table, his tender touches igniting a warmth in her skin. She loved Matt deeply, more than words could express.

October 11, 2021

Dear Matt,

I got my hair cut today. It felt weird. I was going to take a selfie to send it to you, but I got shy. I hope you're doing well over there. I heard you guys went to a party; Nick won't stop talking about it, lol.

I can't believe it's been months since I last saw you in person, even though I saw you the other day through a video call, it's just not the same... Time is flying by.

Also, Chloe just passed her driving lessons. I wish you guys were here to see it. I know she texted Nick about it, but still, I miss you, Matthew. Anyway, I'll text you later. I have this professor who's very old, and he hates late students.

She did see them on Thanksgiving, and she couldn't forget how Matt looked. Those moments made her question how she could go on with her life, knowing he was completely oblivious to her deep feelings for him. She hated herself for falling in love with him. It was a realization that left her feeling stupid.

November 30, 2021

Dear Matthew,

You looked absolutely handsome at dinner last week. I couldn't help but wonder how LA gets to see you like that every day without turning the whole state upside down. You mentioned missing me, but I'm pretty sure I missed you even more. It's odd that Mom keeps talking about how much taller you've grown, because she should have expected that. Yesterday, when you brought up about meeting a girl, my heart sank. I believe you genuinely like her. I didn't want to ask more because I didn't want to be too obvious, but I think Chris saw my smile disappear. He was kind enough not to ask about it though so it’s all good.

Why do I still miss you even when you're sleeping right beside me on the couch? It's as if you're so far away.

It was early August 2022 when she paid them a visit in California for their birthday. She could recall every detail – the weather, the ride from the airport, and the woman in his arms.

She had faced numerous challenges before, like the time she had to carry Samantha, who was far too drunk for her own good, or when Chris begged her to retrieve his backpack in subzero temperatures. However, this situation felt entirely different. As the doors swung open, she yearned to be anywhere but there – perhaps back in her small dorm room in Boston.

From within, she could hear the voices and music, the uproar of celebration and delight. Outside, the soft hum of Los Angeles traffic persisted as cars rushed by. Yet, above all else, she swore she could hear the unrelenting rhythm of her own heartbeat, as if it were the only thing keeping her grounded in that moment.

The woman was already there, wearing a warm smile, eagerly awaiting her boyfriend Matt's arrival. She couldn't help but admire Matt's taste, as in that moment, she found the woman to be stunning. With her dark blonde hair, brown eyes, and a height of 5'3, she gave off an endearing aura that she effortlessly carried with her. The woman greeted everyone with an open-hearted smile, embracing her as if they were long-lost friends reuniting after a decade apart.

"Hi! It's so great to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you," the woman's voice was flawless, yet there was a hollow feeling within her. She genuinely liked the woman and had an inkling that she would become a significant presence in their lives for quite some time to come.

Her gaze fixed on Matt, a mixture of confusion and hurt in her eyes. How was it possible that he hadn't disclosed that he had a girlfriend? Those nights when he would call her, those were the very nights she longed to be in his arms, not realizing they had already been spent with someone else.

That night was etched in her memory, a vivid recollection of the moment she had realized it was impossible for her to remain friends with him. She couldn't maintain their friendship, not while she was overwhelmed with sadness while he was immersed in happiness.

December 6, 2021

Dear Matt,

Today, I spent the day baking cookies with Haley but the real takeaway is being back in Boston and just one car ride away from you.

Weird, Nick brought up the name of the girl you're talking to, and it took me by surprise a little because you never mentioned her to me. I could sense Chris was giving me the stare, like he knows something, but that's just Chris, right?

It was a scene she had seen countless times before, both in movies and in real life – the clichéd tale of falling in love with your best friend and the inevitable heartbreak that followed.

There he sat, a picture of handsomeness in the midst of the kitchen, so immersed in what he's doing that he only noticed her staring when he looked up and playfully asked, "Any boys I should know about?" She chuckled, finding Matt's question entirely characteristic of his random sense of humor.

"No one, Matt," she replied, rolling her eyes with a smile. Inside, she thought, "It's only you. It was only ever you."

"I find that hard to believe," he said, casting a shy glance her way, his smile never wavering.

She pressed, "And why is that?"

"Because you're..." he started, his voice trailing off, leaving the unspoken feelings hanging in the air between them.

"…because you're amazing. You're good at baking cookies and-"

"Please, shut the fuck up, Matthew," she blushed, looking away.

"It's true! Ask Chris. He thinks you have a college boyfriend you’re not telling us about," he defended himself.

"Well, Chris is stupid," a small frown appeared on her face.

"Hey, I heard that!" She looked toward the boy sitting on the couch in the living room. "Shut up, Chris, Nick is sleeping."

She was standing over the kitchen counter, finishing the gifts she had prepared for her cousins and parents. She rolled her eyes, feeling a bit exasperated. "You're all so dramatic; I'm trying to do something here, fucks sake.”

"Let me help you with that. I'm almost done with this," Matt offered, standing beside her. His proximity alone nearly sent her into a frenzy.

He was incredibly touchy with her, and it only added to the intimacy of their connection. His frequent and intimate touches with her left her in a state of confusion. She couldn’t help but wonder if it was normal for best friends to share such physically intimate moments like this.

"You're terrible at this," he chuckled.

"Whatever Matt," she grumbled, continuing to tape the wrapper.

He leaned even closer, almost putting his entire weight on her. "Matt, you’re so annoying! Get off me," she exclaimed.

Years later, she learned that Chris had glanced at them, shaking his head in bemusement, and thinking about how oblivious his brother Matt was to her feelings. Chris couldn’t help but realize how deeply in love she was with his brother, even if she had never voiced it. She didn’t need to, Chris thought.

August 2022

She felt stuck in place. In that moment, she felt like time had frozen. Her feet glued to the ground.

The realization hit her like a ton of bricks - he had a girlfriend, all this time, and no one had told her. It was a profound sense of betrayal and feeling forgotten, it didn't matter that their relationship is just starting, she had loved Matt for years!

It was as if she wasn't worthy of knowing this crucial piece of information about the person she had secretly loved for so long, even though he didn't know he was the love of her life. The waves of emotion threatened to make her sick, but she managed to maintain her composure.

Chris remained by her side throughout the entire party, his friendly nudges and conversation attempts providing a comforting presence. "You know, I still can't believe you're here," he remarked, genuine surprise in his voice. "It's only been a couple of months, right?"

"Only a couple of months, Chris," she confirmed, her gaze fixed on her drink.

"I missed you so much. We all did. It felt like forever since the last time I saw you," Chris continued, offering a playful smile.

She managed a smile in response, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. She kept her thoughts to herself, silently yearning for the familiar comforts of Boston, even though it no longer felt like home. In truth, nothing felt like home as long as Matt was in the arms of another. Chris could see through her facade. He understood the reason behind her dull mood, realizing it was linked to the presence of two specific individuals in the room. However, he respected her feelings enough not to confront her about it here and now, choosing to let her navigate her emotions in her own time

The days seemed to stretch on, with summer taking hold. Matt's girlfriend had flown back home to Florida, they were back to their old routine, but her heart couldn’t forget the feelings she had buried deep within.

They drove her to their favorite restaurants and shops in L.A., but the nagging ache in her heart persisted. With her pretending to enjoy the days while ignoring the sinking feeling that gnawed at her treacherous heart, she tried to be as cheerful as possible before her return to the East Coast.

Until one particular car ride with Nick and Chris temporarily absent and inside Ralph's, she couldn't keep her feelings bottled up any longer and decided to have a heart-to-heart with Matt. It was a brief respite from the facade of happiness she had been trying to maintain.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It all happened so fast," he said, his eyes pleading for her to meet his gaze.

She cut him off, "It doesn't matter, Matt. I guess I just felt really sad that you didn't tell me. I'm your best friend, for heaven's sake." She fought back the urge to cry, keeping her emotions expertly concealed.

"I'm sorry, okay? It all happened in a whirlwind, and suddenly, you were on a flight from Boston to L.A.…," he trailed off. "Plus, I wanted it to be a surprise." He sheepishly smiled.

"God, Matt," she whispered, genuinely taken aback by the revelation.

She continued, "It's okay, it's all in the past now. I was surprised, no doubt."

She smiled, rolled her eyes, and forced a lighter tone into her voice. "So, tell me about her. Where did you guys meet?"

He chuckled, sensing that things were somewhat getting back to normal, but it was never quite the same, she thought to herself.

The night before she left for Boston, they drove and explored the city once more, just the two of them. Chris seemed too tired to join, and Nick had editing work to do.

"I wanted to take you here. It's one of the best viewpoints in L.A.," Matt explained, his excitement palpable.

"What, Griffith Park?" she replied, laughing. "You mean the spot from GTA, right?"

"Yeah, exactly. We used to play that game, remember?" he smiled down at her, feeling nostalgic.

How could she forget?

After several minutes of driving, Matt parked the car, and a heavy silence hung between them, no one seemingly wanted to step out. "Thanks for spending your summer here. It means a lot... That you're here," he expressed, looking at her with his blue eyes that shone through the Los Angeles darkness, seemingly even brighter than the city lights.

"Of course, anything for you guys," she replied, breaking their eye contact, and shifting her gaze to the dashboard in front of her. How could he do this to her? How could he not know? She wished she could freeze this moment in time, his face looking so soft in the gentle glow of the traffic lights. His tired eyes and tousled hair that had always made her heart leap and now, she felt like she could cry right there; she loved him so much and he didn’t know. She also wished she could tuck this memory away in the pockets of her thrifted yellow dress.

Tonight felt different, marking the end of summer, and they were both a year older. They weren't 19 anymore, and yet, she remained deeply in love with him.

~

Nicolas Sturniolo was a smart man, and his brothers secretly admired him for it, even if they would never openly admit it. Of course, he noticed the lingering glances she directed at Matt but never said anything. Nick believed that Matt had informed her about his girlfriend months before she arrived in LA but was shocked upon learning that his brother didn't. That explained the sudden change of mood he'd seen with her at the party.

The older brother had always had an inkling about it since they were young, ever since Matt hadn't asked her to prom. He remembered how she had waited for Matt to notice her new hairstyle, and when Matt already did compliment her, Nick swore he saw her smile so big it could light up the entire school that day. Nick thought his brother Chris was dense, but Matt was on a different level.

He had brought up the subject with Matt once, while they were in line at TSA, just before a flight to California, a mere 7-hour journey away. "You do realize she's in love with you, right?"

"What?" Matt's brows furrowed; genuine confusion etched on his face.

"Come on, Matt. We all know she's had a crush on you since high school," Nick exclaimed, adjusting his backpack.

"That's not true, Nick," Matt responded, shaking his head in disbelief. He found the idea ridiculous.

"Whatever, Matt. You guys are both stupid. I see the way you look at her, and I see how she looks at you. What's holding you back?" Nick shrugged.

"Because we're just friends, Nick? Can't two people of the opposite sex be friends?" Matt retorted, feeling exasperated.

"Okay, Matt, we get it," Chris chimed in, adding his two cents. "We're just telling you what we see."

As Nick appeared impatient and tired of the conversation, and Chris pretending to not care, Matt pushed the thought to the back of his mind.

December 18, 2021

The sight of you on my porch brought me immense happiness. Dad was yelling, which woke me up, and he said you guys were at the front door. Honestly, that pie was incredible; I couldn't believe you three made it.

I wanted to thank you for joining me today. I understand you're not a fan of walking in the snow, but I loved every moment of it.

Christmas is just around the corner, and it's only a matter of days now.

I often wonder if you notice how frequently I steal glances at you whenever I have the chance.

As I sit here writing this, I’m looking at the Christmas gift I got you. It's a necklace. It might seem cliché, but I genuinely hope it brings a smile to your face whenever you see it.

~

She held onto the memory of that day, those tense days after learning he had a girlfriend and before the car confrontation.

"Are you planning to sleep on the couch?" Matt asked.

"I am," she stubbornly insisted.

"Come on, you're our guest; you can sleep in my bed," Chris mumbled with a mouthful of chips.

"And have you sleep here on the couch? No way, Chris," she replied firmly.

Nick chuckled, watching Matt's obliviousness. How could his brother not realize that she was upset with him?

"Alright, then we'll both sleep in my bed," Chris suggested, glancing at Matt for his reaction.

Matt was puzzled. They always shared his bed, so what was the issue now?

Snatching the blanket Nick had given her, she hurried downstairs to reach Chris's room.

Matt's jaw hung open. "What did I do?" he mumbled, frowning at his brothers.

Nick shook his head, grinning. "I'm off to bed. Matt, quit being stupid."

"What?" Matt looked to Chris for answers. Chris shrugged, "I guess she just wanted to sleep in my bed tonight, Matt."

"But-"

"Goodnight, Maaaatt," Chris sang, leaving Matt bewildered and hurt.

"But she always sleeps with me," he whispered to himself, still trying to make sense of the unexpected change.

Lying in Chris's bed that night, she silently yearned for divine intervention. Avoiding eye contact with Matt as she passed by him on her way downstairs, she couldn't ignore the confusion and hurt etched across his face. Deep down, she desperately wanted to pull him into a hug and tell him that things were alright.

It was unusual for her to sleep in Chris's bed, given that she always slept in Matt's, so the sudden change had caught Matt off guard. She was aware of it, but at that moment, her anger towards him outweighed her care.

Earlier that day, Madi had teased her about her apparent coldness toward Matt when they were getting tacos in Melrose. It seemed that everyone had noticed her subtle avoidance of his touches and comments, leading to hushed discussions among their friends.

She was also certain that Chris was a light sleeper. He didn't snore, but he definitely woke easily.

"Couldn't sleep?" Chris whispered, turning to face her.

"Yeah, too much on my mind," she replied, exhaling wearily.

The stillness of the night, combined with their exhaustion, allowed for a comforting silence to settle between them. A beat passed, "Why don't you just tell him?" Chris suggested, his voice barely audible. She couldn't see her best friend, but she sensed the sadness in his gaze.

"Tell him what, Chris?" she deflected, shutting her eyes.

"You're not fooling anyone, you know? You might fool my stupid brother but you can’t fool me and Nick," he remarked, adjusting himself under the covers.

Silence descended once more, but this time, it felt oddly reassuring knowing that one of her closest friends was aware.

"It doesn't matter. He would shut me out."

"No, he won't. He genuinely cares about you, and you know it," Chris assured her. While Chris might not be privy to his brother Matt's true feelings, whether he reciprocated them or not, one thing was certain: Matt cared deeply for her, more than she could ever comprehend.

"It's also different now that he has a girlfriend. I don't think she'd appreciate me sharing a bed with her boyfriend. It's more about respect," she added.

Chris disregarded her attempt to change the subject and pressed on, "Matt loves you, bro. If he ever shuts you out for telling him how you feel, then he's an idiot. You have me and Nick by your side forever. If you never tell him, you'll never get the chance to express your feelings."

“You guys should talk.” He added.

"I don't think I'm ready, but I'll think about it," she replied, her exhaustion evident in her voice.

Chris nodded, even though she couldn't see him. He understood the weight of the emotions she was carrying.

"Of course, at your own pace."

"Chris?"

"Hm?"

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, kid."

In the quiet of that night, as dreams and sleep intertwined, she found solace in the knowledge that Chris, her closest friend, understood the depths of her emotions. It was a small source of comfort amid the uncertainty that had clouded her heart.

As they both drifted into slumber, she imagined a future where everything would fall into place, where she could openly express her feelings to the boy upstairs. In the warm embrace of their Los Angeles home, she held onto the hope that the friendship that she shared with Matt would weather these feelings she has for him.

January 10, 2022

Dear Matt,

I have to say, you can be pretty stubborn. I warned you not to visit me and bring me food because I’d probably end up puking it all out (eww), and now you’ve gone and caught the cold too. Now everyone’s infected!

 But you know what? You bringing me food made my heart leap, I’m pretty sure you know how to make me fall in love with you even more. Nick texted me earlier that he and Chris have lost their sense of taste because of Covid, but you seem to be fine already so you’re making them try different drinks.

I’m feeling a lot better now and I’ve tested negative for Covid, thankfully. Still, I’m dreading the day I go back to school. Ugh.

Alahna mentioned about wanting to visit you guys, but I know deep down she just wanted to see Chris. Haha.

Just so you know Matt, I love you. I think you probably know that already, but I wanted to say it anyway here.

She was certain that Matthew Sturniolo was going to be the death of her. The mischievous boy had cornered her against the kitchen counter, removing the chocolate residue that Nick had playfully smeared across her forehead. It was a sticky, gross mess, but Matt was attentively cleaning it up with a wet face towel. And there he stood, in all his splendid glory – tall and handsome. Nick and Chris's laughter in the background only intensified the fluttering of her heart.

"There, all gone," he confirmed, a warm smile gracing his features, the kind of smile that always had the power to weaken her knees.

"You're such an idiot, Nick," she scowled, avoiding Matt as she walked toward the center of the room.

"What? It kinda suits you," Nick replied, and the hearty laughter of Chris and Matt filled the room.

She flashed a playful smile. "Whatever. Are you guys ready to go?" she asked, her impatience showing.

The car ride proceeded as usual, with Matt behind the wheel and Chris in the passenger seat, en route to Chloe's house for a swim and to meet their other friends. The broken AUX meant the soft tunes of the radio filled the air, harmonizing with the breezy Boston weather.

"Matt, if you don't put me down, I'll kill you!" she screamed.

"Come on, it's not that serious," he laughed, making his way towards the pool.

"I don't care! Seriously, Matt, don't do thi-" But before she could finish her sentence, she found herself submerged in the pool.

"You're such an asshole," she grumbled, retaliating by splashing water at him. He chuckled and swam away.

A few feet away, Chris was engrossed in conversation with Nate about an Amazon package he had ordered, while Nick sat nearby, casually nodding and occasionally chiming in.

When she turned her attention back to Matt, he quickly splashed water on her face again. "Stop it. I mean it," her voice carried a trace of laughter.

"Okay, okay." Matt gazed at her for a moment, his smile fading.

"What?" she grumbled, feeling a twinge of self-consciousness under his gaze.

"Nothing. You're just really pretty," he said.

Moments like this only added to her confusion about where she stood in his life. Her heart skipped a beat, and she was momentarily taken aback, but she was swift to respond and hide her feelings. "Yeah, pretty annoyed at you," she said, pinching her nose to hide the forming blush.

Matt shook his head, a warm chuckle escaping his lips. He decided not to delve further into the matter. Why was he acting like this?

They lingered at the pool for a few more minutes. Matt's intimate touches making her melt, and his constant glances at her lips only added to the simmering heat of the Massachusetts summer.

The ride back home was interesting, she couldn't ignore the flutter of anticipation mixed with uncertainty that had settled in her heart. The day had been filled with subtle gestures and flirty remarks, leaving her wondering if their friendship was tiptoeing towards something more.

That night, when everyone had returned to the boys' home and a drowsy Matt lay beside her, she allowed herself to sleep soundly, knowing that something was undeniably changing between them.

February 3, 2022

Dear Matt,

I watched with Sam your new video. Chris mentioned about a little dinner you guys will have later, I’m so sad. I wish I was there. Anyway, Nick is Sam’s favorite. I couldn’t help but agree. Haha.

I know you’re busy with like stuff there and me too. My professors are killing me with these projects and assignments, also, I learned matcha helps with anxiety. I’ll have you taste it next time we see each other.

Also, you keep asking me why I’m sad, I didn’t think you would notice. How do I tell you, Matt, that the reason I’m sad is because I love you?

March 14, 2022

It has been so busy lately, oh my god. I lost my trusty pen because we moved dorms, but it’s all good now. I got so much work to do with finals coming up as well.

Anyway, I saw your tiktok with Nick today. You looked really cute with the Eeyore shirt, and I’m glad you’re still wearing that necklace I gave you last Christmas.

I miss you Matt. I’ll text you later when I’m done with class.

The car ride to IHOP proved to be quite intriguing, to say the least. Chris had evidently concocted a few surprises before their departure to California and before Spring break came to an end, forcing her to return to Morrissey Blvd.

Matt seemed unusually cheerful that day, expressing his desire to take her out, as well as everyone back home, for a little treat.

In that moment, it almost felt like things were back to the way they used to be. She occupied the passenger seat, engaged in a playful argument with Chris over control of the aux cord. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of Matt, his amusement evident as he fought the urge to break into a broad smile.

As Nick and Chris hurried to enter the house after Matt had parked the car at their Somerville home, he prevented her from getting out. Matt fixed his gaze on her, a gentle smile dancing across his face, as he softly uttered, "I really missed you."

There he was again, stirring emotions within her, clouding her thoughts. "Me too," she responded shyly.

"Truth is, I wanted to spend the day with you, alone," he admitted, rolling his eyes playfully. "But I couldn't say no to them."

"That's okay."

A brief silence settled between them.

"What's on your mind, Matt?" She furrowed her brow, sensing that he had something he wanted to say something.

"Nothing. I'm just happy I'm home..." He trailed off, his voice carrying a hint of longing. "Seeing you, being here... with you."

Inside, she silently pleaded with him, "Don't do this to me, Matt. Don't say these things and expect me not to fall in love with you."

"Why? Has LA not been treating you well?" She pressed.

"No, no, LA's great," he replied, offering a smile before shifting his gaze towards their small garage at home.

"What is it?" she whispered softly, just loud enough for him to hear.

"I really don't know," he confessed.

Meeting his gaze once more, she couldn't help but smile. "Okay, then tell me once you've figured it out." She chose to lighten the mood, knowing that he was dangerously close to unraveling her with those looks he kept giving her.

April 8, 2022

Dear Matt,

Today you asked me what I want.

to be with you, that’s all I want.

September 2023

When Luke left for the San Diego, she looked around her room.

She gazed at the framed photo that hung beside her closet. In the picture, she and Matt were watching a movie, and slowly, they had leaned on each other. As they grew more comfortable, she had briefly considered adjusting her posture, but she couldn’t resist a sleepy Matt. The next thing she knew, his arms were wrapped around her, and they were nestled together, fast asleep. Neither of them had acknowledged it, but Nick had managed to sneakily capture a photo of them when he woke up at 4 a.m. to turn off the living room lights.

A bittersweet feeling loomed over her. She remembered the day all too well. With his mom waking them up for waffles and before things took a turn for the worst.

May 13, 2022

Hi Matt,

Only a few more months till I visit you guys in L.A. I’m kind of nervous but Chris assured me that everything would be fine.

I’m also excited to meet Madi, Nick said she’s nice, so I feel like we’ll get a long pretty well.

Everyone around them can see how much they love each other, from her mom and his mom to her dad, her sister, and even the entire Sturniolo family, including their grandmother. But a silent understanding prevailed; no one uttered a word about it. Perhaps they were all waiting for the day when Matt and her would finally act on their feelings. That's why when Luke entered the picture, it took everyone by surprise. Her mom, Elizabeth would drop hints about Matt’s brothers, mentioning that she saw their mom at the grocery store, and asks about Justin's new girlfriend, in which were all met with her silent nods. From behind her, her parents shared a knowing look.

Luke was the safe choice. He didn't make her feel like she had to beg for his love. He was dependable, polite to her parents, adored by her cousins, and fulfilled all the checkboxes of what she needed. He was unafraid of public displays of affection, and constantly tells that he loves her. Luke wasn't bothered by the story of her intimate friendship with Matt; he remained indifferent.

As time passed, the difference between Matt and Luke became more apparent. Luke, with his warmth and openness, brought stability and security to her life. Their relationship flowed smoothly, and the world seemed to accept them as a couple without question.

Yet, the blue-eyed boy who had once held her heart had an uncanny ability to infiltrate her thoughts. No matter how much she had tried to move on and embrace this new love, Matt remained an enigma. He was the unspoken part in her life, a book she couldn't close. She always wondered if he ever thought about her as she did about him.

It had been a few months since she had made the choice to be with Luke, months of happiness and contentment. But the heart has a way of keeping secrets, and hers held a special place for the blue-eyed boy in Los Angeles.

June 9, 2022

Dear Matt, two more months! God, I’m so over these classes, I swear. Samantha got really drunk two nights ago, it was so funny. I should’ve taken a video but whatever. Mom called me earlier today asking for my flight details, I guess she’s as excited as me.

July 16, 2022

Summer is finally here! I mean, it's been here for a while, but I'm looking forward to seeing all of you for your birthday next month. You better bring me to the thrift shops Nick was talking about the other day in the call.

August 17, 2022

I still can't quite believe you never told me about her. So, she was the girl Nick mentioned the last time you guys went home.

I couldn't help but notice the way you looked at me, and how I instinctively recoiled when she introduced herself. How did I not know? And why does she seem to know so much about me when I didn't even know her name?

Chris tried to console me that night, and I appreciated it. I also noticed how Nick was glancing at me, likely gauging my reaction to it all.

Matt, you don’t know what I’d give to stop being in love with you.

As the months passed, the girlfriend revelation of Matt was soon forgotten. She became increasingly immersed in college life. While Matt would text her from time to time and they would occasionally have video calls with Nick, she learned to accept the way things were. She had to make a conscious effort to push aside the memory of that night in Griffith Park when they had laughed and hugged, with her secretly gazing at his face and him giving her that look she adored. She came to the realization that if this was how things were going to be, she would be happy for him, even if it meant breaking her own heart. She contemplated Chris's words, but they didn't matter; what mattered was that Matthew was happy, and that's all she cared about. It seemed like everyone had forgotten about it too.

Matt was a private person, subtly posting little reminders of his girlfriend, but it didn't escape her notice how much it hurt her heart.

The longer she suppresses her emotions, the easier it seems, she believes. Suddenly, seven months have passed since that fateful night in LA, and March ‘23 is approaching steadily. Deep down, she's aware that she hasn't been honest with herself throughout this entire period, but she resigns herself to the reality of the situation. It is what it is, and she's compelled to carry on, masking her true feelings.

September 20, 2022

Dear Matt,

It's been a month since that night in LA, and Chris has never brought up our conversation again. I trust him. Life has felt quite mundane lately. I still have my moments, but I'm doing okay. I'm trying my best not to dwell on it too much. I suppose I felt betrayed, you know?

Yesterday, Chloe and Alahna came to visit, and we ate burgers. When I finally admitted my feelings to Alahna, I broke down. She told me she had always known I was in love with you, and with Chloe agreeing, both of them sharing the same sentiments, it left me wondering just how oblivious you can be.

October 5, 2022

Dear Matt,

I don’t know why you look at me that way, as though you could genuinely love me, even though deep down, I know you don't, and I know you won't.

Nick mentioned your plans for a trip to Florida to visit her. I tried to convince myself that it wouldn't hurt, but my own curiosity led me to check her Instagram. It was a mistake. I stumbled upon a photo of you two kissing on the beach, and I felt like such a fool for thinking this was something I could handle. I ended up in tears, obviously, poured my heart out to Samantha. I desperately wanted to forget, to stop these feelings.

I truly did try not to love you.

I really did.

November 3, 2022

"You know I hate these types of parties," she grumbled. "Do I even look good?"

"Girl, please, you look good every day," Madi assured her.

The night was still young, and everyone was on their way to this party the boys had been invited to. Chris was practically bouncing in the front of the car, and Matt, always effortlessly handsome, drove with calm and cool confidence.

Nick tried to comfort her. "You'll be fine. They're actually nice."

But she tuned out Nick's words as they entered the venue. The booming music only heightened her nervousness amid the lively crowd.

When Nick, Madi, and Chris entered the party, she found herself walking closely beside Matt. He was well aware of her uneasiness at these kinds of gatherings. With a gentle touch on her lower back, Matt guided her towards a group of people. Leaning in, he whispered into her ear, his face mere inches from hers, and for a moment, it felt like they were the only two people in the entire party. "You look really good tonight. Don't worry too much. I'm here."

A thought crossed her mind – he's such a flirt without even realizing it.

Under the party's red lights, his lips looked incredibly inviting. If only he didn't have a girlfriend living across the country, she might have kissed him. Of course, that's only if he wanted to kiss her too.

She sighed, as the party continued to buzz around them and the night progressed, surprisingly, she found herself genuinely enjoying the evening, engaging in conversations with Madi. However, she couldn't help but notice that Matt kept stealing glances at her. Fueled by newfound confidence, she walked up to him. "Hey, stranger," he greeted her with a smile, her savoring the sight of that familiar grin.

She could feel his warmth. "Shut up, Matthew. I'm so hot right now; you guys weren't kidding about Los Angeles being intense."

"You are hot, sweetheart."

"Yeah, this leather jacket Madi lent me—"

"No, I don't mean your outfit."

Before she knew it, their faces were inches apart, his eyes locked onto her lips. This was it, she thought. He was going to kiss her. After all those years of pining for him, the past didn't matter anymore. What mattered was now.

He was driving her crazy. And then it happened – he kissed her, and the world stopped. Their lips met in a passionate, consuming kiss. Sure, she had kissed boys in high school, but this was different. This was Matt. She could feel his hands on her neck and waist, his lips following hers when she needed to breathe. This was how it was supposed to be, she thought, her lips on Matt's. Her best friend, the boy she had loved since they were 18, kissing her beneath the Los Angeles night sky. As their lips remained locked in a passionate kiss, she felt an electric charge surge through her. All the inhibitions, the uncertainties, and the fear of what might follow were momentarily forgotten. All that mattered in that heart-pounding moment was the taste of Matthew Sturniolo on her lips, a forbidden but intoxicating sensation she had yearned for since they were teenagers.

“Five years of friendship flushed down the drain just so I could know what Matthew Sturniolo tastes like.” (Ifykyk. This is one of my favorite lines from a book!!)

When their lips brushed again, a soft moan threatened to escape her swollen lips, and her head began to swim with desire.

"Oh my god," she muttered senselessly, her mouth still locked with Matt's.

His touches ignited a fire within her, the heat of his mouth overwhelming her senses.

"Fuck," he breathed, pulling away from her and running his hands through his unruly hair. "Fuck, I shouldn't have done that."

Her stomach sank as embarrassment washed over her. She didn't speak for a moment, still reeling from the intensity of the kiss. "I'm sorry."

"No, I—" He choked on his words. Horror painted his expression as he struggled to make eye contact with her. "I shouldn't be kissing you."

His internal conflict was palpable, and the emotions on his face left her feeling utterly perplexed. They were both breathless, caught in a state of shock. She was about to cry when Chris walked in with a cup full of soda.

"Are you guys ready to go? Nick's about to beat a bitch up-" Chris asked laughing, seemingly oblivious to what had just transpired. "What happened, Matt?"

A concerned look began to appear on Chris’ face as he assessed the aftermath of the situation.

"Just let it go, Chris," Matt muttered, looking at the ground.

"Let's go," she insisted, taking quick strides past Chris to find Nick and Madi, eager to get away from the confusing situation and head back home. Meanwhile, Chris tried once more, his voice hushed as he approached his brother. "What happened, Matt?" Seeing Matt in such a shocked state had him deeply concerned and worried about his brother.

November 29, 2022

I never should have visited again and allowed you to kiss me the way you did because I couldn't stop thinking about it afterward. The pure shock and regret in your eyes were enough to shatter me into pieces. We never discussed it when we got back to your house. Chris, with his knowing glances, probably figured it out, and I know you told him but thankfully, he didn't press the issue. The morning after was just as uneasy; you didn't come out from your room until 4 pm. Nick was concerned, but I was too nervous to say anything, feeling like a colossal mistake that had happened.

But I knew, when you looked at me to say goodbye at the airport, that I was hoping it meant even a fraction as much to you as it did to me.

We didn't speak for two weeks following that day, but today you sent me a text saying you were sorry. Our conversation resumed, but neither of us mentioned it again. I didn't ask if you had told her; that was none of my business.

You have to understand, Matt, that before you kissed me, I was always yours, if only you had looked closely enough to see it.

Christopher Sturniolo had never appeared shocked in his entire life. It was as if the heavens had granted him this shocking revelation.

Nick's voice echoed, "Okay, what the hell happened between you two at that party? You've been moping for days, and you didn't even take out the trash when I asked you to!"

"We kissed!" Matt lashed out at Nick. “Happy now, Nick?”

"Oh, shit. This is good. I mean no, this is bad, you have a girlfriend," Chris winced.

Matt's thoughts raced to Florida. His girlfriend’s going to be furious.

"I know," he muttered, feeling a headache coming on.

Days had passed since they dropped her off at the airport and her departure making Matt more confused as ever.

He groaned, unable to believe he had allowed that situation to unfold. He had also been ignoring her.

"Get your shit together, Matt. Seriously, you can't just kiss her and pretend it didn't happen!" Nick's frustration was too intense for Matt's liking.

"This is bad, Matt," Madi's voice sounded small as she contemplated the situation, her thoughts divided between the girl in Florida and the other one in Boston. This was undoubtedly going to be a messy affair, she thought.

Their comments offered no solace to Matt's torn heart, a whirlwind of suppressed feelings from his teenage years. He didn't genuinely regret the kiss, but he had a girlfriend, someone good who trusted him, and he had shattered that trust by succumbing to his feelings for his best friend.

"Okay, okay, Matt, breathe," Chris tried to comfort his brother.

"I can't do this," Matt said, standing up in frustration. "Let's not talk about this again. It's too much."

He stormed off and slammed his bedroom door shut, leaving Nick, Chris, and Madi in stunned silence.

"I don't understand why he just won't admit that she's always been it for him?" Madi questioned, her gaze shifting between the two brothers.

"Because he's an idiot, Madi," Nick replied, his annoyance evident in his tone.

The situation was complicated, and he couldn't shake the feeling that he was playing with fire. His relationship with his girlfriend was hanging by a thread, and the unspoken tension with his best friend was driving him to the brink of frustration.

Matt knew he had to make a choice, a decision that could alter the course of his life. The pain of knowing he had hurt someone he cared about and the fear of losing the person who had been his confidant for years weighed heavily on him.

He was at a crossroads, and there was no easy path to take. He couldn't escape the truth, unsure of where his heart truly belonged.

December 20, 2022

Dear Matt,

It seems like things have returned to normal. Nick has stopped bombarding me with constant texts, asking if I'm okay, and Chris's late-night calls have ceased. I heard you broke up with her, I know you'd never share all the gritty details with me, but it probably was for the best. I can't help but feel like a terrible person for playing a role in your relationship's downfall. Alahna said it wasn’t my fault, but I feel like she’s just saying that, you know? I can't shake this feeling, I keep thinking I wasn't worth the risk. But then, you had a girlfriend at the time, so I understood. You'll have to forgive me, because I've never stopped thinking about that night since you kissed me.No one will ever be able to knock the wind out of me again. Not like that, not like you, Matthew.

January 2023

Matt clung to the familiar comforts of their Boston home, the very thought of remaining in the same bed that had cradled him in warmth and surrounded by the cherished memories of his childhood with his brothers offered solace to his melancholic heart.

Despite the fact that it was only the second week of January, the jarring noise of Nick's suitcase scraping against the floor downstairs served as an unwelcome reminder of the imminent reality awaiting him in just two days.

He yearned for the days before their move to California when life was different. He pined for the crisp, cold embrace of winter and the warm, welcoming smile she had for him whenever she would visit. Without a doubt, summer was his least favorite season.

Three days ago was her birthday, yet she was still in Nantucket, enjoying a vacation with her family. She texted him just two hours ago, explaining that she would be busy exploring the place with her aunt.

He had also gifted her a necklace, a token of their shared memories, as she had once given him last Christmas ago. The necklace was a heart-shaped silver pendant, a symbolic representation of his heart. He had chosen it with such devotion that Chris had teased him, saying he was like choosing an engagement ring. Matt silently agreed, but the truth was, he couldn't forget that night, the kiss they had shared, and how she had looked painfully beautiful beneath the soft, dim lights of the party.

His mom offered a comforting hug upon their arrival from the airport; Nick had probably told her over the phone about what had happened last November. As he looked around, everything had changed, yet he always felt the same.

He noticed it, as did everyone else, when Alahna and Nate visited; she didn't come. She was distant, and he couldn't help but feel guilty. It was all his fault. He had kissed her and pretended it didn't happen, only offering a sorry that didn't even comfort his own heart. Matt couldn't help but recall the conversations he had with his brothers late at night, in the car, about her being in love with him. Had he been so foolish not to notice the longing glances she directed his way?

It was four days after Christmas when he finally got up and entered Chris's room, the brightly lit space giving him a headache.

He found his brother scrolling through his phone, stress evident on Matt's face.

"Wow, you look like shit," Chris said, looking up. "What's going on? Nate has been bugging us to go to his house. Apparently..."

"Chris," Matt whispered, frustrated.

Chris leaned in, his concern evident in his eyes. "What's eating at you, Matt?" Matt had now settled on his bed, his legs touching Chris's sock-covered feet.

Matt sighed heavily, his emotions bubbling to the surface. "It's her. Something's not right, and I can't ignore it anymore. I kissed her, and then I acted like it never happened. I gave her this weak apology that didn't even begin to cover it. Now she's distant, and I can't shake this feeling that it's all my fault."

Chris listened attentively, his brows furrowing with understanding. "You've been worried about this for a while, huh?"

Matt nodded, the weight of the situation pressing on him. "Yeah. I mean, remember we've had late-night talks about her having feelings for me?  And now, I can't help but wonder if I've been too blind to see it. Maybe I've hurt her more than I realized."

Chris put a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder. "Look, you can't change the past, but you can talk to her, try to understand how she feels. Maybe it's not as bad as you think."

A beat passed as Matt solemnly gazed at his brother.

"I think I'm in love with her, Chris. Nick was right. I am in love with her," Matt said, eyes heavy from lack of sleep.

With Matt's confession hanging heavily in the air, Chris finally broke his silence. He leaned forward, a half-smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Congrats Matt, you're the last one to know," he said. "We've known for a long time that you felt this way."

Matt sat up, eyes widened in surprise. "You have?"

Chris nodded. "Yeah, it was kind of obvious, the way you'd light up every time she walked into the room. Mom mentioned before that you guys are two peas in a pod. She said it was only a matter of time before you realized she had always been here."

Matt sighed, unsure of himself. "I have no idea what to do, Chris. I'm just so scared of messing everything up."

"Well, technically you already did, idiot," Chris grinned sheepishly. “Just tell her how you feel. What's the worst that could happen?"

January 19, 2023

Chris was being weird, big time. He kept asking if I have talked to you. We talk every day, don’t we? Does he not know that?

Anyway, Chris being Chris, I guess.

You wanted me to visit for Spring break again, but I don’t think I can, but I’ll see you when you fly for Nate’s birthday in June. I cannot wait.

You seemed different these days, Matt.

As days turned into weeks, Matt struggled with his emotions in silence. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing her and making things awkward between them. His ex-girlfriend didn't handle his confession well. She said had expected it and firmly told him not to contact her again.

This situation took a toll on Matt because he never intended for things to become so complicated. He was willing to do anything to prevent it.

Realizing he was in love with his best friend left a bittersweet feeling in his heart. He had been fooling himself all these time with him ignoring the intimate moments they shared and him being clueless as to why she reacted the way she did when she found out he had a girlfriend or when he kissed her.

He wanted nothing more than to fly to the East Coast just to see her, but he felt like it wasn't the right time, especially with college going on.

Matt appreciated the updates from her about school and life, but he can't help but feel things have changed in the air between them especially when she turned down the suggestion of her visiting again for the upcoming spring break. Matt understood and he knows that she too, was processing her own feelings just as he was.

Chris, talkative and ever supportive, insisted that she had always loved Matt too, with Nick joining in on the teasing, he couldn't help but feel hopeful. All of his loved ones reassuring him that things had always been this way. Two peas in a pod.

His Mom also called the other day after Nick had shared the details with her. “Oh, honey, we’ve always known,” her sweet voice comforting Matt. “Don’t worry about a thing; I’m certain she has loved you since the day she laid eyes on you.”

February 14, 2023

Dear Matt,

Samantha teased me today about not having a Valentine's date, but I told her I didn't need one. Anyway, seeing all the couples around campus makes me miss you even more and I know I might sound negative but it's a bit overwhelming.

I remember 2 valentines ago when you made me that pink cupcake with a heart on it. You were so excited to give it to me that you had a little argument with Nick in the car because he was taking too long to get ready, and you couldn't wait for me to see it. I also remember that rainy Valentine's Day when you stopped by my house just to give me the flowers you had bought earlier that day. The soft look on your face, the sly smile and damp hair was enough to make my knees weak. I also remember how Chris snickered from the passenger seat when you said the flowers reminded you of me. I miss you so much Matt. I wish you could have been here with me today, but you're in Palm Springs having a blast.

It's already February, Matt and I don't know how many more seasons I'll spend loving you.

February 14, 2019

"Hurry up, you idiot. Holy shit, I've been sitting here in the car for 20 minutes, and you're still not ready," Matt complained, clearly annoyed.

"Wow, Matt, what's gotten into you? Sorry, holy fuck," Nick responded, taken aback by his brother's sudden outburst.

Chris chimed in; his teasing tone evident as he laughed. "Calm down, Matt, I'm sure she'll understand if we're a little late."

"Shut up, Chris, it's not that. It's just the fact that Nick always does this," Matt retorted, starting the car.

"Is this what this is about? You being excited to give her your cupcake?" Nick teased, making a face at Chris and smirking.

"You're stupid, Nick." Matt grumbled, proceeding to drive down the familiar road to her house, a route he had taken many times before.

February 14, 2020

"Chris, come on, wake up!" Matt's voice boomed through his brother's room. It was 3 pm in the afternoon, and Nick had already been pestering them to go out. "I'm up, please get out of my face, Matt. I'll kill you," Chris grumbled sleepily.

With Chris in his usual grumpy state and Nick being overly excited, Matt found himself stopping by a nearby flower shop in Somerville. As he stood in front of the various types of flowers, his focused remained on a bouquet of tulips. He had heard from their mom the other day how exceptionally pretty tulips were.

Unbeknownst to Matt, Chris had slipped out of the car to join him. "You're getting flowers for her?" Chris asked, his tone laced with teasing.

"Yeah," Matt replied with a nonchalant shrug.

"Huh," Chris remarked, flashing a smile at the elderly woman behind the counter before turning his gaze back to his brother. "Why?"

"Because" Matt rolled his eyes, "why not?"

"Fair enough, geez, I'm just curious."

"Do you think she'll like tulips?"

Chris grinned and gave his brother an incredulous look, as if he found Matt's question amusingly strange. "She'll absolutely love them, Matt."

"Great," Matt said, clapping his hands together. "I'll get it," he cheerfully declared, already making his way toward the old woman.

With his usual teasing, Chris added, "Why don't you pick up some chocolates and write her a love letter too while you're at it?" He couldn't help but shake his head and chuckle.

"Shut up, Chris," Matt said dismissively.

As the rain began to pour, Chris watched his brother buy the flowers and wondered how unaware Matt can be with his own feelings.

March 2023

It was the week of Samantha's birthday, and she found herself contemplating on going. She didn't want to come across as a buzzkill for considering not attending, but the truth was, she often found immense joy in staying in on Friday nights. However, there were moments when she felt sad while lying in bed, especially upon hearing from Madi that all of them was heading to a party. Her thoughts would drift to Matt, wondering how he was doing or if he met someone. She tried to push the thoughts away still.

Matt would text her late at night updating her that he was already home, and she would read his messages in the morning. She hated how different their lives now were, with her being in college and him having the time of his life in California.

Sadness washed over her again when she remembered the kiss, they had shared last year. It saddened her to think that it might not have meant as much to Matt as it did to her, but it felt too late to bring it up now. He had apologized, and she had told him to forget about it.

With a change of heart, she confirmed to Samantha that she would indeed attend her birthday celebration. It was time to step out and have some fun, she thought. If Matt could do it, so could she.

The backyard of the Airbnb is transformed with colorful decorations and fairy lights are strung along the trees. The little bonfire in the center, surrounded by Samantha's friends chatting and laughing made her anxious, there is a lot more people than she thought.

She spotted Samantha and approached her cheerfully. "Samantha! Happy birthday!"

"Oh my gosh, you're here! I've been waiting for you. I'm so glad you made it."

"Me too," she replied, enveloping the curly-haired birthday girl in a warm embrace.

"Please, enjoy yourself tonight, alright? We have drinks and food in the kitchen, and I think Lorraine is around here somewhere," Samantha mentioned.

"Yeah, of course. You don't need to worry about me. I'll have a great time," she reassured her. "Go ahead and mingle."

"Alright, I'll catch up with you later, okay?" Samantha planted a peck on her cheek and continued welcoming other guests.

When she surveyed the crowd, she mentally reminded herself to grab a drink to avoid just standing there awkwardly. The party was in full swing, and despite her nagging desire to be in her cozy bed, she was determined to have a great time.

"Hey girl, how are you? I didn't see you come in. Have you seen Sam yet?" Lorraine greeted her with a warm hug, while Hannah waved.

"Hi, Lor, I'm good. And yeah, I just did. I just got here too so," she replied.

"That's great. You didn't get lost, did you?" Lorraine said with a playful grin.

She chuckled, “No."

Lorraine is Samantha's best friend from high school, she has long black hair, sharp eyes, and legs for days.

"Do you drink?" Lorraine asked, as Hannah busied herself mixing drinks at the counter.

"Uh, sometimes," she admitted, although deep down, she wasn't really fond of alcohol but tonight was different, though. She was feeling bold and what's a little alcohol after a rough week?

"We've got plenty here—tequila, beer, vodka, and all that jazz."

"I'll take a beer, please," she decided, opting for a more casual choice.

As the night wore, she took small sips of her drink and appreciated the light-hearted conversations with Lorraine and Hannah, which kept her from constantly checking her phone. Two hours ago, Matt sent her a text about whatever, but she ignored it. Truth is, she still feels a little hurt and awkward with him because of everything that has happened. Just for the night, she allowed herself to clear her mind of thoughts about the blue-eyed boy in California.

"I need to use the bathroom. I'll be right back," she informed the couple, receiving only nods in response.

Aware of the dangers of drink spiking, she was cautious and brought her beer with her.

The hallways were narrow, and she wondered how many people had made out in these halls. There were many rooms too and photo frames with inspiring quotes that adorned the walls. Her trip to the bathroom was going fine until she bumped into a guy.

“I'm so sorry," she apologized frantically, searching for the green tissue pack in her little bag while setting the glass of beer on a nearby table. Her white top was now stained with liquor, which was just great. The embarrassment of the situation was overwhelming, leaving her unable to think straight.

"No worries," The guy chuckled, clearly taken aback by the unexpected encounter. "I should've been more careful."

She handed him the tissues, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "That was so embarrassing. I'm truly sorry," she said with a sheepish smile.

"Don't worry about it. It’ll dry," he replied with a reassuring smile.

“"I'm really sorry," she winced as she saw him examining his now alcohol-soaked shirt.

"It's okay," he smiled softly, causing her cheeks to turn pink. When he noticed her freezing in embarrassment, he spoke up again, "Hey, apology accepted. Please don't worry about it. I can just wipe this off, and I'll be fine."

She nodded and whispered, "I'm so embarrassed."

"Really, I'm over it now. Besides, it's my fault for not looking. You got drenched too," he chuckled, glancing at her blouse.

"Yeah, don't worry about me. It's not as bad as yours. Can I at least help you with that?" she offered.

"What? Help me wipe this beer off? Nah, I'm good. You go do your thing," he dismissed her with another friendly smile.

Feeling somewhat defeated, she simply nodded and said, "Alright."

In the bathroom, she found herself shaking her head in embarrassment while trying to wash off the small beer stain on her top. The night is not going well, and she was starting to regret not staying home. Why did embarrassing situations always seem to find her at parties?

After a few minutes of recovery and self-reflection, she returned to where Lorraine and Hannah were. But before she could reach the couple, she spotted the guy she had bumped into earlier. Hannah was chatting with him and giggling, while Lorraine wore an amused expression that made her feel even more self-conscious. Great, he knew them and had definitely shared the incident with them.

Hannah noticed her approaching and said, "Oh, I see you've already met our friend, Luke!"

The mischievous glint in Hannah's eyes confirmed that he had indeed told what had happened.

"Yeah," she replied shyly, smiling. "I think he has already told you how we met."

Luke laughed while Lorraine snickered. "Don't worry, he's not upset with you. In fact, he thinks you're cute, right Luke?"

"Oh..."

"Ignore Lorraine. Nice to meet you," he said, flashing her a warm smile and offered his hand. She couldn't help but notice the dimples in his cheeks or how perfectly curled his hair was.

"You too," she replied with a smile, shaking his hand, feeling her embarrassment vanish little by little.

Matthew Sturniolo was confused once again for the millionth time in his life, and his brothers found it funny.

Just five minutes ago, Nick mentioned she was at a party. Matt's head shot up upon hearing what his brother said.

"So, that's why she wasn't replying," Matt said, fingers fast on opening Instagram. "She didn't mention about going to a party."

With furrowed brows, he watched her story, where a girl with jet black hair was seen pouring a drink into a red up. The background confirming that she was indeed at a crowded party.

"She doesn't have to share everything with you, you know?" Nick rolled his eyes, as if Matt should already know this.

Chris chuckled, rising from his slouched position on the couch. "Yeah, you guys aren't dating, so why should she keep you in the loop about everything?"

Chris was teasing him, and he was aware of it. Nick gave Chris a look that said, 'who does he think he is?'

But Matt didn't care. It bothered him that she didn't even tell him knowing how much she disliked parties. He reopened their text conversation and stared at his unanswered message.

He sent another text:

Hey, just checking in. Saw your Instagram story. Hope everything's ok 😊

Turning to his brothers, who were now grinning, Matt asked, somewhat annoyed, "What?"

"Come on, Matt, lighten up. She can take care of herself," Chris teased again.

"She's a grown woman, Matt," Nick shrugged.

"Fine, I don't care," Matt grumbled, shifting his attention to the TV in front of him.

"Except you do, lover boy," Nick replied, and Chris laughed.

Matt stayed quiet, ignoring his brothers' teasing. He didn't need to know every detail of her life, and Chris was right. She could manage on her own but tonight he just felt uneasy. Was she ignoring him on purpose? Is he losing her?

He did his best to shake the thoughts as he stared at his empty notifications bar, hoping it wouldn't bother him as the night wore.

“Trouble in paradise?” Luke asked curiously, a playful smile gracing his beautiful face as he observed her reaction to a text message she had received, which seemed to elicit an anxious sigh from her, if Luke were to point it out.

She nervously chuckled and replied, "No, it's just my best friend asking how I'm doing," explaining helplessly. Luke nodded, choosing not to press any further.

They were now outside, surrounded by the soft chatter and faint music coming from the house. Lorraine and Hannah had left them 15 minutes ago to mingle with the other guests.

"So, is Sam a good roommate?" Grateful that he was attempting to initiate conversation and maintain a lighthearted atmosphere, considering what happened earlier. Lorraine had already explained that they had all been friends since high school and that Samantha was her roommate.

She chuckled and replied, "Yes, she is, thankfully. Although she tends to dance when she's drunk."

Luke laughed and shook his head, agreeing, "I heard she could be a handful when drunk," recalling a conversation he had with his own friends years ago.

"What do you study, again?" She asked, changing the subject. Realizing she couldn't quite remember what he had mentioned earlier, as she had been preoccupied with trying to forget the awkward bathroom encounter.

"Oh, I study business at SDSU, same school as Lorraine," he replied. “You’re studying computer science, right?”

She nodded, unwilling to discuss her major further. "How's Boston treating you? Do you enjoy it here so far?"

"Well, I've only been here for three days, and I've still got two more to go, but yeah, I like it. Just not used to the weather, that's all," Luke replied, looking down at her.

"Oh, yeah, I completely agree. Boston's weather is moody, unlike California's. It's very different," she said.

"I don't mind," Luke shrugged. "It's my first time here, after all."

"Really?" She turned to face him fully.

"Yeah, don't tell anyone, but I've never actually been to any state other than where I live," he chuckled, taking a sip of his own drink.

"Well, I think you deserve a proper tour from a native!" She looked up at him, smiling.

"You think so?" Luke grinned at her knowingly, his eyes twinkling with playfulness.

"Yeah, I mean, I've got nothing to do. I'm finished with most of my projects."

She couldn't pinpoint the source of her newfound confidence, whether it was the influence of alcohol or perhaps Luke’s casual smiles and affectionate glances throughout the evening.

He laughed, obviously amused by her eagerness, and she couldn't help but notice how nice his teeth were and how his curls looked.

"What's so funny?" She raised her eyebrows at him, a faint smile on her lips.

Still smiling, Luke replied, "Nothing, you're really cute."

She went silent, a blush forming on her cheeks. She was about to speak when he continued, "But yeah, a tour would be nice. Maybe we could get some lobsters?"

She snickered, the alcohol giving her confidence once again. "Are you asking me out on a date?"

"If you want it to be," he shrugged coolly, his eyes never leaving hers.

"Well, it's not a date. I'm just a new friend touring my new friend in the city," she declared.

He chuckled once again, his voice ringing in her ears. "Okay then, it's not a date."

She didn't even realize how engrossed they were in each other until Samantha approached them with a wide smile. "I see you two have already met," Samantha said, her eyes holding a hint of mischief.

"Sam!" She turned her attention away from Luke, her surprise evident. "Hi. Yeah, it's kind of a long story," she said, offering a sheepish smile.

Luke chuckled. "Your roommate here seems eager to show me around the city."

"Is that so?" Samantha looked between them, clearly amused.

The atmosphere remained light-hearted. Samantha’s playful smirk hinted at her enjoyment of the situation.

“Well, if she’s offering to be your tour guide, you’re in for a treat,” Samantha said, looking at Luke with a playful glint in her eye. “She knows all the best spots in Boston.”

Luke nodded with enthusiasm. “I have no doubt about that. I’m excited.”

Samantha winked at them both. “You’re in good hands.”

She understood that Samantha was insinuating something else. She wasn't stupid and she very was certain that tomorrow, the birthday girl would pester her about this encounter with Luke.

Samantha and Lorraine gave them knowing looks after Luke offered to walk her home and after a moment’s hesitation, she agreed. It was just a 10-minute walk to campus, after all.  She didn’t want to be rude, but she also didn't want to walk home all alone at night.

She couldn’t help but remember Matt. Her Matt. The Matt she had been ignoring for hours now.

It had been an eternity since someone had taken the time to do this for her. She remembered from their high school days, how Matt used to walk her to her door, the way their hands would touch a little while walking, and her secret hope that he would kiss her goodbye. Of course, Matt never did.

“It’s been so long,” she whispered, her heart aching, unintentionally saying it out loud. Luke stopped mid-sentence.

“What?” He asked, confused.

She shook her head, caught off guard by her unexpected outpouring of emotion. “Oh, I’m sorry. I got a bit lost in thought. Please continue, what were you saying?”

“You did seem a little distracted all night. Is this still about the drink you spilled?”

“No, something else,” she replied, stealing another glance at her phone. Matt’s unanswered goodnight message, sent 20 minutes ago, weighed on her. “Just a lot happening in my life,” she chuckled, attempting to make it sound light for Luke’s benefit.

“Like school?” Luke asked again, his gaze steady.

“Yeah, something like that,” she answered, slipping her phone into her jeans pocket, concealing her suppressed longing.

Matt rose from his bed, finding no solace for his troubled heart in its confines. He headed downstairs to see if Chris was still awake.

"Hey, you up?" Matt opened the door to find his brother engrossed in his phone.

Chris looked up and said, "Oh, hey. Yeah."

Matt let out a long sigh and flopped down on Chris's bed.

"Uh-oh," Chris turned off his phone and turned his full attention to Matt. "She still hasn't replied to your texts?"

"Nope," Matt grumbled. "I want to call her."

"Matt," Chris frowned, "Don't. I'm sure she's fine."

"This is just not like her," Matt added, feeling stupid.

"I thought you didn't care?" Chris teased.

"Of course, I care," Matt sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Damn, you’re really down bad.”

"Chris, what's keeping her so busy at this party? Tell me, have you ever been so engrossed at a party that you forget to check your phone all night?" Matt asked, sitting up as he tried to calm his racing mind and heart.

"Uh," Chris tried to think, but honestly, he wanted to say no. There was no plausible reason she would be so absorbed unless she was actively ignoring Matt.

"You see?" Matt widened his eyes, attempting to convince his brother. "What if something happened to her?"

Chris intervened, "Whoa, we're jumping to conclusions here. Look, Matt, I'll call her."

Matt watched hopefully as the seconds passed by.

Five rings, and then her voice came through the speakers. "Chris?" Her voice sweet as a honey to Matt's ears. She must have made it home because he couldn't hear any background noise.

How could she answer Chris and not even reply to his texts?

"Hey, look, I'm sorry. Did I wake you? Matt here has been worried sick about you. You're not replying to his texts—"

Matt snatched the phone from Chris's hand. "I'm sorry. Chris is an idiot. I'm not worried, trust me."

There was a brief silence, and Chris facepalmed, whispering, "What are you saying, Matt?"

When she didn't reply, Matt continued, "I mean, I am worried. Just checking in, you know?"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Sorry, no, yeah, I'm good. I just got caught up with friends, that's why I didn't get the chance to reply." A lie.

Matt paced slowly in Chris's room, trying to imagine her face. Chris gave him a look that said, 'What are you doing? Get it together.'

"I was a little concerned," Matt admitted chuckling, downplaying his worries.

"I'm fine, Matt. I just got home 20 minutes ago," she replied, her voice a whisper. She must be smiling, Matt thought, though he couldn't see her.

"Thanks for checking in, and sorry for not answering your texts," she added.

"That's... that's okay. I'm glad you're home and safe."

"Me too. This guy was kind enough to walk me home. I mean Samantha's friend from the party, Luke."

Matt and Chris exchanged surprised glances. "Luke?"

"Yeah, he was really nice. Offered to walk me. Also, I didn't tell you, but I spilled beer on him, which was embarrassing, but he was sweet about it, so we're good."

Chris snickered, and Matt shot him a hard stare, his stomach sinking by the minute. Who the hell is Luke?

"You can't be serious," Matt chuckled, trying to conceal his concern. “What?”

"No, I'm dead serious. We talked all night, and then, yeah, that's it. I offered to show him around Boston tomorrow, just to make up for what happened, I guess." She continued her story, seemingly unaware of how it was affecting Matt.

Matt couldn't hide his unease. "You just met him like 3 hours ago, and now you're spending the day with him? Who is this guy?"

"No, he's really nice, I swear. Plus, he's Samantha's friend, so..." She was quick to defend.

"I'm just saying, you don't know this guy well enough to spend your whole day with him," Matt said, growing more upset by the minute.

"Well, how am I supposed to know him if we're not going to hang out?"

Chris chuckled, shaking his head, while Matt tried to keep his feelings in check.

"Up to you. I'm just looking out for you, you know that. Again, just saying. Be careful," Matt replied, struggling to hide his true emotions.

"Yes, Dad," she teased, rolling her eyes, though she was likely fighting off a smile.

"I'm serious. I'm just looking out," Matt insisted.

"I appreciate that, Matt. Don't worry, I'll update you guys tomorrow. Also, do you still remember the address of that pasta place we visited a year ago where Chris fell in love with the chicken alfredo?"

"I'll ask him," Matt's voice sounded small. He felt like he was losing her by the second. Who was this guy? Were they going on a date? He can already feel a headache coming and a lump forming in his throat.

"I'll text you the address," Chris shouted from across the room.

"Alright, I think I'm going to bed. I'm really tired," she said, still painfully unaware of Matt's feelings.

"Okay, then. Go to sleep. Text me tomorrow," Matt pleaded, his voice carrying a sense of desperation. "Please."

"I will, Matt. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Chris."

"Goodnight!" Chris cheerfully replied, clearly enjoying the situation way more than Matt was.

Deep inside, she felt a bit guilty for distancing herself from Matt, ignoring his texts, and even considering dating other guys, possibly including Luke in the future.

However, she loved Matt for a long time, but he never felt the same way. Some days it felt like he did, especially that time he had kissed her, but it was never enough. She believed that if he had ever felt the same way about her, she would have been aware of it by now.

She was becoming tired of constantly holding onto false hope, longing for a love that would never happen and yearning for a touch that seemed always just out of reach. She desired to be consumed by his fire, even if it meant getting burned.

She craved the warmth of his affection, the reassurance of his reciprocation, and the simple comfort of knowing that her love was not in vain.

Truth to be told, she knew that Matt deserved to know the depth of her feelings, even if it meant facing the harsh reality that he might not feel the same way. Love, after all, deserved to be known. On the other hand, she feared the potential fallout – the awkwardness, the possibility of rejection, and the damage it could do to their friendship.

She couldn't escape the fact that she had held this love within her for so long, it had become a part of her very being. It was like an unspoken truth that lingered in the air whenever they were together.

"Love has a right to be spoken. And you have the right to know that somebody loves you." - Ursula K. Le Guin, A Fisherman of the Inland Sea

From the moment she pushed open the imposing wooden doors of the campus, she spotted Luke, leaning against a tree. The sunlight played upon his brown hair, making it appear lighter, and his eyes took on a golden hue.

It was undeniable, Luke was handsome. Every time she looked at him, it felt like a breath of fresh air on a crisp morning. Maybe it was something about the way his eyes locked onto her when she told stories, or how effortlessly he could reply with clever comebacks that always seemed perfectly timed. It was the way he carried himself that caused her poor heart to race a little.

When he caught sight of her, his face lit up. "Hey you," he grinned, his hands tucked into his pockets.

She returned his warm smile. "Hey yourself," she replied playfully, her eyes sparkling with excitement. “You ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” he said, extending his arm, inviting her to link hers with his.

She shot him a look that said, ‘I’m not doing that,’ but she rolled her eyes, still smiling and continued walking.

Luke caught up with her, shaking his head with amusement.

Walking side by side, Luke kept his hands in his pockets, while she tucked hers inside her jacket to shield herself from the chilly air. She couldn’t wait for March to be over.

The curly-haired boy was surprised when he noticed a list of places on her notes app. Luke found it incredibly cute that she had taken the time to jot it all down for him.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you’ve listed everything,” he chuckled, glancing at her phone to catch a glimpse of their planned destinations. “You’re really committed to this, aren’t you?”

Despite his best efforts to meet her eyes, she remained engrossed in her phone, her gaze fixed on the screen. “Of course. I did say I’ll show you the city, remember?”

Luke’s curiosity was piqued, and his eyebrows raised. A small smile played on his lips. “Do you always do this?”

She couldn’t help but laugh at his question. It was quite out of character for her to agree to tour someone around the city, especially when they had only met the night before. But Luke had proven to be a pleasant distraction from the strange texts she had been receiving from Matt lately plus he was really cute.

“To be honest,” she began, looking up from her phone to turn to Luke, “no. I just felt like doing something different today.” Her gaze softened as she spoke, and for a moment, her thoughts drifted to what Matt had texted her earlier that morning.

‘You do know that’s a date, right?’

Her response was that it wasn’t, explaining that she was simply acting as a good friend, and this left her message without a reply.

As the day went on, she found herself more and more drawn to Luke. If she were to describe the distraction from her unrequited love, who was miles away from the East Coast, it would undoubtedly be a flirty man with curly brown hair, coffee-colored eyes, and a smile that could light up any room he walked into.

With a playful tone, she leaned in and asked, “So, what’s one more thing on your Boston bucket list, aside from the lobsters?”

They sat together at a cozy coffee shop near the school, where a handful of students were studying. The shop’s walls were adorned with rustic brown bricks, and colorful flowers added a touch of charm. As the sun began its descent, the interior was bathed in a golden hue, creating a warm and inviting atmosphere.

Samantha had just texted her asking how the date with Luke in which she replied again that it was not.

Luke paused for a moment, considering the question. “Well, I’ve heard Fenway Park is pretty iconic.”

She agreed, reaching for her cup yet again. “That’s a fantastic choice! You’ll get to experience the true Boston sports culture.”

Luke grinned, appreciating her enthusiasm for everything he says. “And what about you? Any more must-see places you’d recommend?”

She thought for a moment, remembering the restaurant Chris loved, but chose not to mention it, as if she were safeguarding a secret that the world couldn’t know, the restaurant symbolizing memories that were now part of the past. Instead, she decided to keep their conversation in the present, allowing it to flow naturally.

She smiled shyly, a glint in her eyes, as she playfully remarked, “If I didn’t know any better, I think you’re just finding reasons to see me again.”

Luke's grin widened, his charm shining even brighter. "Ah, you've caught me," he admitted, "guilty as charged but who could resist an opportunity to explore Boston with such beautiful company?"

Her shy smile only added to the allure of the moment, and he couldn't help but appreciate the twinkle in her eyes. "Well," he continued, his tone dipping into a more flirtatious register, "if this is me saying I’d like to see you again, then what do you say? Perhaps you could be my personal tour guide for a while longer?"

She couldn't help but blush at him. "If that's your way of saying you'd like to see me again, then I say you're in luck,” she teased.  “I wouldn't mind being your tour guide for a while longer."

Luke laughed, his face lighting up at her response, and he couldn't help but shake his head amusingly. "That's fantastic news! I supposed I'll have to come up with even more reasons to see you then."

Her smile remained coy, eyes locking onto his. "I look forward to it."

“But on a Saturday, in a café, she watched it begin again.”

(ifykyk haha)

May 2023

Nick Sturniolo couldn't tolerate it any longer; once again, his brother was wallowing in his room, shrouded in darkness with the covers pulled over his head. It seemed like Matt's sole agenda was eating and sleeping these days.

"That's enough," Nick's voice reverberated through Matt's room, with Chris trailing behind him. "This has to stop. Seriously, you need to get out."

Matt grumbled, squeezing his eyes shut. "No, Nick."

"Dude, come on." While Chris empathized with his brother's emotions, he knew that spending five days holed up in bed was far from ideal. "Have you even talked to her?"

"No," came the quiet, dismissive reply.

Exchanging concerned glances, Chris and Nick understood that Matt was avoiding them once again. Unmoved, Nick reached out and yanked the covers away, leaving Matt exposed from his warm cocoon.

"Nooo, Nick," Matt whined, rising from his bed, and walking past them into the bathroom. "Can you two just leave me alone?"

"Matt, please, this needs to stop," Nick pleaded, following him. However, Matt shut the bathroom door before Nick could utter another word.

Chris shook his head, deeply concerned. "This is getting out of hand."

"I'll call her," Nick declared, determined to mend his brother's broken heart as he headed toward the couch to grab his phone.

Chris halted him in his tracks. "Don't, Nick."

"Why not? This is ridiculous. She needs to know what's happening to Matt, you know?"

While Nick loved her just as much and empathized with her feelings for her brother, witnessing her heart break over the same guy repeatedly over the past few years, he also loved Matt and understood his reasons and he would go to great lengths to ensure he never saw his brother like this again.

"Don't do it, Nick," Chris warned again.

"Why not?" Nick persisted, challenging Chris, his frustration mounting.

"Because what are you going to tell her? That Matt's been depressed as shit because she went on multiple dates with this guy, and it all went well?"

Matt, listening from the other side of the door, emerged and interceded between them. "No one's going to tell anyone anything, okay? I'll be fine. I just want to be left alone."

"You have to tell her, Matt," Nick said, speaking more softly this time.

Chris gazed at the side of Matt's face, his heart aching at the sight of his brother in such despair. "Before it's too late," Chris added.

It pained Chris to see his brother like this, but he couldn't help but consider that maybe Matt had missed his chance with her months ago when he failed to understand why she was so upset about him having a girlfriend. Chris also couldn't deny that she had pined for Matt for years, and it had taken a long time for his brother to realize his true feelings and he also knew that even time would not wait for Matt.

In the weeks that followed, their household was like wrapped in an atmosphere of melancholy. Matt's isolation continued, and it seemed like there was a cloud of sadness hanging over them, especially when she announced that she plans to make it official with Luke.

Each day that passed without Matt addressing his feelings felt like a missed opportunity, and Nick couldn't help but wonder how much time they had left before those feelings became irrevocably entangled with regret.

He knew Matt's heartache was genuine and real. It wasn't just about a date gone well; it was about missed chances, miscommunication, and the unraveling of a connection that had been there all along. Nick also couldn't shake the nagging feeling that time was slipping through their fingers like grains of sand. It was an unspoken truth, a silent echo in the house, that they were running out of chances to mend the rift between Matt and her.

Meanwhile, Chris wrestled with his own conflicted emotions. He remembered that moment when Matt had failed to understand the depths of her pain when he had kissed her and pretended it didn't happen, his brother's lack of action when she needed him the most. It had been a missed opportunity, an oversight.

March 29, 2023

Dear Matt,

Spring’s break over. Been over for a few days. Everything is back to normal, and the air is getting warmer, which makes me a little happy. Mac Demarco’s song came on shuffle earlier on my way to class and it reminded me of when we were listening to it during the car ride back home. Remember the mint ice cream I let you try, and you hated it? Yep, that was the day.

I’ve already told you about Luke. He’s okay. He’s nice. I think I like him. I mean, what’s not to like? He flew back to San Diego, but we've been talking non-stop through FaceTime and texts. I think he might like me too, though I don't want to assume anything. You did say to get to know him better before rushing into anything.

I feel like things are changing, Matt. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I miss you so much. I wish you weren’t so far away.

April 7, 2023

Hi Matthew,

I’m just struggling with my feelings right now. Luke admitted last night after nonstop calls and texts, that he likes me more than a friend and he wants to take things further but slow.

I was frozen for a few seconds. I like him but I don’t know. I guess I’ll see where it goes.

I texted you about it, but you didn’t reply, Chris said you were out with Nick and Madi. I’ll tell you all about it later. I wish you knew, Matt. I wish you knew.  That it has always been you.

It was the second week of June of 2023 when Matt Sturniolo landed in Boston, Massachusetts. After being gone for months, he was immensely grateful he was back home. The weather was warm which made everything feel just right. Things had improved significantly with him compared to the previous month, following a heartfelt conversation with Nick and Chris. They all agreed that confessing his feelings while she was entering a promising relationship wouldn't be fair, and his brothers supported this decision.

The way she would light up when talking about Luke during their video calls was enough for Matt to accept the situation as it was. He also realized that the opportunity had already passed him. She had already met someone else, and he believed, or at least liked to believe, that this person makes her happy and that was more than enough for him.

This newfound understanding brought a sense of peace to his heart, but he couldn't deny, not even to himself, that he was truly heartbroken. Despite the acceptance, there were moments when the weight of the unspoken emotions, the timing, and the distance bore down on him.

Remembering their intimate moments together leave him with a lingering ache in his heart. Matt had been in love with her long before he could put a name to his emotions, but by the time he understood his own feelings, it was already too late.

"Yo, Nate just texted me," Chris said while munching on chips and leaning against the kitchen counter. "He said shit’s ready."

"Wait, I need to take a shower first, and then we can head out," Nick shouted from the other room.

Matt appeared from the laundry area, a sock on one hand, and asked Chris about his outfit, "Do you think this looks good?"

"Yeah, that's alright. I really like that shirt," Chris replied.

Matt smiled and said, "Me too."

Impatient, Chris sighed and yelled, "Can you hurry up, Nick? Alahna just texted me, she said they already pulled up to Nate’s house."

Nick shouted back, his words somewhat unclear, "Yeah, I'll be quick."

Silence enveloped them again. After a moment, Chris whispered, "Are you sure you'll be okay there, Matt?"

"I'll be fine, Chris. It's Nate's birthday," Matt responded, still engrossed in his phone.

Chris sent him a half smile. “You know she’s never going to replace you right? Your friendship with her is already special in its own right.”

Matt looked up, his expression softening but still uncertain. He nodded, agreeing with his brother's words, though not entirely convinced.

"Alright, I'm ready to roll," Nick announced after 20 minutes, already heading for the door.

Chris could sense Matt's tension and placed a reassuring hand on his brother's shoulder. "Hey, Matt," he began, his tone gentle. "It's gonna be okay."

Matt leaned on him, nodding. "Thanks, Chris."

With a nod, Chris turned to Nick who's already impatiently waiting by the car. "Let's get going then. Nathan's waiting."

Hands on the wheel, Matt did his best to focus on the familiar road ahead of them. Nick sang along to the radio in the backseat, while Chris stared out of the window. Deep down, Matt wanted to turn around and retreat to the safety of his bedroom, but he hid his anxieties by remaining silent.

As Matt parked the car and they approached Nate's house, he couldn't shake the nervousness that had been building inside him. Chris and Nick walked ahead towards the sliding door in the backyard, where they greeted Nate's family.

For Matt, however, it was as if time had slowed down. As he scanned the gathering, he saw familiar faces - people he had known since middle school, some high school, and some he forgot the names of. Life appeared to have moved on for them, unaware of the feelings he was facing with.

With his hands in his pockets, he looked timid and shy. But then, as if the universe conspired to grant him a moment of relief, he saw her. It had been seven months. Seven long months since he had seen and kissed her, and it felt like finally witnessing the sun after a cold winter night.

Nick was approaching her first, and she welcomed his brother with a big smile on her face. Matt couldn't help but notice the subtle changes in her appearance - her hair now cascaded just below her collarbone, framing her face beautifully. Her smile, however, remained as radiant as ever, perhaps even more so. The way she held onto Nick, the carefree way her hair danced in the breeze, the sunlight gently touching her face made her seem almost unreal. The summer air had given her a healthy flush on her cheeks, making them pinker than he remembered. Her laughter like music to his ears.

After what felt like an eternity of hugging and catching up with his brothers, she began searching for him in the crowd. Her eyes eventually found him, standing there in all his handsome glory. With knowing smiles exchanged between Chris and Nick, his brothers left them alone. Matt approached her slowly, his hands still tucked in his pockets. "Hi," he greeted her with a shy smile.

She looked up at him, biting her lip, her voice now softer compared to when she had greeted his brothers. "Hi."

Subtly and unwittingly, her body leaned towards his, just like old times, and reached out to embrace him. Matt couldn't help but notice the familiar scent of her hair, the same fragrance that used to linger on his pillow for days after she had slept over.

As always, good things must come to an end, and she reluctantly pulled away, her eyes sparkling with happiness as she looked up at him. They were so close that they could feel each other's breath.

"Missed you," Matt blurted out, unable to contain his feelings. He had truly missed her more than she'll ever know.

"I missed you too, Matthew. How are things?" Her affection for him was evident in her words. Matt, who had been the love of her life for years, was now back home.

"Things are good," he replied, his voice carrying a mixture of emotions. "I'm so glad to be back home."

"Finally," she murmured softly, the word laden with longing and spoken with an intimacy meant only for his ears. Her gaze remained locked onto his, they were so absorbed into each other that they didn't notice that their friends were watching them, both oblivious to the hushed whispers in the background.

"Yeah, finally," Matt whispered, eyes steady with hers.

Observing this interaction, Nate nudged Chris gently, nodding towards them. His eyes wide.

"Oh no, Matt," Chris whispered, seeing Luke, who stood a few feet away and had seen everything. Her and Matt are standing really close, almost as if they were about to kiss. "Don't do it, Matt." Fearing his brother would do something stupid, again.

A faint clearing of the throat from behind them interrupted their moment.

"Luke," she whispered, surprised and wide-eyed. Luke responded with a polite smile, concealing his uneasiness.

Watching from a distance, Chris's heart continued to race.

Feeling embarrassed, Matt wished he could disappear. He had let his emotions get the best of him and now found himself in an awkward situation. Sensing her pull away, Matt watched as she moved closer to Luke's side, putting some distance between them.

"Luke, this is Matt," she introduced them, her voice slightly small. She gestured towards both of them. "Matt, meet Luke, my boyfriend." Matt hid his true feelings behind a polite greeting and shook Luke's extended hand but from a distance, Chris and Nate could see the sadness in his eyes as he glanced back and forth between the new couple.

"Nice to meet you, Matt. I've heard a lot about you and your brothers." Matt couldn't help but find irony in the situation, as he remembered the night in Los Angeles when he had introduced his ex to her, and his ex had offered similar words of welcome.

Matt smiled and nodded, his gaze lingering on the way Luke held her waist.

Luke started a friendly conversation, trying to ease the obvious tension in the air. "So, when did you guys get back from L.A.?"

"We got back just two days ago," Matt replied casually, shifting his gaze to Chris and Nate a few feet away from them, who was now stopped dead in their tracks, watching their interaction unfold. "What about you? I heard you're from California, right?"

Luke, keeping things relaxed, replied, "Yes, San Diego. I've been here for a week. Planning to stay for the rest of the summer."

"Oh," Matt struggled to find the right words. Spending a whole summer, indicating a serious step into their relationship.

"That's cool. Boston has nice beaches, although they might not compare to the ones on the West Coast." 

Her gaze remained locked on his, searching for a reaction. Nathan, Matt's best friend since they were 13 has always known the right words to say. He swooped in just in time to save Matt from a potentially explosive situation. 

"Hey, you guys, do you mind if I borrow Matt here for sec?” Nate asked casually, offering them his playful smile. "We need help with the ice and stuff." He said cooly, earning a knowing glance from Matt.

This was Luke's first time meeting Matt, and he couldn't help but wonder if there was more to the history between her and her best friend. After witnessing their intense interaction moments ago, he wondered if it has always been like this.  As Nate led Matt away, a moment of silence settled between Luke and her. She could sense the curiosity in Luke's eyes. Finally, he broke the silence with a gentle tone, "You guys seem very close. Is there more than what I know?"

She took a deep breath, her fingers fidgeting with the fabric of her skirt. "We've been friends for a long time, you know that." she replied, her voice a mixture of apprehension and vulnerability.

"I just never expected you two were that close," Luke chuckled lightly, making an effort to lighten the mood.

When she didn't reply, Luke gently continued, "Hey," speaking in a softer tone this time, he turned his entire body to face her, ensuring she could look into his eyes. "I'm not worried about anything. If you say you guys have been nothing more than friends all this time, then I believe you."

She smiled, feeling grateful that Luke had gracefully dropped the topic. But there was no lie in that statement; they were just friends. Matt had never reciprocated her feelings, and it had always been that way. She should be happy that she has a love like Luke's. A love unwavering, ever-present affection that wraps her in a sense of security and even though this love was just starting, it's here. It wants to spend the whole summer with her. It kisses and hugs her at night. A love that loves her back.

Chris followed Nate and Matt into the house and found them already engaged in a conversation. "Dude," he began. With Nate, deeply looking into Matt's eyes Chris knew he was helping calm his brother down. “What was that?”

Matt snapped, growing irritated with Chris, feeling the situation become more increasingly awkward and cringeworthy. "Just be quiet for a second, Chris."

“You need to keep your feelings in check before it gets complicated,” Chris informed, arms up in defense.

Matt sighed, realizing the truth in his brother's words. "Was it really that bad?"

"Bro," Nate gave him a sideways glance.

"Matt, with how close you two are, you might as well just kiss her," Chris whispered loudly, scanning the room for any guests who might have overheard them.

"It was like you guys were the only ones in the room," Nate chimed in, to which Chris nodded in agreement.

Matt hung his head in shame, anxiously sighing once more and burying his face in his hands. "I can't handle this."

"Yes, you can," Nate reassured him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You're here for my birthday, nothing else and you're gonna go out there and we're gonna have fun. Look, look, Karl's already setting up the barbeque."

Matt can only nod. Tonight was all about Nathan, and no boyfriend was going to ruin it for them.

Truth was, Nate was hesitant when she asked the question of whether she could invite Luke as her plus one. Deep down, he understood that she was slowly unveiling to the world the fact that this charming, curly-haired brunette with captivating brown eyes is going to be in their lives whether they like it or not. Nate was also aware of the feelings Matt is dealing with, feelings he suspected had been simmering beneath the surface ever since he witnessed them sharing a slice of pizza in his very own backyard three years ago. He feared that Matt wouldn't take this well, and the feelings of regret over missed opportunities might shadow him as he watched her with Luke. Yet, despite these, Nate couldn't bring himself to say no. He firmly believed that she deserved to show her love, just like anyone else and to Nate, this love was something his best friend would ultimately need to come to terms with.

The night proved to be a blur for her, with Matt's presence lingering nearby like a shadow. Just the knowledge that he was only a few feet away made her stomach churn. It hadn't always been like this; typically, she had a firm grip on her emotions and could maintain her composure, but the situation earlier, with the three of them – herself, Matt, and Luke – had left her wanting to go home and avoid talking to anyone ever again.

It had been a slip, a slip that should never have happened. The way she had clung to him, waiting for any sign, anything that might reveal his disapproval of her relationship with Luke. But when he walked through the door with Chris and Nate trailing behind him, she realized she had been fooling herself once again.

Matt had calmed himself down, thanks to Nate and Chris. With Nick giving him raised eyebrows as if to say, 'What the hell just happened? We'll talk about this later.' he shifted his focus to the food that was being handed around, attempting to divert his thoughts.

The night progressed smoothly, and the final blow came when Matt sat across from her in the group circle. Chloe, who had joined them, shot knowing looks her way as she sat beside Matt. "So, what are your plans for the summer?" their friend asked.

Various answers were heard from the group. "What about you and Luke?"

"We're going on Europe with Luke's friends from New York," she blurted out, her eyes finding their way back to her hands, avoiding Matt's piercing eyes.

She could hear the excitement and wows reverberated around the circle.

Luke chimed in, adding, "Yeah, it's going to be fun. I’m excited."

The conversation continued, with the group asking about when they will leave, and some were sharing recommendations for must-visit spots in Greece. She tuned them out, feeling smaller with each passing moment.

A European adventure was Matt and Her’s secret dream, a dream they had shared only in the quiet of the night, under the covers, with Nick sleeping on the couch nearby. It symbolized another significant step in their relationship, something that Matt couldn't help but notice.

Matt felt his heart break a little more with each passing moment, like a series of painful stabs. Of course, he didn’t forget the plans to elope in Europe and here she was fulfilling those dreams with another man.

When their eyes met, he masked his pain with a faint, forced smile.

Finally, the night ended with Chris giving her and Luke a friendly hug. With Matt already in the car avoiding the couple and Nick in the back saying his own goodbyes to Alahna and Nate.

Matt went straight to his room, shutting the door firmly behind him. Chris stopped Nick in pestering Matt and asking him about what happened at the party, he insisted that they give their brother space to work on his feelings.

~

"You're awfully quiet," Luke nudged her gently. They sat in the living room, surrounded by her sister and cousins, watching cartoons as the warm Boston summer air flowed in through the open windows of the house.

"Just lost in thought," she sighed.

"What's on your mind?" Luke asked, rubbing her hand while his gaze remained fixed on her face.

"Nothing much, just a bit nervous about meeting your New York friends," she chuckled, trying to keep her tone casual.

"They're not that bad," he reassured her, his fingers now absentmindedly playing with hers. "They'll love you. Who wouldn't love you?"

One person, she thought, but she managed to smile at Luke, appreciating his warmth. It had been a week since Nate's birthday, and Matt hadn't reached out. Part of her was secretly relieved; she wouldn't know what to say to him anyway. She knew Matt tended to withdraw when things got awkward.

This had been her problem since they were young. Matt always looks at her like he could love her, and she fell for it every time, only to have her heart broken again.

She knew she was lying to Luke about her old feelings for Matt, but she was determined to bury those emotions and start fresh with Luke.

"What if they don't like me?"

"They have no choice but to like you; they're going to spend two months with you in Europe," Luke chuckled before giving her a sweet kiss.

"I guess," she replied.

Silence settled between them once more. "Is everything ready for you? We leave really early tomorrow," Luke asked, mentally checking if he had brought everything he needed in his head.

"Yup, all packed and ready. Actually, I think I'm going to visit Nick and the boys later, you know to say my goodbyes," she shrugged.

She could feel the mood had shifted between her and Luke.

Luke straightened up, letting go of her hand. "Oh. Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, that's fine. Nick has been bugging me to hang out since they got back. He wanted to catch up and stuff."

"Alright," Luke nodded, smiling at her, not pushing further.

Setting foot in her lifelong friends' house brought a wave of nostalgia; it felt like an eternity since she had last visited. Nick welcomed her at the front door with a cheerful smile, the sounds of a heated argument between Chris and Matt can be heard from the kitchen.

"You just don't get it. I didn't know it was yours," Chris defended himself, dressed casually in shorts and a white shirt.

"Well, you should've asked me! Can't you leave a soda in the fridge for 24 hours max?" Matt shouted, clearly agitated. "Geez, you're so fucking grumpy today, is this because-" Chris replied, and Nick cleared his throat, worried that Chris might say something she should not hear. Chris noticed her presence first and practically lunged at her, almost knocking the air out of her. "Oh my god, I missed you so much."

She smiled and patted his back, returning the hug warmly. When he released her, he continued with a mischievous glint in his eyes and a playful tone, "I'm so sorry we couldn't talk much at Nate's party. You were so busy."

"Chris," Nick warned with a pointed look. Chris shrugged, still grinning.

"I missed you too and no, I wasn’t," she chuckled, glancing between Nick and Chris, offering a reassuring smile.

"Yes, you were. You were busy with your new boyfriend," Matt snapped, his tone cutting and bitter, causing her smile to slowly vanish. He wasn't looking at her, not acknowledging her presence and not even trying to hide that he doesn’t want her there.

The room fell silent, Chris and Nick exchanging shocked and speechless glances in response to Matt's outburst, making the atmosphere tense.

"In fact," Matt added, his voice sharp as knives, "you were so busy with your new boyfriend that you forgot we had plans to go to the beach with Chloe yesterday."

His words were meant to hurt, like venom injected into her heart. "Matt, please." Chris intercedes, but the tears and the lump in her throat were already starting.

"Shut up, Chris. It's true! She's Miss College-this and Miss College-that. Why are you even here? Aren't you supposed to be in Europe with your boyfriend?" Matt sneered, his blue eyes piercing through her soul, oblivious to how much his words were hurting her.

"What the hell, Matt?" Nick glowered at Matt; his eyes wide, unable to believe that his brother was speaking to her like this.

"No, it's okay Nick, leave us," she whispered, stopping him. She swallowed hard, attempting to hold back the tears and keep her composure.

Chris, sensing that this was a necessary conversation between her and Matt, guided Nick out of the kitchen. He believed in her; if anyone could handle this, it was her.

"What's your problem?" She approached Matt slowly, keeping a comfortable distance, with the kitchen counter acting as a physical barrier between them.

"You! You're my problem," Matt mumbled, avoiding eye contact, turning his head, and looking towards the window.

In the years of friendship with Matt, they never once had an argument like this. Matt had never been this upset with her, especially over missed plans. She had missed one or two in previous years, but he had never been this furious.

Her heart ached trying to understand Matt’s current level of distress. She was not understanding why the boy in front of her was seething with frustration, his cheeks flushed, hair disheveled, and his eyes usually so warm and inviting now looks exhausted and empty.

This was not the Matt she had grown so close to.

"How am I your problem? Are you seriously this fucking upset because I forgot about our plans to go to the beach yesterday?" She was getting angrier, and her voice was rising.

Matt finally looked at her again. "Just forget it."

He tried to walk away, but she blocked his path. "No. Tell me. What's wrong?"

She peered into his bloodshot eyes; he looked so done. But before she could speak again, Matt beat her to it. "Nothing's wrong. Everything's just great. Go back to your perfect boyfriend; he must be worried about you."

"He's not worried about me, Matt. Are you kidding me? What did I do to make you this upset? Look, I’m sorry, okay? We had to pack-"

Matt didn't answer and brushed past her, bumping her shoulder in the process, his back turned to her.

"Seriously, you're just going to leave? So this is about Luke? Are you jealous? Do you think I'm too busy for you guys now that I have a boyfriend?"

"I'm in love with you, okay!" Matt turned around, facing her. His blue eyes now on the verge of tears.

She stood there in stunned silence, her feet rooted to the spot. She couldn't believe it — Matthew Sturniolo, her best friend, and the boy she had secretly pined for over the years, was in love with her.

Meanwhile, in the other room, Chris and Nick listened in wide-eyed shock, their brother’s confession echoing through the house. Chris exchanged a surprised glance with Nick, who couldn’t help but roll his eyes, muttering, “Finally,” under his breath.

Matt continued, his voice frustrated, "I cannot, for the life of me, forget the day I kissed you and how much I still wanted to. How much I wanted to chase after you that night, to kiss you again, I cannot stop thinking about it."

[goldfades]

addressing hiatus!

hiii everyone!!! i hope you guys are all doing well and had a good summer (it's officially at least to me autumn!!!!!)

so i've been gone for like a month (maybe longer) and it was honestly just because your girl needed a break from all the drama, i'm just gonna be honest. it was stressing tf out and i just hated feeling that way and needed a break. but i'm baaaaaaack!

idk if i'm gonna be back back but i wanna start clean & fresh when i do. school has started and your girl is officially a sophomore in college (damn im old) and i'm gonna be super busy but... i really miss writing and hockey season is around the corner so WHOOP WHOOP!!!!

also i've gotten a couple asks about my masterlist and that will be getting fixed soon (hopefully) but a quick fix for that is just searching up *players name* x reader on my blog and all my works should show up!!!!! anyways, yeah, i'll be back soon

i love you all!

[moonsgemini]

american heartbreak - ii

summary: a big win and one too many tequila sunrises could be just the right push to idiots in love needed, or could possibly create more self doubt.

warnings: cowboy!rafe x oc, fem reader, drinking, bull riding ?, vomit, cussing, mutual pining, ward being ward, excessive use of nicknames (sorry?), cowboy!rafe (yes it needs a warning)

wc: 4.8k

an: I know nothing about bull riding so please bare with me lmao I researched as best as I could. This took soooo long but I did it! I love where this series is going & I hope you guys do too. Next series to be updated is seeking arrangments <3

series master list - previous part

June looked herself over in her mirror brushing her hands over her dress. In her usual sundress and boots she let out a satisfied sigh and grabbed her big denim jacket. She was hoping to catch Rafe’s attention tonight, maybe he would want to spend time with her. Instead one of the girls he always ended up having hanging off his every word.

“James is here Juney!” Amber shouted from the bottom of the stairs. Her boyfriend was going to give the two a ride tonight.

“Coming!” She replied. She grabbed her bag and headed downstairs to meet the couple.

“Hey James,” She said and smiled at the dark haired man.

He nodded at her, “Hey June Summers.” James always said her full name for some reason. June never questioned it. Amber came out from the kitchen and grabbed James’ hand.

June followed behind them. She always felt like they were her parents when it was just the three of them, “We better hurry because June’s gotta help with the raffle tickets. Oh and she needs some time to stare at Rafe,” Amber smirked looking back at the girl who was locking the front door.

“Hey!” June scolded as she turned around quickly.

James laughed and said, “Don’t act like it’s a secret that you’re crazy for him.” He opened the truck door for his girlfriend before she climbed in.

June rolled her eyes opening her door, “I’m not crazy about him! I just have a small crush on him. Just like a school girl crush.”

“Oh please you’ve had a school girl crush on him since you were literally a school girl.” Amber laughed.

“Can we talk about something else please,” June said with a huff, no longer wanting to be ridiculed for her crush.

“You’re coming to Rooster’s right June?” James asked as he drove to the rodeo.

June shrugged, “Yeah I guess so. I don’t want to miss out on another night of Amber falling off the mechanical bull.”

Amber laughed at the memory, “I will be that damn bull one day,” she turned to James, “she’s also going because Rafe explicitly asked if she was going.”

“I’m gonna jump out of this truck right now.”

-

After they arrived James walked them over to where the riders were. He was going to meet Rafe to make sure everything was good to go before his first ride. There was still over an hour before it was supposed to start so June had some time to be with Amber before helping Mrs.Mayfield. She shivered lightly at the cool autumn breeze and also because of her nerves. She was nervous to see Rafe, he always made her a clammy mumbling mess.

Amber was walking with her going off about a girl they went to high school with’s pregnancy announcement. Amber always knew all the gossip and she always passed the information along. June laughed at something Amber said closing her eyes for a split second, but with her clumsiness she tripped over a rock. Her heart dropped as she felt herself go forward but she never hit the ground. A pair of arms held onto her waist firmly keeping her in place. She gasped and looked up at whose arms they were and of course it was Rafe. Her knight in shining armor.

“June bug gotta watch where you’re goin’,” Rafe gave her a lopsided smile as she regained her composure.

She felt hot all over as she stood up straight and took a small step back. Being too close to him was making her dizzy. She cleared her throat, “Well the rock should watch where it’s going.”

She cringed internally at her failed attempt to be witty. His smile turned into a full one as he chuckled, she was thinking that he either agreed she was cringey or maybe thought she was funny. Either way she still felt hot from embarrassment.

“Rafe and I have some prepping to do so we better get a move on,” James said as he walked over to Amber and gave her a hug and a kiss. June had almost forgotten that the couple was there. She watched with admiration, she liked Amber and James together. Mostly because he made her best friend the happiest she’d ever seen her.

While James and Amber were being lovey dovey Rafe had stepped to stand beside June. He leaned down and nudged her shoulder with his, “Am I seein you tonight? After?”

She looked over at him with a shy grin not wanting to show how on the inside she was screaming that he had asked her again about after the rodeo, “Only cause you’ve been askin so nicely.”

Rafe wanted to eat her up. She had no idea of the affect she had on him. He had always harbored a crush on her, ever since he was nine years old. His sister had met her when he was in fourth grade and they were in second grade. Sarah had dragged a girl behind her as she ran towards Rafe and their mom waiting in the pick up area of school. Once he laid eyes on her he couldn’t hear anything Sarah was saying. All he could do was stare at her pretty face.

June started coming over to Rafe’s house and his preteen brain couldn’t handle it. He swears that he stopped finding girls gross when he saw June for the first time. He always kept his distance from her because she was Sarah’s friend. Once he got to high school he had become somewhat of a Casanova since his bull riding career had begun to take off the girls started to pay more attention to him. June never really showed that she liked him as more than a friend so he started dating other girls. He was blind to the way her smile got weaker when she’d see him out with a girl. He couldn’t tell that she always held back tears whenever she’d go to their house and he’d be leaving with a bouquet of flowers in hand for his date that he was late to pick up because he was waiting to run into June to see her.

He always felt like she was too good for him. Too pure for someone like him. Of course he made flirtatious comments towards her and was always a gentleman. Helping her unload new flower pot shipments if he happened to walk in after a delivery. Rafe held doors open for her, always walked her to her car when she’d leave the Cameron house late. He wanted to at least show her that he was always there if she needed him.

June simply thought Rafe was an extreme gentleman and incredibly charming towards everyone in the way he was with her. She learned not to get her hopes up when she kept seeing him with a new girl every week. It was just how Rafe was, she wasn’t any different to him.

“I’m honored,” He smirked.

The couple had finished their goodbyes and walked up to them. Amber wrapped her arm around June’s shoulders, “Rafe your girl has to go help Mrs.Mayfield.”

“Make sure you’re watching when I’m out there,” Rafe pointed at June as him and James began to walk away. She nodded and gave him a small wave as he left. That incredibly charming smile never leaving his face.

“That boy is so smitten,” Amber laughed throwing her head back.

June rolled her eyes, “He’s like this with everyone.”

“Whatever you say honey,” Amber patted her back. They reached the booth where Mrs.Mayfield was setting up the tickets and the cash box.

“Well if it isn’t my favorite flower girls,” The older woman beamed at the girls. She was a sweet lady who everyone in town knew. She was in charge or everything. If there was a community event Martha Mayfield was most likely organizing it.

June hugged the woman, “Mrs.Mayfield you look as beautiful as ever.”

“You’re too good to me dear,” She turned towards the red head next to June, “Now Miss Amber I still do not see a ring on that finger.”

Amber sighed dramatically walking over to the woman, “Soon I hope, please talk some sense into that boy next time he delivers your eggs.”

“I always do honey,” She patted her cheek gently, “Now lets sell some tickets and make some money for the dance.” She clapped her hands and went behind the booth where June had started to help her.

-

Rafe sighed as he listened to his dad try and coach him. Ward was hard on Rafe, he always passed it on as him caring so much about his son. Rafe knew that his dad just wanted bigger trophies and bigger checks. He couldn’t hate the guy because he had given Rafe so much and pushed him hard to be the best. Frankly it worked and Rafe became the best.

It’s why now he was really getting a coaching lesson because tonight was either all or nothing. If Rafe got first place he’d move on to the semi finals. Of course he wanted to win the championship but making it to the semis of the southern eastern bull riding championship (SEBRC) would bring him a lot of attention. He’d be closer to going pro. Rafe was already being watched by a lot of sponsors and recruits but a win would prove just how good he is.

“Whatever you do Rafe do not let go,” Ward looked at him intensely, “And do not let your hand fall. You have to use everything in you son.”

“Dad I got this okay? Trust me I can do this,” He nodded his head, “I will do it.”

“Alright lets get out there it’s almost time.” Ward patted his son on the shoulder as he led him out of the stables where they had been talking.

They walked back over to where his team was watching the current rider. Rafe put his hands on James shoulders startling him.

“Holy shit dude,” He gasped.

“Lets get ready,” They walked over to the bull pen.

James looked over at his best friend, “is tonight the night?”

“What, the night I win?” Rafe smirked.

“No idiot, the night you finally ask her out or do something.”

He shrugged, “I’ve got something in mind.”

“Just don’t let those buckle bunnies near you of else she’s gonna keep thinkin you don’t see her that way.”

-

After all the raffle tickets had been sold June joined Amber and Sarah in the stands. They were sitting with Amber’s parents and a few of their other friends. June sat next to Sarah who was texting intently on her phone.

“Is it John B?” June asked her.

Sarah huffed, “Yeah he thinks he might not be able to drive here next weekend because his van keeps breaking down.”

“I’m sure he’ll figure something out,” She smiled.

“Last but certainly not least is the guy everyone has their eyes on, home town hero Rafe Cameron!” The announcer shouted over the speakers.

Everyone cheered and clapped for Rafe. June felt a pit of nervousness in her stomach. She always worried about him when he rode because anything could happen. She was confident in his abilities but bulls are unpredictable animals.

“This always feels like the longest ten seconds of my life,” Sarah muttered leaning forward in an anxious stance.

“He’ll be okay, he always is okay.” June reassured placing her hands over Sarah’s that had been picking at her cuticles anxiously. She didn’t just say it for her best friend but also for herself.

“He has to beat 6.76 seconds and get more than 88 points to move on,” Amber leaned forward telling the girls.

The blow horn sounded and they lifted the gates. Everything always happened in slow motion. The bull bucked and thrashed around as Rafe held on tight to the rope. His arm steady in the air never faltering. He needed to stay on for three more seconds and he’d most likely win. The clock ticked 6, 7, 8. Then Rafe was finally bucked off, he flew off of the large brown bull landing almost under its heavy hooves. Everyone held their breath as they waited for him to get up. He stood up grabbing his hat swinging it in the air and yelling with excitement as the crowd started cheering. He had stayed on for 8.96 seconds, the best score of the whole night.

June stood up along with everyone else clapping and cheering for the cowboy. Rafe looked out into the crowd with a big smile on his face trying to catch his breath. It was like he knew where she was because his eyes landed on her immediately. He couldn’t hear the crowd cheering anymore he could just see her as she smiled widely and clapped. He would ride a million bulls over and over again if it meant she’d be there cheering him on.

He walked back to his team who was patting him on the back. James came up to him and hugged him with a big smile, “Man you’re a monster, you’re in this fuckin thing. You’ve made it.”

“We’re in this thing. I couldn’t have done this without you man,” Rafe was grateful for his best friend who had become more like his brother. James placed a hand on Rafe’s head ruffling his hear out of endearment.

“Judges have their final scores in,” Ward said walking up to the two men. Ward never really congratulated his son on his achievements, all the more reason why he was grateful for James.

They climbed on the gates to watch the score board. Rafe placed his hat back on his head. He looked back over the the bleachers looking at June again. She was talking to Sarah her eyes going back and forth from the score board to her best friend. As long as she was here Rafe knew everything would be okay if he didn’t score as good as he wanted. Whenever he looked at her the trophies, money, and title’s didn’t matter.

“The judges have their final score for Rafe Cameron, and are we surprised? The 22 year old bull ride comes in with a score of 94!” The announcer says before the crowd goes wild, “Ladies and gentlemen we have our first place winner! Rafe Cameron is headed off to the semi finals!”

James whooped in excitement and wrapped his arm around Rafe. They climbed down from the fence as people came up to Rafe to congratulate him. The other winners were announced but Rafe didn’t care he was riding an unbelievable high.

The girls had practically ran down the bleachers to go find Rafe. Sarah was beyond excited for her brother, all of his hard work was paying off. Once they got to where the team was they saw them hand Rafe a bottle of champagne.

“Rafe! You did it!” Sarah shouted as she ran up to hug her brother, “Mom is so proud.” Rafe nodded his head feeling a bit emotional wishing his mom could be there to witness his success.

“Congrats Rafe,” Amber hugged him next.

“Couldn’t have done it without your man,” He said pulling away and pointing at James.

June wasn’t sure if she should hug him or not. She always got anxious in these situations, wishing she was like those girls that had confidence. Rafe looked over at her as she shyly watched him.

He knew her better than she knew herself so he walked up to her, “Guess you gotta come out now.” He smirked.

“I guess I do,” She shrugged, “Congratulations Rafe. You’re gonna do incredible things.”

Rafe’s heart burst at her words. He reached forward and hugged her. She immediately reciprocated wrapping her arms around him. They pulled away and looked at each other for a few seconds. Their friends around them never interrupting because they knew.

“Champagne anyone?” Rafe said turning to all of them. He shook the bottle before popping the cork and spraying it everywhere.

“Rafe!” Sarah laughed covering her face.

“To Roosters we go!” James said pointing up.

-

June and Sarah interlocked arms as they walked behind James and Amber. Rooster’s was packed as well as the other bars on main street. June sometimes worried that their flower shop a few blocks down would get damaged by a bunch of drunks but they’ve never had any actual problems. Rafe was coming by later after he took care of some things at the rodeo.

“Are you drinking tonight Junie?” Sarah nudged her.

She nodded her head, “I actually am. I just want to have some confidence tonight, not be in the background like always.”

“Tonight is going to be so fun. You’re never in the background babe,” Sarah reassured her as they walked through the bar doors.

It wasn’t too crowded yet as people were still leaving the rodeo. Someone was already riding the mechanical bull and country music was already blasting through the speakers. They went up to the bar where their favorite bartender Sam was.

“My favorite people!” He said wiping his hands on a towel, “What can I get you guys?”

“Jameson and coke for me and three tequila sunrises,” James said knowing the girl’s orders.

“What a gentleman James,” Sarah said.

“Hey first round is on me guys. Gotta treat the champions’ people right,” Sam winked at them.

“Sammy boy you’re too kind,” James said sliding him a twenty as a tip.

Once they got their drinks they found a couple unoccupied tables by the pool tables. They pushed them together before sitting down with their drinks. June’s leg anxiously bounced as she waited for Rafe. Her eyes moving around the room as she looked at everyone. She felt like there were too many pretty girls here for Rafe to even give her an ounce of his attention. The confidence she had was slowly diminishing as the seconds passed.

Her thoughts were interrupted by loud cheering, she looked behind her towards the door. Rafe had walked in changed into a white tee shirt and open flannel with a brown jacket. His riding boots traded out for his nicer ones, black hat still perched on his head. She felt light headed, the half of the tequila sunrise she had drank already getting to her. When his eyes met hers she looked away nervously trying to focus on anything else in the room. Her focus landed on all the women ogling him and sending him flirtatious smiles.

He walked up to the group standing beside June, “Started without me guys?”

“Get your drink so we can celebrate now,” James nodded his head towards the bar.

“June bug will you come with me?” Rafe asked turning towards the girl who had yet to make eye contact with him again.

She looked up her face getting hot, “Sure.”

They walked over to the bar and Sam immediately took Rafe’s order. June placed her hands on the bar her eyes looking anywhere but Rafe. The liquor bottles behind the bar were really fascinating.

“How did selling the raffle tickets go June bug?” Rafe asked trying to make conversation.

She turned to him trying to set her nerves aside, “It went well, definitely got some money for the community.”

“That’s good,” He smiled, “how’s the flower business going darlin?”

She laughed softly, “Uh it’s actually going really good. Even with the weather gettin colder sales are still good. We even have a huge wedding coming up that’s going to be beautiful and so great for business. They ordered tons of bouquets with the most amazing colors,” she rambled on about her work. June was very patient about flowers, she loved how something from the earth could make someone feel so happy, loved, cared about, and seen.

Sam brought over his drink telling him that it was on him. Rafe nodded his head at him before taking a sip, “You know I love when you talk flowers,” he smiled at her.

Her eyes widened slightly, “You do?”

He nodded, “Of course, your eyes light up and you’re just so passionate. It’s attractive sweetheart.”

June’s skin was going to melt off if she felt herself getting any hotter, “You’re too ki-“

“Rafe!” A high pitched voice interrupted. Both Rafe and June turned towards the noise.

“Oh hey Rachel,” Rafe said trying to be polite. Rachel was one of Rafe’s endeavors that he returned to a few times too many. Now she thought that her and Rafe could be something more when he never promised her anything.

“You were amazing tonight. You’re sooo talented,” She twirled her blonde hair paying no attention to June.

“Thanks, um this is June,” He nodded towards the girl he really wanted to be alone with.

The blonde turned her attention towards her a small furrow in her brows, “Oh hi, how do you two know each other.” Rafe knew that Rachel was trying to figure out if June was hooking up with him.

“I’m friends with Sarah so we kind of grew up together,” June said feeling a spark of jealousy in herself.

“Cute,” Rachel said tilting her head a teasing smile on her lips. She turned to Rafe again putting a hand on his arm, “Rafe come sit with us I’d love to congratulate you on your big win.”

Rafe didn’t really want to deal with Rachel and her friends at the moment. He had someone else he wanted to focus on. He turned to where June was and found her spot empty. He looked around the room and found her walking back to the table. He sighed, “Actually I’m gonna hangout with my friends tonight,” he tipped his hat at her and walked back over to where they were all sat.

Sarah glared at him, “Rachel again? Seriously?”

Rafe rolled his eyes as he sat next to June, “Actually no.”

June felt like maybe it was because of her that he didn’t hangout with her. Or maybe he just wanted to be with his friends. Either way she was glad that Rafe was sitting next to her.

-

After a lot of laughing and three more drinks June was definitely drunk. She had been laughing at something one of their friends, Stevie, had said when Rafe started to notice just how drunk she was. He had never seen her be so social and he liked it but he was also worried because he’d never seen her drink this much.

“James and I are gonna head out. We’ve got the farmer’s market tomorrow Junie,” Amber said placing a hand on her friends back.

“Oooo can you guys drop me off please?” Sarah asked with a slight slur.

Amber wrapped an arm around her shoulder, “well of course dear.”

June’s eyes widened at the mention of the market, “Oh nooo the farmer’s market, I forgot about that,” she put her head down on the table starting to regret that last shot she took with Sarah, “I’m gonna be so hungover.”

“Come on babe we’ll take you home,” Amber said patting her head.

She sat up and looked over at Rafe with a pout, “I don’t wanna go home yet.”

He gave her a small smile and brushed some hair out of her face, “I can take you home in a bit bug, I only had a couple beers.”

She smiled widely and quickly turned back to Amber, “Rafe is taking me home,” Her smile never faltering.

“Okay babes,” She laughed knowing her friend wanted more time with the guy she’s been in love with since they were 7, “Rafe please get her home safe.” She pointed at him with a stern look.

“Yes ma’am,” He said tipping his hat at her bidding the trio good bye.

The other guys that had been with them had joined a group of women at the dart boards working moved on them trying to teach them how to play. June looked around the room at all the people having fun and drinking. They all seemed so care free, like they did this all the time. She wished she could be this fun all the time, then maybe Rafe would like her.

“Rafey I wish I could be this fun all the time,” She pouted looking over at him.

Rafey. She hadn’t called him that since they were kids. He didn’t realized he missed hearing her saying it until his body felt tingly all over. It rolled so smoothly off her lips like only she could say it because she was the only one who made it sound good.

“Sweetheart you are fun all the time,” He reached forward and brushed her hair back again. Admiring her pretty face.

She leaned her head against his hand enjoying the warmth they brought, “mmm then why don’t you see me more.”

“I’d see you every day if I could bug. I’m gonna make more time for my girl,” He smiled lovingly at her. He really hoped she’d remember this tomorrow.

She looked at him with tears in her eyes a dopey smile on her lips. Before she could say anything she felt her stomach turn. The tequila was catching up to her now. June sat up straighter with wide eyes. That’s when she felt everything coming up. She slapped her hand over her mouth and as best as she could in her drunken state she ran out of the bar doors.

Rafe wasn’t far behind her as she turned the corner to puke on the side of the bar. The contents of her stomach spilling all over the dirt, some of it getting on her favorite pair of boots. Rafe stood behind her holding her hair up and patting her back. He made a mental note that three drinks was the cut off for you.

“Oh god this is so embarrassing,” She sniffled once she was done. She was a lot more sober now and definitely wishing she could get swallowed by the earth. Rafe Cameron just saw her puke her guts out. The guy she’s been in love with forever.

“No no it’s okay June,” He held her hands, “let’s get you home okay? You’ll feel a lot better once you’re in bed.”

She frowned as she walked with him to his truck, “You probably think I’m so gross.”

“I could never. You’re always an angel to me,” He opened the door for her and helped her in.

She had no words. June felt like she didn’t deserve Rafe, he was always so kind and never judged her. The world was lucky to have him. He jogged over to the drivers side and got in. The drive to June’s house was quiet except the rock music that was softly playing from the radio. It was a nice silence.

Once they arrived to June’s house Rafe opened the door for her. Holding her hand as she climbed down. He placed a hand on the small of her back leading her up the porch stairs to the front door. She pulled out her keys and unlocked the door.

She didn’t go inside yet she turned to Rafe looking down at the ground not really wanting to meet his eyes. She was still feeling ashamed from the parking lot fiasco, “Thank you for driving me home Rafe.”

“Anytime, you good to go up on your own?” He asked wanting to make sure she makes it up the stairs and into bed.

She nodded her head finally looking up at him, “I’m a bit sober now so I’m good. Thank you,” she gave him a shy smile. The liquid courage was definitely leaving her system.

“Call me if you need anything at anytime, okay? I’ll be there,” he reached for her hand giving it a small squeeze, “I’ll see you tomorrow June bug.” He leaned forward and pressed a small kiss to her cheek.

Her eyes widened in shock, maybe she was drunk? He pulled away and started walking down the porch steps. Once he got to the bottom he turned towards her with a small smirk, “I’m not leaving till you go in darlin.”

She cleared her throat and blinked a few times before turned the door knob, “Right uh good night Rafe.” She waved stepping into the house.

After locking the door behind her she leaned against it with a sigh. June listened as Rafe drove away already missing him. He was so sweet to her that night. She wanted to think it was because things were changing between them, what if he does see her in a different way.

As soon as those thoughts entered her mind they left. Who was she kidding? Rafe could have anyone why would he choose me? she thought to herself as she walked upstairs to her room. She decided that if this was just Rafe being kind then she’d savor it and enjoy it before he finds someone who actually interests him.

[cecilebutcher]

ღLaufey songs I associate with twst boysღ

I’m back on my musical bullshit😎 just so we’re clear, this has zero thoughts, behind it o7 Enjoy!!

!!Don’t like,it does nothing. Reblog instesd!!

Characters: Every nrc student + some oc’s

Riddle Rosehearts: like the movies

“Maybe I'm just old fashioned. Read too many fairytales. It's no wonder I've had no luck, no one's ever good enough. I want a love like I've seen in the movies.That's why I'll never fall in love”

Trey Clover: I wish you love

“And in July a lemonade. To cool you in some leafy glade. I wish you health. And more than wealth. My breaking heart and I agree. That you and I could never be. So with my best, my very best. I set you free”

Cater Diamond: someone new

“I have to get off Instagram. I keep on going back. Looking at our memories. I know that you will soon delete. We turn to strangers in a day. Now you walk away. Every time I catch your eye. When did you become so shy?”

Ace Trappola: Best friend

“I have never tolerated someone for so long. I've never laughed so much. I haven't written a sad song. There's no one else I'd rather fall asleep with. And dream with. You're my best friend in the world”

Deuce Spade: just like Chet

“Why did you put me through. 11 months of "you're so pretty's, " "I miss you's"? It's absurd what even occurred between autumn and spring. If you never loved me. In a perfect world. I wouldn't have met you that night. Would've stayed with my friends. And just danced 'til the morning light”

Leona Kingscholar: Valentine

“I've rejected affection. For years and years. Now I have it, and damn it. It's kind of weird. He tells me I'm pretty. Don't know how to respond. I tell him that he's pretty too. Can I say that? Don't have a clue”

Ruggie Bucchie: Promise

“It hurts to be something. It's worse to be nothing with you. I've done the math. There's no solution. We'll never last. Why can't I let go of this?”

Jack Howl: lucky for me

“When the sun goes away in the autumn. And the leaves trickle down from the trees. The heat of the summer's forgotten. You'll be here, so lucky for me. You don't tell me to shut up. Even when I talk too much you smile at me. Say, "Don't worry"”

Azul Ashengrotto: From the start

“Oh, the burning pain. Listening to you harp on 'bout some new soulmate. "She's so perfect, " blah, blah, blah. Oh, how I wish you'll wake up one day. Run to me, confess your love, at least just let me say”

Jade Leech: above the Chinese restaurant

“Street sounds blistered with neon lights. Heard the neighbors snoring every other night. Eating dumplings from next door. Finish 'em up they'd give us some more. Didn't realize we had it all. Even when the roof came caving in that fall. Oh, I loved you more than you know. Covered in the flakes of crystal white snow”

Floyd Leech: dancing with you tonight

“Silly boy, don't talk to me. I don't have the energy. Please don't ask to dance with me tonight. I do better on my own (on my own). I don't mean to come off cold (come off cold). But my dear, I'm all danced out tonight. Now the gin is hitting me. And it's almost half-past three. Am I crazy or seeing things? I'm sorry if I can't go for another swing”

Kalim Al-Asim: Magnolia

“A word from her lips, her sirens kiss. Will send you straight into abyss. Magnolia, I wish she'd give her secrets away. Enchants everyone and I think it'd be fun. To be like her someday. But I cannot compete with her. Perfection is the only word. I think of when I think of Magnolia. She doesn't know that the world is turning just for her”

Jamil Viper: Street by Street

“Step by step, brick by brick. I'm reclaiming what's mine. This city is way too small. To give away to just one guy. Street by street, breath by breath. From the Back Bay to the sky. I'm taking back my city. I'm Taking back my life. The cafe Where you asked me for my name. The bookstore we spent Five hours hiding from the rain”

Vil Shoenheit: beautiful stranger

“What if I would've stayed on the train? Dared to stand up and ask for his name. Maybe we would have exchanged a few words. A fairytale moment could have occurred. But my beautiful stranger will have to remain. A stranger until I see him again. See him again. Hmm, mmh.”

Rook Hunt: fragile

“The soft candle glow. The music so slow. Your skin on my skin. The room is spinning. Nerve in my bone. I'm shaking oh no. I'm talking though I shouldn't be. I've lost all sensibility. I've never been so fragile”

Epel Felmier: falling behind

“'Cause the sun's engaged to the sky. And my best friend's found a new guy. I'm only getting older. I've never had a shoulder to cry on. Someone to call mine. Everybody's falling in love and I'm falling behind”

Idia Shroud:this is how it feels(ft. D4vd)

“This is how it feels. To fall in love with you. To always think of you. To always dream of you. Yes, it hurts so much. To fall in love with you. So if this is how it feels. Tell me if our love is real. There's some type of strange appeal. To the way it was so effortless, uh. I cannot help it”

Malleus Draconia: Bewitched

“You bewitched me. From the first time that you kissed me. Waited all night. Then we ran down the street in the late London light. The world froze around us, you kissed me good night. You bewitch me. Every damn second you're with me. I try to think straight. But I'm falling so badly, I'm coming apart. You wrote me a note, cast a spell on my heart. And bewitched me. Bewitched”

Lilia Vanrouge: night light

“Cardboard boxes covеring the floor. Guess I won't be living in here anymore. Take down the posters of the pop stars on the wall. Empty room, it looks so small. All of the laughter. All the sleepless nights. Waiting for ever after. Snow falling outside, keeping on the night light”

Silver (Vanrouge): let you break my heart again

“One day, I will stop falling in love with you. Some day, someone will like me like I like you. Until then, I'll drink my coffee, eat my pie. Pretend that we are more than friends. Then of course I'll let you break my heart again. Some day, one day. I will stop falling in love with you. Until I do. I'll be thinking of you. Let you break my heart again”

Sebek Zigvolt: dear soulmate

“Dear soulmate. Do you think of me? 'Cause I do. Do you have green eyes or are they brown like mine? Do you have a sister too? Dear soulmate. One day I'll give this song you. We will drive up to the mountains? Camp in a little tent? When the bears come at night. Will you put up a fight? Or will you hide with me in my flashlight?”

Ibhana “Vesper” Baske: questions for the universe

“Falling in love feels more like crashing. Stars spin around my head. So I'm asking. Will my worries ever melt away? Mm. Run out of sentences to say. Wish that I could put this into better words. Will I ever fall in love or will I always search?”

Tao Yúchi: second best

“I'll never forget how stupid in love I felt. I'll always regret how I couldn't ever tell. That you walked a little faster, left me behind. Kissed me with somebody else in mind. I loved you so much. That I settled for less. Oh, you were my everything. I was your second best.”

Igor Kazentoc: serendipity

“I won't pretend I've been anxious. Just like I've always been. This time it's sticking. And time just stops ticking. When I have my arms around you. Four-leaf clovers and lucky dimes. Coincidences and cosmic signs. Have proved that I am quite naive. I'm falling fast, filling gravity. And all that I see is serendipity”

Junto Shuisha: everything I know about love

“I wouldn't mind (ahh). I heard that falling fast is so divine. Are these songs just telling plain old lies? 'Cause that's everything I know about love (ooh, ooh). Everything I know about love (ooh, ooh). I don't know that much at all. I trip, I fall. Every time I try, it's all too much. That's everything I know about love”

Jasper Spade: slow down

“I wish it would slow down. Even for a second. I'm so old now. Left my adolescence. Going out to parties. And getting way too drunk. Think I found somebody. But don't think that it's love. I wish it would slow down. Slow down. Mhm, mhm. ”

Aikat Spanos: I’ve never been in love before

“I've never been in love before. I thought my heart was safe. I thought I knew the score. But this is why. It's all too strange and strong. I'm full of foolish song, and out my song must pour. So please forgive this helpless haze I'm in. I've really never been in love before”

Phobes Spanos: what love will do to you

“Lately, I've been in a haze. Running late, can't think straight. The world feels smaller, yet the trees look taller. There's enchantment in the air. I know I sound stupid, I do. That's what love will do to you. Read my favorite book. For the hundredth time. At least I know of how it ends. In real life it just all depends”

Yes I know I placed valentine for my baby boy Sebek in the last post, but it fits Leona this time ok?

Anywho hope ya’ll enjoyed this as much as I had fun writing this:D

Finally back to posting shit!! I have had this in my drafts for ages

!!requests are open!!

comments are more than appreciated. but reblogs help the content reach more people so please reblog if you want to like<3 likes do nothing. Seriously, don’t like, reblog.

[thgfanfictionlibrary]

Teen and Up Rated Fics Masterlist (54)

Part 1- Part 48 / Part 49 / Part 50 / Part 51 / Part 52 / Part 53 /

Created: May 13th, 2024

Last Checked:—-

A Second Chance-JavisTG (ao3) Summary: Time travel AU: Katniss from Mockingjay winds up back the day before her sister’s first reaping. What does she do now that she knows what’s coming? Now that she knows how Peeta feels about her, and she knows how desperately she needs him, and what they could share? What on earth could she, or should she, even do/change? And what is she should lose it all again? Fall-ing In Love-JHsgf82 (ao3) Summary: Prompt: Fall-ing in love. Picture this on a walk on an Autumn day. Chilly day. The leaves have changed, breathing it in… you notice how a dock is still out in the water. You stand on it breathing in that air… until a dog barks which startles you and you fall in. Boy walking the dog jumps into the semi chilly water to save you. He takes you to his house to warm up….he’s cute, btw. Hope this is something you can work with.  Falling Slowly-JHsgf82 (ao3) Summary: Modern AU. Meet-Cute. Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark keep running into each other everywhere they go; it's gotta be more than coincidence, right? As they learn more about one another, they discover a mutual love for music and begin to fall in love with each other. When opportunity comes calling, will they take it? Or will they be content with a life and a family together? Feel the Beat, Always-JHsgf82 (ao3) Summary: AU. Based on Feel the Beat (Netflix 2020). After dancer Katniss fudges up her shot at a big Broadaway production and is evicted from her New York City apartment, she moves back to her small hometown for a while. There, she runs into her former dance teacher, who encourages her to teach dance, as well as her ex-boyfriend. When Katniss discovers who the celebrity judge of the dance competition is, she agrees to teach the young girls all she knows and hopefully, take them all the way. Will she learn to care more about the girls than her career, and will she reconcile with her ex-boyfriend and his sister in the process? Fidelity, Bravery, Integrity...Congeniality?-JHsgf82 (ao3) Summary: AU. Crossover. F.B.I. Agent Katniss Everdeen isn't exactly Miss Congeniality, but she's damn good at her job. If only the rest of the Bureau could see that, especially her tough-as-nails, by-the-book boss, Deputy Director Boggs, who sees her as nothing more than a screw-up. But when she goes rogue, she's just following her instincts and saving lives, not disobeying orders (not exactly). Katniss's good friend at the Bureau, Agent Peeta Mellark, on the other hand, can do no wrong; he's Boggs' Golden Boy. But she doesn't hold a grudge. If only he'd stop showing her up, and of course, flirting and casually dating right under her nose. No, she's not jealous. So what if she feels funny when he looks at her with that stupid, handsome face and bright blue eyes and smiles at her with that ridiculous boyish grin? Five Hearts-jeeno2 (ao3) Summary: Five valentines Peeta shared with Katniss. Flip Cup-JennaGill (ao3) Summary: Everlark College AU, for a game of flip cup. For Good Luck-Joshs_left_earlobe (ao3) Summary: Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark have become good friends since the day he tossed her the bread. On the morning of the reaping for the 72nd Hunger Games, they meet at their special spot in the woods. Canon divergent. Free Me From My Burdens, That I May Finally Live-icbiwf (ao3) Summary: Katniss Everdeen has spent her whole life living for the sake of others. Now events will lead her to try letting herself live a little. An optimistic summer, a misguided relationship, and pie. Lots and lots and lots of pie. Friends-JavisTG (ao3) Summary: Set at the beginning of Catching Fire. Katniss and Peeta have a little talk that helps jump-start their friendship.

[sentientgolfball]

(Inspired by the h/c you just posted) as the self proclaimed Phantom Brainrotter, I love all the phantom fics but the pack rejection ones make me so sad 😭😭 I love them but still. So may I request some phantom/pack fluff? 😁

It starts out a little sad but I PROMISE this shit gets so sappy so quickly. Anyways polyghouls my beloved I just love writing about them all :'')

No warnings besides some self-deprecating Phantom at the beginning

My requests are open !

It was cold. Colder than it’s been in a while. Phantom had fallen asleep curled up in Dew’s bed the previous night searching for warmth. It’s not that he didn’t like the cold, quite the contrary actually. He much preferred the feeling of frost over the blaring heat of the summer. But with the cold came something Phantom wasn’t quite sure he was ready for. 

His summoning day. 

It wasn’t for another couple of months, but when he had felt the first sting of autumn winds his mind was flooded with memories of that day and everything that followed. He had no idea why he felt like this, he should be happy! Sure it was a rough summoning that left him scarred, and sure he was held at arm's length for a while because of the way Dew would throw a fit every time he approached. But he should still be happy! He was pulled from an even worse situation back in the Pits and now he had the undying love of his pack and the adoration of millions of people across the world. He should be happy he made it a whole year Topside! 

But everytime he thought too hard about it he felt sick to his stomach. From what he didn’t know. All he knew was that he couldn’t think about it or else he’d start to spiral. Unfortunately, upon waking up to a chilled morning and a missing fire ghoul his mind immediately threw him overboard. He wrapped himself tighter in the thick blanket and took a deep breath inhaling as much of Dew’s scent as he could. He could tell from the way it had faded he’d been gone for a while. He buried his head under the pillows and tried everything he could to will away the memories and thoughts that tried to claw their way into his mind. 

But he couldn’t. 

All he could think about was how he spent so many of his early nights alone listening to the commotion of his pack through the walls of his room. How Dew would berate him when he flubbed notes in his first few rehearsals. How no one seemed to notice when he would slip away after hurriedly eating his meals. How he was a failure in every aspect. His magic wasn’t strong like Omega’s or Aether’s. He was smaller too. He was pathetic. He should probably just—

“Hey comet are you awake yet?” 

The door creaked open slowly as Dew poked his head in. The scent of smog and acid rain hit the fire ghoul like a brick. 

“Shit fuck Phantom. Hold on.” He dipped back into the hallway and all Phantom could hear were some murmurs before the door closed. He whined and rolled over believing that Dew had left once again. Everything stopped, though, when he saw him standing just at the edge of the bed. He looked like a deer in headlights. The two stared at each other for a moment before Phantom felt the first tear run down his face. 

“What happened Phantom I don’t—“ he gasped and crawled over to him.

Dew had no idea what to do. He wasn’t the ghoul people go to for comfort. He wasn't the most gentle most of the time. He wanted to be a stable force for Phantom but the very nature of his element, even the one prior to the transition, was against that. Always moving, always growing and shrinking and changing. There was always so much. But he’d be damned if he let Phantom be cast out anymore. It was his fault it happened in the first place and he hated himself for it. 

So when Phantom got like this, when he needed help Dew did the only thing he knew how. He used his body. He gently put a hand to the quintessence ghoul’s face and wiped his tears away before slowly, carefully laying him back down onto the pillows. Despite being smaller, Dew pulled him close and laid his head on his chest. He kicked up a purr so Phantom had something to keep him grounded before raising his body heat just enough to make the whole bed warm. 

Phantom immediately melted into all the touches. He buries his face into his chest and lets himself cry as Dew holds him quietly. The fire ghoul wraps his tail around his middle and slides his hands through his black and white hair. 

“Do you…wanna tell me what’s wrong?” He offers. 

Phantom shakes his head with a little whine. 

“Do you wanna stay like this?”

He nods and tightens the grip he has around Dew’s waist. 

Dew hesitates, not sure if asking the next part is a good idea or not, but he does it anyway. 

“Would you mind if we had company?” 

Phantom lifted his head to meet his eyes. He looked confused but intrigued. 

“Who?” He asks after clearing his throat. 

“Uhhh…everyone?” He feels stupid just saying it out loud, but he doesn’t miss the way Phantom’s pupils grow. He can’t help but smile before turning his head towards the door and shouting. 

“Get your asses in here!” 

The door creaks open once again and Phantom turns his head to look. The sight nearly makes him cry again. The whole pack starts filling into the room looking more than a bit concerned, but that’s not all he notices. Mountain is holding a tray of just about every breakfast food you can imagine. He looks between the pack and Dew. 

“I’m confused what's going on?” 

Dew opens his mouth but Swiss speaks first.

“Our little firecracker here just kept going on all week about how you looked ready to fall over and die so we thought we’d do something about it. We sure as hell knew he wouldn’t be able to.” 

Cirrus rolls her eyes with a slight smile before flicking her tail hard against Swiss’ leg causing him to yelp. 

“What he means to say is we were worried about you sweet thing. All of us. It wasn’t hard to tell something was up.”

“We thought it was just about settling back in after tour” Cumulus starts “but when Dewy mentioned how you’ve been staying with him every night we realized it was something more.” 

Aurora is the first to break from the group, going to sit on the edge of Dew’s massive bed and bumping her forehead against his.

“I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.” She whispers to him. 

Mountain approaches next, carefully setting the tray onto Dew’s nightstand.

“Swiss made all your favorites. It’s a little cold now though.” He passes a giant hand through Phantom’s hair earning him a shaky sigh. 

Rain rounds the bed and jumps in, tucking himself to Dew’s side while laying his tail across Phantom’s legs.

“I downloaded all your favorite movies so we can watch them in here.” He presses a gentle kiss in between his horns. 

Phantom feels his eyes well up again as he looks at each of his pack mates with complete adoration.

“You…why. You all did this for me?” 

“Course we did stupid.” Dew says, squeezing him tighter. 

“I don’t—“ 

“Hush” Cirrus says sliding into the bed to hold his face between her hands “we did it because we love you Phantom. And because you deserve to feel loved when you’re feeling like shit.” She kisses him gently, stealing any further protests he may have had. 

The rest of the pack follows suit, climbing into the bed to wrap themselves around him in any way they can. He has to choke back tears when his own purring starts and Swiss murmurs a soft ‘there’s my love bug’ against his ear. The ghouls stay like that for a long while, completely tangled up in a mass of limbs, tails, and blankets soaking in the warmth from each other. Phantom has been kissed by everyone at least twice, each muttering their own words of affection as they did so.  

For a moment, his lichtenberg figure scars flash and the scent of ozone and frost waft through the air. For a moment all the ghouls are connected to Phantom. And all they can feel is overwhelming love. 

Dew buries his nose into Phantom’s hair and whispers his own ‘I love you’s’ against him. 

Mountain, who had positioned him behind Dew, wraps his massive arms tighter around Phantom.

Cirrus curls in closer on his left side nuzzling her face against his. 

Rain mirrors her on the right side, resting his head against his shoulder and reaching forward to intertwine their hands. 

Swiss, who’s laying next to Cumulus sprawled out over Phantom’s legs, moves up slightly to press soft kisses to his stomach causing Phantom to laugh at the sensation. 

Cumulus takes his other hand and pressed kisses to his knuckles while rubbing circles with her thumb. 

Aurora, who’s tucked up at the headboard with Mountain, buries her face into the crook of his neck and whispers everything she adores about Phantom into his ear. 

They all show him just how much he means to them in their own way. They do it now and they’ll do it again and again until they’ve picked up every last piece of him and put him together. They do it for him when he needs it and he’ll do the same when they need it. 

The ghouls stay like that for the rest of the day. So completely entangled with each other lounging about. Caring for each other. Loving each other. Eventually Phantom does ask to watch a movie and Rain momentarily pulls away to set up the projector and laptop in Dew’s room. Nobody is surprised when he picks The Nightmare Before Christmas, but they don’t mind.

Well, Swiss tries to make a joke but Cumulus slaps a hand over his mouth before much is said. Phantom doesn’t care, though. How could he when he’s spent all day literally getting smothered with love and care. 

Suddenly in the middle of the movie he gasps and everyone tenses holding their breath.

“I forgot the breakfast!” He exclaims with too much worry. 

Everyone laughs and he pouts muttering an apology to Swiss.

“Don’t worry about it love bug. I’ll cook for you whenever you want, as long as I get to see you smile.” 

His fangs poke out when he grins down at Swiss before turning his attention back to the movie. Sure, the bad days sucked. They were hard. But moments like these, moments where he was so wholly loved by the people around him reminds him how far he’s come and how much more he still has to experience in his life Topside.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

CW: pregnancy, addiction, break-up

2 weeks later...

I was on my way home. There was a kind of pumpkin- or autumn festival in the park, although it wasn't actually even really autumn? 🧐 Anyway! That's why I decided to go through the park today.

As I passed some autumn stands, I suddenly saw Daniel with a girl.😱 I quickly turned around/back, to hid somewhere on the side. Still, I risked another look because.... somehow I couldn’t believe it. But yea, there he was, with a girl!!😢 ... It hurt me sm to see him with her. I gotta get away, I thought!!! I felt really sick that moment.🤢 In RL, there was a Mc Donald's just a few steps away. So I rushed there to go to the toilet. But.... holly shit!! That damn Mc Donalds!!! I ran into a huge glass door!!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️😄I thought it was open. Yup! SOO embarrassing!! However, after I peed, I got back out. As I was walking out the door, Daniel was standing there. With lowered eyes, I tried to pass him unnoticed but....

Daniel: Hi!... What are you doing here? Are you alone?

Me: Don't you remember? Today is Tuesday! I just had class. I'm going home. 😞

Daniel: Yea... Did you see me earlier? I felt like I was being watched.

Me: YES! I saw you! That sucks, yk?😫 .... Ugh, I- I wasn’t prepared to see you.... here today with your new.... crush. How about you sign the divorce papers? 😒😢

Daniel: Sorry..... I'm on it. Ok?... I gotta go.

Me: Wait!

Daniel: You weep? 😕

Me: M-my hormones are... runnig wild. Yk?

Daniel: Are you... ok? You and, your baby?

Me: We're fine. Thanks.... But-... Daniel! I-... 😥

Daniel: What?

Me: I-... I wanna be with you.... I miss you. I-... I know it's not right, but-

Daniel: In all seriousness......... You gotta be kidding me? 🤨

Me: No, I don't! I love you. And I also miss Lucky. Pls take me to him.... Why did you hurt me so much? I wanted to stay with you. You promised to always stay by my side, didn't you? Instead, you broke up with me. That was the worst thing you did to me. I thought I was dying this summer.... Now you're with that...-

Daniel: It’s over! I don’t listen to this shit! You, know why I didn’t want you near me anymore.

Me: Tell me damn it!! What have I done to you??? 🤷‍♀️😧

Daniel: No! Listen! If you wanna see Lucky, we.... can find a solution. I moved. I'll call you.... Bye!

Me: You moved??????????? Noo, Daniel! What happened to our apartment? 😢Why didn't you tell me? I loved this place....

Daniel: I couldn’t stand it there! And all your stuff... Almost everything in our apartment reminded me of you. I couldn't handle it.... .. you........ completely destroyed me. 😞

Me: No, please don't go! I wanna go with you D.

Daniel: .... Damn.

Me: Why don’t you want me anymore? It's bcs I'm hooked??... We can stay clean together. 😢💔

Daniel: Go home to your-... to him. 😞😒

Me: But I love you both. We can still be together....

I talked so much crap. I really wanted to prevent Daniel from going back to that girl. I know that was totally selfish of me. But I didn’t give a shit! I just didn’t understand why he dumped me?? My pregnancy wasn’t a prob for him, so what did I do wrong?? And that girl who accompanied him, got me SO pissed! She was at Mc Donald’s too, but I didn’t see her there, when I went out. Anyway, she came back. She saw Daniel and me talking...

Girl: Hey, sweetie... Ahhm who is that?

Daniel: Yk? I still got some things to do. We should table this.

Girl: So now what?... Don't you want me?... This is your chance to get me....🤫 laid, baby. Now or never? 😏

Daniel: Well, that may be, but... anyway.

Girl: Huh? Where are you even looking? What's going on here? And who ist that fat girl?

Me: We are married! (dumb bitch) 🤨And I'm pregnant!

Daniel: Yea that's true, but it's not my baby!

Girl: I'm not stupid, sweetheart! I should have gone with your brother, but I thought you were the cute one. You with your green eyes and...hm? You have preety teeth, by the way.

Me: 🤢🙉

Daniel: Fine, just call Alex! I’m sure he can still.... schedule you somewhere in between. 😬

Girl: You’re serious, aren’t you?

Daniel: Listen, maybe later, ok? But, I gotta go now. Sorry.

Daniel just left. I have no idea where he was going or what he was up to? So I also went home, to..... Nico. 😬🤦‍♀️And tomorrow morning, I’ll go to Daniel. He texted me at 1:00 a.m. I couldn’t help it, I went to see him and I also wanted to see Lucky again. ❤️🐱

Previous/Next

[verdemoun]

hehe hows seans fathers day experience

oh. oh this is PERSONAL. because you know what. i am stealing your own damn post and overanalyzing the crap out of it.

Darragh Macguire died in June. why am i providing evidence i don't know i have just thought through this question so hard. we don't have many confirmed dates in rdr2 but colter takes place in early spring (march?), few days here and there, few weeks moving camps, blessed are the peacemakers yada yada ya did you know it's entirely possible sean died before June. he died so young he died before the 10th anniversary of Darragh's death.

and then maybe, maybe he's so bamboozled trying to learn modern era keeping track of dates is not a priority. maybe it's the start of autumn/fall. all the leaves are going orange and gold and brown and he loves fall and in panic remembers wait i lost my da in summer. he remembers quietly, in a kind of somber in a way that to most don't associate with the irish terrier and it feels weird. almost wrong. it's been 10 years since da died. technically been over 110+ years.

hey what's the date today

he missed the anniversary of his da's death. and it bothers him so much he has to pull up that wall of i'm the unstoppable sean macguire so high that no one knows whats bothering him. if anything, they think sean is just his usual loud self to such an obnoxious extreme because he just really loves fall and crushing leaves and sprinting through parks alone and going to parties and hanging out with other young people outside the gang and drinking

just losing weeks of time being young and his own personal brand of reckless until he can will himself to forget he's a terrible ungrateful son who's da died, was murdered, trying to give him a new life and he forgot to do anything on the anniversary of his death

give it a year. it's been a year in modern era. he's got hosea, lenny, kieran, arthur. known bessie for a year and she's pretty damned cool. he's learned about da is a folk hero and been back to ireland and seen and learned so much about his da, the self-educated genius, the rebel, the politician and activist who is remembered by history.

june's coming up and he's ready. he knows exactly what he's going to do he's going to go to a bar and have a pot of beer the proper irish way and a smoke by himself on a warm summer night and just remember his da and how much he loves him and how much darragh loved him.

but then bessie's quietly preparing for father's day. which is a new concept to the gang. first time people even spoke about father's day was 1910 it wasn't a thing in gang era and it takes place in june. bessie explaining oh it's sort of a silly thing but it's a day for celebrating and remembering fathers most people buy a little present or knick-knack of some kind just as a way of showing they love and appreciate their fathers

sean immediately softening to the idea. thinks it's awesome. knows exactly what he's going to do. gives her some cash to buy something nice for hosea from him but he needs a little bit of bessie's help. she's much better at planning things even though he wants to do it alone and she knows all about darragh and understands why he wants to go all the way to boston.

gets on a flight all by himself because he might hate flying but being on a bus for multiple days would similiarly drive him insane. gets to land in boston and it's not. the same. like some things are familiar he can see a few old brownstones from the 19th century but he's walking around just kind of looking at things. looking at street signs and finally walking a street that's completely changed. not even sure if it's that street anymore or if the whole layout has changed or if he didn't remember it as well as he did but walking past the completely changed location he lost his da.

he finds a nice park to sit in. gets out his things. a clumsy bouquet of flowers half squashed in his bag because that's what you take to graves (darragh not having a grave because his body was taken by the british agency), a beer for him, a beer for his da, some brain puzzle keychain they were selling the father's day section that he thought darragh would've loved if he was there. lights his cigarette and just gets to mourn but also celebrate all the good things he remembers about his da

ends up having to run from police because you can't smoke or drink in public parks in modern era and cackling because how else would sean macguire end up celebrating father's day if not running from police